Post # 1
I appreciate you taking the time to read my post. I figured I would try coming here for advice, because honestly, I’m too embarrassed to talk to my friends or family about this.
I met my FI over five and a half years ago. During the first three years, he was my rock. He met me during the worst time in my life, helped me get through it, and I wouldn’t be where I am today without him. We have had our fair share of difficulties, but have always managed to push through it together. After three years, we broke up for a few different reasons, but reconciled after six months because we really didn’t want to be with anyone else. After we reconciled, we were stronger than ever and things were great for the most part. About a year ago, I started to get antsy about getting engaged because we had been together for quite some time, worked through so many things, and I felt that I could spend the rest of my life with him. He, on the other hand, was still not ready. Eight months ago, he “proposed” to shut me up, and ever since then I have resented him for it and can’t seem to move past it no matter how hard I try. Him not being sure about me did incredible damage to my self-esteem and I am now a shadow of the independent woman I once was. I kept telling him for months after that I was on a downward spiral and we really needed to repair what we had before it was too late, but he never listened. Currently, our sex life is non-existent, we barely see each other or talk because he’s either sleeping or doing an extra-curricular activity, and we have recently admitted to each other that while we love each other, we are not in love with each other anymore. I’m not happy, but can’t imagine my life without him. At 30, I’m terrified to try and start over again because it seems that the only guys out there are douchebags or idiots, and I’m honestly too exhausted with life to put up with either of those. If I did stay, it would only be out of fear and financial security.
Bees, I need some advice. What would you do if you were in my situation?
(Please don’t leave negative comments about my maturity level, impatience, etc. I am well aware that I have made mistakes in the past, like we all have, and I’m only looking towards my future. Thank you.)
Post # 2
funnyduckling: stay, if you want a divorce. You’ll be even older and regret wasting all this time with the wrong person.
Post # 3
As painful as it might be, I encourage you to be strong and to leave.
Don’t resign yourself to spending the rest of your life with someone because it’s the “safe” thing to do. You deserve to be utterly ridiculously in love with someone (and be utterly and ridiculously loved back!).
It’s scary to face the world single again after an extended absence from single life, but there are good guys out there (even if they’re hiding between all the douchebags). 10 years ago, I would have been more reluctant to begin the manhunt again, but nowadays with online dating and such (and seeing the success of so many of my friends with it), I feel like finding someone isn’t as daunting as it once was.
Also, if neither of you are entirely happy (and he only proposed to “shut you up”), it seems like there’s a significant chance that in 10 years, he’ll walk out the door. Then what will you do? You would have been depending on him financially and now you’d be 40 and single.
Leave, take some time to regroup (maybe take a short trip somewhere new and relaxing). Rediscover your independence. And then go get ’em.
Post # 4
funnyduckling: I am really sorry you’re going through this. I think most of us have been in similar situations, I know I have, and fearing you will be alone and the daunting task of starting over can really mess with you. I went through the same thing about 4 years ago. I was in an on/off relationship and really my ex treated me like crap, but I thought I would never meet anyone I liked as much as him and that I was too old to start over. We ended up breaking up for the THIRD time, and within 6 months…I met my husband, who is the best. I mean seriously, I laugh at myself for thinking that the schmuck was as good as it gets. I don’t doubt that the same will happen for you, but I know how hard it is to go through with it when you have no idea how it will end up. All I can say is that no one should ever settle, because they think there’s nothing else out there.
P.S. One 30 year old to another, you are NOT old and it is definitely NOT too late for you. *hugs*
Post # 5
I am very sorry that you are going through this, it must be very very hard.
If he has not shown any care to make you feel better and making sure that you know how much he loves you, how much he cares for you, I am sorry to be blunt, but you should move on. You deserve so much more than this.
You deserve someone that cannot wait to be your husband and to have a family with you. You deserve someone that tells you all the time how much he loves you and you deserve someone that will be there for you through hard times.
I was married for 4 years to someone that had 0 respect and love for me. I would literally cry in front of him because he made me feel like I was worthless and that he never wanted to be with me. He nevr did a thing to change, heck he admitted that he knew he was pushing me away. I left him, and it was the best decision I ever made. I am now with someone that really, really loves me for who I am.
Yes, it will be tough at first, but you will get through it and you will come out stronger in the end.
Good luck, OP. Whaever you decide, remember that you deserve all the love and happiness in this world.
Post # 6
funnyduckling: Please do not stay in a relationship based on fear of change and/or being alone, you’ll most likely grow to resent him and yourself. It seems like you already have some amount of resentment due to the way the proposal happened. Change is very scary, especially when you’ve gotten comfortable, but that doesn’t mean you won’t be ok in the long run.
