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My husband and I eloped a few months into our pregnancy with my daughter Blakelee in April 2010. We began dating in August 09. I've had my own jelously issues because of one of his ex's the father of his then 8 month old daughter. He also has a son that is 7, and allegedly another son around the same age as his 8 month old. He was married to his oldest's son's mother for two years, and they divorced because they were "unhappy". He was engaged to his daughter's mother but they broke it off but they were still living together when we met. I really love him and find it hard to find the strength to leave, but he gets ridiculously angry with me and we're constantly fighting. I've been told that he allegedly, had sex with my cousin, and his ex, but neither were confirmed. He's threatened to punch me in the face or the beat my ass, but never follows through. He was angry the other night because I recieved a text message so he ran outside with my phone and threw it across the road and ran me out of the house. He gets jealous over the easiest things. I'm just so stressed and unsure what to do! Help me please!
Leave him.
He sounds like he's got some very irresponsible and disrespectful tendencies... Is this the sort of man you want you and your daughter to be around for the rest of your lives?
So sorry you're in this situation! :(
Um. Leave him. Then get some therapy so this answer is obvious and easier for you to come to terms with. Best wishes.
You need to seriously go! He's threatening you and running you out of the house. This is no way to live or to raise your daughter.
You say he gets "ridiculously angry with you", you fight all the time, and that he "ran you out of the house". All of these things seem scary and unhealthy. There is a huge difference between feeling jealous, which happens to everyone from time to time, and acting on that jealousy in violent and angry ways.
I would say that this behavior needs to stop for the safety of your and your daughter. Whether that takes the form of couples counseling, anger management classes for him, or you getting out of this situation, something needs to change.
You don't deserve to be treated like that, and he doesn't deserve someone like you. I hate it when marriages don't work out, whatever the reason. But someone who makes threats like that, and acts so harshly, may quite possibly snap at some point. Get out before you and your daughter actually get seriously hurt. It's better to have made a mistake in love, and then moved on, then to have made the mistake to keep staying with someone who ends up beating the crap out of you, and not left earlier.
Leave immediately.
He has physically threatened you and is emotionally abusive. This is not the environment you want to raise your daughter in and right now, she is your #1 priority. You need to do what is best for both of you.
Do you have family close by? Go to them or a friend's place or a local woman's shelter.
@elliestan: I'm wondering too. I find it hard to believe anyone would wonder if they should leave someone who physically threatens them.
If this is a serious question, yes you should go. A man does not threaten to punch the woman he loves in the face or to beat her hass. Honestly, a real man doesn't threaten any woman that way. My advice is to distance yourself from him now BEFORE he follows through on his threats, not after.
Do you have someone in your life with whom you could stay for a few days to think about your options?
The way you describe your marriage sounds scary, and I don't think it's a healthy environment for you or your daughter.
He's threatening to punch you and beat your ass? Do you really want to stick around for these threats to become reality?
Going from what you've just said alone, it's very easy for me to say RUN AWAY! But I've been in an abusive relationship where I thought he'd change, I thought our "love" would fix all our problems. It took years for me to realize what I was accepting as a normal life was actually Hell on Earth, and I still feel guilty for subjecting my kids to that abuse.
Don't be scared to leave him because you think life will be harder for you; it will get better I promise. Be strong, and follow through with the choice that I think you've already made deep down in your heart. I will keep you and your daughter in my thoughts and prayers, but please be careful!
@elliestan: Thank you for demonstrating why lots of women wind up staying in ridiculous situations. Because people don't believe them when they finally talk about what's going on.
Domestic violence is a complex issue and there are any number of factors that can make leaving violence seem acceptable to a woman who is being verbally, emotionally or physically abused.
This sounds like an extremely volatile environment to be raising a child in. It's not just about you anymore. What if he decides to "follow through" with his threats? What if he HITS YOUR CHILD?
He sounds very irresponsible (I lost track of the number of kids he has...) and disrepesctful (any man who can even threaten to harm a woman is a LOSER in my book).
You, and your child, deserve much better. Help yourself and get away from this guys.
