Post # 1
Okay ladies well I wanted to post something today because it’s sort of a bad waiting day for me. I’ve yet to leave the house today (cleaning) and I’m trying not to right now because it’s extremely hot out. Plus when I’m feeling down a little bit I tend to spend money and want to shop so I’m trying to prevent that. The main reason for me feeling this way is that TODAY was supposed to be my wedding day. After ring shopping July and Sept of last year I just knew we would be married this Summer. Although it turned out to be just MY fantasy because SO never seemed totally on board yet tried to act like he was at times. And being that I’m not even engaged by today that makes it even worse. And granted there were unforeseen and uncontrolable circumstances as to why we aren’t but it still leaves a sucky feeling. Now that I’ve vent on that issue. On to the real one…..
Well I’ve finished my 2nd degree (Go Me!). So my graduation is coming up and I REALLY want to take a trip somewhere to celebrate it. I’ve been saying this for over a year now. Yet a month away and still haven’t purchased anything. More so I’ve been waiting on SO and his decision to pay for his portion because he started a new job about a month ago. And he’s only worked 2 out 5 months so far this year. He didn’t get UI for the other 3 which really set him back. So I’ve tried to be understanding and I’ve kind of not pressed the issue. But my sweet SO really wants to take this trip and continues to talk about it and wants to try to make it happen. Although this is where my dilemma is.
The trip costs about $600 per person. In essence that’s HALF of what my ring cost. He said he can have it in two weeks. Yet there is only 8 weeks (2 months) until our four year anniversary (my deadline). And of course I would rather have a proposal and ring from him than for him to go on this trip with me. I guess if it takes him 2 weeks to save $600 it’s safe to say it will take him 4 weeks to save $1200 (for the ring). Which only leaves a 2 week window before our anniversary. Somewhat do-able but I’m just scared that he may get caught up in going on this trip and pay his money then that will be a “reason” why we aren’t engaged by our anniversary. I’m trying so hard not to say anything but it’s really hard not to. And due to all the time off work I don’t think he’s paid any money toward the ring and if so I think it’s been maybe a small amount (possibly just putting it on layaway, but who knows). So I’m just thinking of it as worse case scenario.
What would you ladies do? Keep quiet? Kindly mention it? I don’t really know how to say something without giving up my “deadline”. During our talk yesterday about the trip itself he did say that “I want to go but I have so many other things to do and pay for, you have your graduation coming up and other stuff”. There is nothing that is going to cost in regards to my graduation so I’m not sure what he meant, I guess he was talking about the ring/wedding (we’ve talked about and sort of started saving for the wedding now). Maybe he will propose around my graduation? Whoa that would be lovely. A girl can wish can’t she.
Thanks for reading bees. Please help.
Post # 3
@PrettySedity: I will always stand next to the “keeping quiet” opinion. A man needs to time to think and plan things through. I don’t think much can happen when being pressured. He more than likely remembers everything you two discussed, including deadlines/time frames. It may not happen when you’d like it to, but it doesn’t mean it will never happen. I’m sure he wants to surprise you and totally have fun with planning it on his own.
Patience is a virtue.
Post # 4
I don’t mean to sound judgemental, but frankly I’m concerned because this post makes it sound like everything is supposed to revolve around you. You had some kind of bizarre intuition/wish about your wedding timeline and became emotionally attached to a specific date without being engaged or discussing with your SO, and now you’re upset that it didn’t happen that way? So basically everything’s supposed to conform to your unspoken wishes or else you get all upset? The poor guy has been struggling with unemployment and you want him to somehow come up with $$ for your ring and for this vacation? What about his finances? What about what’s best for him?
If you want to take this vacation with him, I think the honorable thing to do is to offer to pay his way. And as someone who also had to wait a bit longer than she would have ideally liked to be engaged b/c of her SO’s financial situation (now happily resolved), I would chill out with the deadline stuff. If you actually want to spend the rest of your life with this person, a few extra weeks/months should not be that big of a deal. If you have reason to believe that there are issues besides his finances holding him back, that’s a totally different question and deserves a seperate conversation. But frankly, the economy sucks right now and it’s affecting a lot of people’s lives in truly awful ways. Try to chill out and keep things in perspective. Focus less on this deadline of yours and more on your relationship and your SO’s best interests.
Post # 5
I know you want to say something, I really do because I want to say something to my guy EvERYDAY!! (I’ve been terrible about it recently BTW and he got grouchy) I wouldn’t say something. Once a guy knows, he never forgets! I promise it’s on his mind in some way shape or form. I can’t tell what his attitude is regarding the situation, but it is on his mind, even if it’s just the back of his mind someday. Also, what will saying something accomplish? Nothing unfortunately. It will not give you assurance, it will not get him to do it etc. The only thing it could possibly do is make you feel better, but even with this intent mentioning it again can often backfire. Besides, there are other ways to feel better about the situation….like coming here!! 🙂 Hang in there.
Post # 6
@S.H.: There’s a bit more to it than that. He took me ring shopping and filled my head up with how he would carry out things. So I made a wedding date. Didn’t set it in stone because the proposal hadn’t come yet. But to find out two days before the new year that he hadn’t saved a dime and procrastinated and didn’t tell me that until he was laid off that day. So it wasn’t a fantasy of mine and it was discussed but we never really harped on the topic. It didn’t turn out how I would have liked but I’ve been over it. It worked out for the best anyway because we have both been transitioning jobs this year.