Some people come in and out of our lives for many reasons, and when their purpose is fulfilled, it’s time to move on. It sounds like his purpose in your life was for the first three years to provide you with support that was needed. Perhaps now it’s time to move to the next chapter in your life.
You said it yourself, you are not happy, and that alone should be a sign to you that it’s time to move on.
Post # 7
And PS. You are not old! I met my FI when I was 29 and he was 35. And prior to him, I had the same fears of leaving my relationship because who was I really going to meet when I’m almost 30.
Post # 8
funnyduckling: Hm, I’m sorry you’re in this situation. From what tiny little bit you’ve shared, it sounds to me like you’re still in your current relationship because you’re scared to be alone and for you it’s better to be in an unhappy relationship than no relationship at all. I was in a toxic relationship for a very long time simply because I was afraid of being alone. I loved my ex but wasn’t in love with him, didn’t respect him and I KNEW we weren’t compatible. Sure, we had fun and laughed but I KNEW it wouldn’t work in the long run and I wanted to see other people and quit wasting time. We finally broke up and it was GREAT, just a weight lifted. Sure, it was hard in the beginning but once I got over the break-up, I was SO happy that I did it.
You coming on here and writing this post makes me think that you too KNOW that your relationship won’t work and you just need a little nudge in that direction. I’d say if you truly want advice, get out now. It will be hard, sad, and scary and very lonely for awhile but it WILL get better. Don’t let age or fear of being alone scare you into staying in a bad, unhappy relationship. 30 is the new 20 — you have plenty of time. Good luck!
Post # 10
Loving someone but not being in love with them is total bullshit. That’s the crap that people say when they’re walking out on someone because they want to sleep with their sexy co-worker. Real, deep love isn’t an emotion, and it’s definitely not passion. “I love you, but I’m not in love with you,” really means, “I don’t love you.” There is nothing salvageable in this relationship. You’re just filling a role in this man’s life for now. Get out now! As for your self-esteem, the right person will love you the way that you need to be loved. This one man not valuing you in that way does not mean you are flawed or unloveable, I promise.
Post # 11
I am turning 30 next month. I understand why you are scared to begin again. We are programmed as women to think that by 30 we will have met “the one,” etc. etc. etc. You have been with this person long enough that even if your life isn’t as good as you want it t be, you are frightened to think of it without him in it. But you have said it yourself–you are not in love with him. That isn’t something that can be fixed with counseling, time, etc. You will never move past that, so you need to let this relationship go. Are while there are a lot of douchebags and idiots out there (I would say equal numbers of male and female ones), there are still plenty of good guys left too.
Post # 12
funnyduckling: I would honestly ask yourself, “If I was 19 years old and dating this guy, would I stick around and put up with this?” If the answer is no, then get out of there. This whole idea that at 30 some magic bell goes off and you expire is ridiculous. You have been together and awfully long time (and you aren’t idiot teenagers) to be having these fundamentally huge issues. I think you already know the answer on what to do. My advice: if you feel so defeated by your relationship that you’re asking strangers on an online forum what to do, you probably need to end things. Best of luck, I know this sucks, but plenty of people find love in their 30s, 40s, 50s, and beyond!
Post # 13
funnyduckling: I think you’ve given yourself the right advice and don’t realize it? If you are unhappy, leave. For sure. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but 30 is still young. I FINALLY found the right guy (after marrying the wrong one – see? you could make that mistake) in my 40s! He’s awesome and I’ve never been happier.
Post # 14
- Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY
TheGridMonster: This exactly, every word.
Post # 15
I’m so sorry you are going through this – I cannot imagine how much pain you are suffering through.
I had somewhat similar “resentment” you are talking about with my now DH when we were dating, because I felt like he wasn’t as excitied to commit/get married/be with me for the rest of our lives. A part of it was because of my low self-esteem – we were going through rough time due to my in-law’s disapproval of our relationship (let alone marriage), and I was feeling extremely self-conscious.
But the key difference was that my DH listened to me, communicated with me, and most of all, reassured me with even more love.
I think willingness to listen and communicate is an absolute essential part of any relationship, and especially in marriage. The fact that your FI has stopped communicating with you tells me that he does not want to repair the relationship – and to me, that’s as if you decide to stop watering your flower in the hot summer time…it’s going to dry up and die eventually, whether it is now or years later (after marriage).
Like others said, if all you feel is resentment and no love, and all your FI gives you is a cold-shoulder and no attempts in communication, I think it’s time to walk away and move on. I don’t think being in 30s is considered “old” these days anyways! Most women are not married till in their mid-30s these days.
I think marriage has to be something mutual, not one sided. Balance is absolutely important.