@teaadntoast: oh please, yes - blame me for domestic violence. that's a great solution. you're welcome. i wasn't saying it to be insensitive, because i have been in abusive relationships. if anything, i'm not convinced that this is a real situation so i find the OP insensitive to real victims like me. the way this situation is laid out (and especially to be a first post with no follow up messages) it's hard for me to believe it's anything more than someone trying to blow up the Bee. why would someone go to a site and create an account for the purpose of a single post that only indicates a bunch of EXTREMELY abusive activities that she acknowledges are abusive and terrible and gives basically no reason to stay and then leave it at that? when i was in an abusive relationship i made excuses. i said "yes he does xx, but he's so yy". that's the way your mind works when you're in an abusive relationship. there's none of that in this, it's "he wants to beat my ass, should i stay?" since getting out of those kinds of relationships i have worked with many girls still in them and their situations have never been described this way. there's a single post describing a grade-A a-hole and then openning it up for us to all say the same exact thing because there would be no reason for this girl to stay. maybe she's a 1% exception to the rule, but chances are - she's not. it's not like this place is immune to trolls.
@elliestan:I know all of this sounds ridiculous. I'm with my friend right now and she's told me from the beginning that I shouldn't be with him because he has other children with multiple women. She told me about this site and this is my first post. But I honestly do need some honest advice. He's 26 and I'm 20 so there is a maturity difference but its the other way around. I'm not even sure what Troll means. If you have helpful advice please give it, but I'm at the max for drama right now so please no more.
Please leave before things escalate to violence. If not for yourself, do it for your child. Can you stay with your friend? Or do you have family that will help you out?
@elliestan:This is my friend and I helped her create an account just for this decision she needs to make. I've been on this site multiple times and saw how many women really gave their true opinions and a lot of advice. I've been after her long before her pregnancy to leave him and she hasn't. The things that have been going on with them has me telling her to leave now! But she says she still loves him and hopes he'll change. His exs have told her he won't ever change and I'm begging her to leave. This post is my way of showing her that she really needs to get out!
@elliestan: We have similar backgrounds and experiences. That doesn't mean either of us is qualified to tell when something is "real" or not. Erring on the side of caution seems advisable, no?
And I didn't "blame you for domestic violence." The person responsible for that is the one abusing his or her partner. I indicated that the implicit eyroll and calling troll with very little provocation was unhelpful and pointed out that it's the kind of response that makes talking about an abusive partner difficult.
@Michelle010: if it's a real situation then you know all of our advice, you need to leave before it gets violent because trust me, it will. he can and WILL make any excuse for his actions you need to know that he'll never change and you need to get out of there while you and your child have a chance and have yet to be physically abused. you're only 20 and don't need to be in that type of situation. there are organizations all over like the one i work with that help women in your kind of situation. you're not alone, and that was one of the first things i had to realize. if you want out, say the word and you can make it happen. you have your friend's support and an army of Bees agreeing you should go.
She also just informed me that he has gone to jail before for headbutting his first wife. And he has also done it to his 1.5 year old because she wouldn't stop crying. I haven't seen this side of him but I think he's nothing but trash.
@Michelle010: You have a whole lot of life left to live (as does your daughter) and there's no sense being miserable if you don't have to be. It doesn't sound as though you are being well treated or respected the way you should be, and it seems as though your personal safety is in danger.
What makes staying with him seem like the right thing to do?
Yeah, the children thing is an issue. But the huge red flag? His threats of physical violence. Your safety and the safety of your children are at risk. And no woman should have to live like that.
Anyone who threatens to punch you in the face or "beat your ass" is beyond saving. Leave.
@teaadntoast:My mother has been divorced 6 times and been through them all. I know what it's like to live without a dad and I don't want that for her.
@Michelle010: I know what it's like to live with an abusive dad. That is a million times worse than living without one.
@Michelle010: I see what you mean. Were I you (which I'm not), I would worry that my daughter would develop unhealthy ideas about how people treat one another. I would also worry that her anxiety over watching her parents argue all the time or hearing one of them threaten another would outweigh any benefits of having everyone under one roof.
Is he a good dad to his other kids?
Absolutely you should leave him. But you need to make sure to also take care of yourself. A PP recommended counseling and I 100% agree with that in this situation. It will help you to not feel alone, to get an unbiased opinion, and to work on yourself so you can get through this. Also, as a PP mentioned, think of your child. If he has threatened you, think about how he will eventually (or has?) act toward your child. You are so young and you deserve so much better than this. You still have a lot of living to do and a huge chance to change your path and have a lifetime of happiness. It hurts to leave him, I know that. And I know you love him. But he will not change on his own or just because you want him to. This situation will only get worse if you don't act now, that I can promise you.
