Ok, well I want to thank you all in advance for reading my long story. It is with a heavy and yet confused heart that I write this. I am also trying to be as fair as possible in regards to this story as to capture the best advice I can given my situation.
So it begins…I got engaged back in may of 2012 while vacationing in Italy. My fiancé and I had dated for a little over a year by that point so I wanted to have an extended engagement. We decided to get married in October of 2013. We love the fall season. Anyways, we had a really amazing relationship up to this point. We had our moments but rarely fought. My fiancé is a bit of a loner who doesn’t share his emotions much and I too am a loner who very readily shows emotions. So this feature did clash a bit. But we continued to work at it. I love this kids to death and had the best time of my life!
By January of 2013 we had discussed all the major issues about becoming married, or so we thought. Such as moving and having kids in the future. We visited other cities for potential locations to rise in our careers and to raise families. In march 2013 we went on amazing trip to Costa Rica. I highly recommend it to anyone who loves adventure! Anyways, I have Crohns disease and had two episodes while on this trip. I also had a bit of an issue with the fact that this trip was not planned that well. He told me he would plan it and wow, we just kinda winged it for a portion of the trip. I was not comfortable with this since we were in a third world country and I like things a bit more planned out. Not to mention the language barrier. So, by the end of the trip my anxiety was a bit high and I expressed that to my fiancé. He blew me off and thus I felt alone for the remainder of the trip. Not going to lie, I cried pretty bad after getting home because I felt he didn’t consider my feelings and left me feeling alone in a foreign country. I just wanted my support system there. About three days later, he told me he was having some anxieties about the marriage, moving and having children. My jaw dropped to the floor. I was thinking, “Now?”. The wedding is less than 6 months away. But in a way I was grateful this was before we got married rather than after.
For the next 2 months he expressed his anxiety and worry about raising a family in this economy and world, about finances for having children, about being too tired to have them, about thinking he might want to travel the world instead, that he may just want to travel for the rest of his life and that even if he did want a family he wants to be within 200 miles from his family. So needless to say I had a lot to contend with. I did try Very hard through those months to support him by trying to ease his anxieties in any way I cold. I would do research on topics and come up with statistics. I tried my hardest to make him feel better about his doubts. Meanwhile, it truly was taking a toll on me emotionally. I felt it might be me and i felt rejected. Furthermore, my parents decided to not pay for the wedding anymore because of my fiancés anxieties. I understood their feelings and did not fight it. This did add extra stress since we were going to have to foot the bill for a wedding with vendors that were already booked. So, I did all the math and found ways we could afford it. THis was also to alleviate that stress for both of us. While, in doing all this work, my fiancé seemed to slowly be falling into a depression and was negative a lot. By doing this and not being enthusiastic about our future he slowly pushed me away. I fought this as long as I could.
During this time, I made a friend and we became very close. Yes, he was a male and yes I had an emotional connection with him, but I never was physical with him. But i did make a big mistake. I didn’t tell my fiancé and he found out by looking at my phone records. I did not tell my fiancé the truth and thus he lost all trust in me. My fiancé was pushing me away and so I felt I needed someone to confine in and my new best friend was it. My nee best friend and i talked a lot and would discuss work, his family, our Heath issues (since they were so similar) and relationship issues. He was like a brother to me. Well, my fiancé found out I became close to him and assumed I was cheating. I assured him I was not but agreed to stop talking to my friend in an effort to make this better. I clearly should not have talked to him so frequently. It was my fault and I was ready to fix it. So, I stopped talking to my new friend. My fiancé then tells me he feels bad making me end a friendship. So my friend and I start taking again, just not to the extent we were since I saw that it wasn’t right. Well, I tired to help my fiancé with his on going anxieties but then I saw that he wasn’t going to be able to find out if he wants children and to have a future with me while I lived within the same home. He just couldnt committ to the life we had been moving toward and obviously we need that to marry someone. So, I moved out in an effort for him to find clarity. Two days after I move out he is having a girl look at is house to become a roommate. I was beside myself and told him if he brings another woman into the house than I am gone. I moved out in hopes that he would be alone and figure out what he wants. We are still engaged at this point.
Throughout the summer he becomes very jealous of my friendship with the other man even after we have taken. “break”. Meanwhile, I’m waiting patiently while he figure out his commitment/doubt issues. But turns out he cant work on these issues because he is so consumed thinking I moved on to this other guy. I assured him that we are just friends…like brother and sister but he didn’t believe me. My fiancé and i formally broke it off in July and said we wold reconvene in a month or two to see if his issues had been worked out. He was seeking counseling at this point. after this point… My friend lives about 2 hours away and I stayed with him once because my flight got in at 1am
and he offered his extra room. And another time he stayed with me after watching a baseball game at a bar. other than this, I never really saw him ever because he was 2 hours away. Bees, it is possible to have a male friend and not sleep with them! Because it happened here. We just weren’t like that. Meanwhile, my ex-fiancé continued to accuse me of being physical with him and said I visited him when I never did. I went as far as to prove it by sending him my hotel records when I was out of town and having my friend verify my whereabouts. I tried to prove that I was not lying.
We have recently tried to work things out and things have gotten A LOT better. He feels confident in the future and doesnt have anymore doubts. Our communication is better now than ever. And we are back to our old selves…after a lot of hard work and long winded discussions… We truly love each other, work hard at our relationship and have so much in common. But his issues about the past with this other man keep coming up every day. He expresses his anxieties about this other man and his worry that I will gravitate to another man again. No matter what I say and how transparent I am on this topic he just seems to have these issues all the time. I get frustrated because he is putting this one me…while i don’t bring up my anxiety about him becoming uncommitted again. Then he gets upset saying that he cant be vulnerable around me with these issues. I love hearing his vulnerability, but hearing it over and over and over again…I can’t do or say anything more to help him. He thinks I cheated when I didn’t. Now he has anxieties I’m going to gravitate to another man again. It is keeping us from moving forward.
So, after hearing this long winded story…should I stay or should I go?
Thanks! You all deserve an award for reading my life story. 🙂