This trip is for my graduation so he doesn’t want me to pay for him. I’ve paid for our last two trips (because I make more). And I think that’s fair.
I’ve also extended my timeline before due to financial circumstances and I’ve been totally supportive of him throughout this time. I feel like I’ve waited long enough and that’s a personal choice. Marriage and kids are very important to me and I’m ready to start now. We’re 4 years in and I feel like it’s past time. Everyone has their breaking point but don’t down me for mine or if it isn’t to ‘your’ standards. And I don’t want him to do both I want him to propose. But I can’t just tell him that. I can go on the trip alone, with others that are already going, or even go somewhere else totally different. It’s no big deal. This is my last graduation so I think I deserve to celebrate it. Don’t you?
Tunacupcakes: I know the feeling hun. After I wrote this post I felt a lot better and decided that I wasn’t going to say anything. I know it’s best. And I think that my SO gets grouchy (without words) if I even hint at the ring/engagement maybe because he’s working on it and knows it’s coming and wants it to be a surprise. So it is best I keep quiet. He told me in April that I don’t have to wait another 4 months which would be August. I hope it comes sooner than later.
Post # 7
You don’t need a ring to get engaged. Stop putting so much emphasis on the ring because honestly, that seemed to be what most of the post was about. Maybe he doesn’t feel ready to be engaged if he’s not financially stable.
Post # 8
@PrettySedity: Having now read some of your previous posts I can see both why you might be at the breaking point and why he would be dragging his feet. Hope it all works out for the best.
Post # 9
That’s frustrating. It really is. Especially since he doesn’t want you helping to pay for the ring. It’s frustrating knowing that a guy’s pride is so wrapped up in the ring in a negative way because it keeps your lives from moving forward. I’ve read it time and time again on this board and have even had my own guy turn down financai assistance from me. It took me a while for me to convince him of the merrit of alternative stones and convince him they aren’t just “fake” stones. It took me a while to get rid of the ideal he had in his head (thanks to his dumb exes) that a guy needs to spend 2 months of income, buy a 1 -1.5ct, quality ring or he’s “not a man.” We love them so much that we just want to be with them. But they can’t get over themselves long enough to accept that. It’s great if you want to buy that big 2ct diamond ring. I would like a porsche. Doesn’t mean I can afford it.
I think you’ve made the right choice by keeping quiet. Life happens. Plans stop being plans. But, for now, you can enjoy your vacation. I know your 4 yr was your deadline. If you love him and the relationship is good, I’d give it a little more time. You know your relationship best, you know if waiting is worth it. If after August you’re bursting at the seams, marriage hasn’t been mentioned, I’d feel free to sit him down for an honest conversation about how it’s making you feel. You could let him know again that if money is the only thing holding him up that you have no problem helping to purchase the ring. Put the ball in his court. Nicely that is. 🙂 Good luck! Sorry you’re having a blah day.
Post # 10
I think your “deadline” isn’t very in touch with the reality of the situation you guys are in financially. You should realize that your relationship is not just about you, and that there are more pressing financial needs for you guys right now! Cut the poor guy some slack! He is obviously very much in love with you and serious about getting engaged. Give him some more time to come up with the cash in a way that doesn’t interfere with your lives.
Also, a deadline without an open line of communication with him about where your boundaries are regarding a timeline is pretty pointless. Relationships are about communication, not about expecting him to read your mind to propose in a predetermined timeline you have not disclosed.
Post # 11
Contrary to @crayfish:‘s statement, I feel like plenty of “slack” has been cut already. Just my opinion.
But I am glad that you decided to not say anything.. as many others have stated, it’s usually for the best. Hang in there, girl.. it’s coming soon! Congrats on the graduation!! I’m proud of you! Still working on my own. :o)
Post # 12
Make it crystal clear that you understand if he can’t afford the trip. However, if he’s unaware that he’s so short on time, I highly doubt he will choose not to go. I think if you say anything else beyond that, it will come across as kind of controlling, like you’re telling him not to go because he should be spending that money on YOU. I totally understand where you’re coming from, but I think HE will perceive it that way.
If he wants to propose, he will find a way to make it happen.
Post # 13
@MsFoxxy: Thanks my WB BFF…
@KatyElle: Unfortunately rings are very important traditions in both of our families. So either of us won’t feel comfortable without one. Personal preference.
@claireos: Like your Porsche analogy. Thank you.
@April_Mae: Oh he knows he’s short on time without me saying. Although he doesn’t know my exact deadline. I’ve made it crystal clear. Trust me. And I did briefly mention a couple months ago when we begin discussing purchasing the trip to not over extend himself because I would rather him purchase “something else” than to go on the trip.
Post # 14
In that case, there’s really nothing else to say. I don’t necessarily think it will happen by your anniversary, but I think there’s a good chance he’ll propose in the near future.
Post # 15
@PrettySedity: Yeah, and you can get a ring that doesn’t cost $1200. My first ring cost $130. If he can’t afford it, he can’t afford it, tradition or not.
Post # 16
I dont mean to sound bitchy but you NEED to calm down…. I know you’ve been waiting forever but seriously – you are going to ruin the experiance for yourself… I know – I did it too…
Its great, I love being engaged… but nagging FI into the deal made him rush and it was NOT a romantic moment that I can share with anyone else… and it makes me sad…
dont do that to yourself!