@teaadntoast:He loves his kids and is a good dad, but he gets mad easily.
My friend wanted me to tell all of you that he gets a horrible temper with dogs. When they get into trouble for lets say getting in the trash he kicks them in the gut and shoves his hand down their throats. He also likes to shoot cats for fun, these things bother me.
@Michelle010: This is a huge red flag. People tend to eventually treat people how they treat animals.
OMG OMG OMG OMG @michelle010: that is a sign of serious, serious problems. Look up information on signs of a serial killer or murderer or something like that and one of the big ones is hurting animals. That makes me sick to my stomach. I cannot believe there are people like that out there. These things bother you? I would hope they do a lot more than that my dear.
At age 20, there are so many other, wonderful fish in the sea that it will blow your mind. Please don't stay with someone so unstable that they show patterns of being unable to stay and support their children, and worse yet, possible abuse! You are so much better off without that in your life. You are YOUNG, go out and see what else the world has for you and your child!
JUST SAW ANIMAL ADDITION: um, THAT'S NOT EVEN LEGAL. Again, none of us understand why this isn't obvious to you - yes, leave! I'm thinking of a list of desireable traits for a person I want to spend the rest of my life with, and "Enjoys abusing/killing animals" is not on that list. I wouldn't have even gone on a date with someone who does that.
@Michelle010: I think it takes more than love to be a good parent. Does he have a job? How does he discipline them when he's angry? What kinds of things make him mad at the kids?
The stuff about animals is a huge red flag, I have to say.
Having no dad in the picture is far preferable to having a dad who abuses the mom. Plus, how do you know he won't start abusing her once she gets a little older? The earlier you get out, the better for everyone. Think of the damage it will do to your daughter to witness her father's "ridiculous anger" as he's "beating your ass." Please, leave now.
Now, I am NOT saying that this guy is going to end up being a serial killer, just trying to impress upon the OP the magnitude of the situation.
Excerpt from website showing early signs of serial killers:
"Cruelty to animals. Many children can be cruel to animals, such as pulling the legs off of spiders, but future serial killers often kill larger animals, like dogs and cats, and frequently for their solitary enjoyment rather than to impress peers."
http://blog.granneman.com/2006/08/20/warning-signs-of-an-incipient-serial-killer/
If someone is willing to grab a phone, break it/throw it outside, I definitely think they would be capable of escalating the violence into something else, like hitting you or your child. He doesn’t sound like he is in control of his anger; regardless of whatever reason you were fighting, or whatever the text message said.
Several years ago I worked on the domestic violence unit of the DA’s office, and partners breaking phones was a common theme – which generally later escalated into more serious violence.
I’m unclear whether you are pregnant, or have a newborn, but either way, contact a family law attorney to set up custody and child support. If he threatens you via text or e mail, save and document everything. Your child can have a relationship with her dad, without you being married to him.
You are quite young and there are literally millions of single men in the US. Cut your losses and move on.
Edit: just saw the animal stuff - that is more than "anger issues" - thats horrible and not normal AT ALL. what if he did that in front of your child??? I don't think its a stretch to think someone who would do that to a helpless animal "for fun" might really lose it on a crying baby. :( :(
As someone who spent part of my childhood in a house where the parents hated each other but stayed together "for the children" I say get the hell out while you can!! There can't be love without trust and I (personally) don't see how you could trust him. What if he gets angry at your daughter? Will he threaten to punch her? Will he punch her? I don't envy the situation you're in, honey, but I wish you all the best in figuring it out! My thoughts are with you. Good luck!!
@teaadntoast: He's a diesel mechanic but the pay isn't that great because of all the child support he has to pay. To dicipline his kids he'll jerk them up by the arm. To me he is mentally abusive to his kids, his 7 year old son is abused because it's not the way he wants him to act. He calls him a girl because he doesn't do things the way he wants them done.
I think you know deep inside that you need to leave this man. If he can get that insanely mad to throw your phone out and to threaten you with physical harm then you dont need to be around him.
@Michelle010: Do you think he'll treat your daughter differently as she gets older?
He's threatening you and apparently he head-butted a child. This is a no brainer. Get out of there. If not for yourself then think about this, if he can do this to you, the woman he married and is meant to love, then what could he do to your child?
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