Post # 1
Some of you remember my vent from y-day about a “friend” copying certain elements of my wedding. Aside from this, I dont actually kno her that well. Her FI and me are very very close we’ve known each other since Pre-school and he is like family to me, thats how come I ended up being a BM in her wedding which is a few weeks after mine. When she first asked me I politely declined and said I had to plan my own and couldnt really afford to travel to her state n take more time off work and all that. She laughed it off and said she wouldnt take no for an answer and that she would coming to my wedding to help me with planning so I’d be less stressed.She told me that her wedding wasnt gonna cost me much cos she was keeping is very simply going to use tea length Davids bridal special occasion dresses under $100 She seemed like she was genuinely tryin to win my friendship and was very helpful at first, even more than my BMs so just by virtue of the great friendship I have with her FI who lives out of the country I asked her to be my BM.
Everything was fine until recently, When she started changing her colors to be the same as mine, and changed the davidsbridal affordable dress to a dress by another designer thats over $200, plus I have to pay for expensive hair extensions she wants all the bms to get, not to mention the shoes, air fare and other expenses. Her wedding is no longer the simple affair she originally told me it would be and I honestly dont really trust her, since she started copying my ideas. I’m 5ft 11 with a long torso and discussed with her that if she chooses a full length dress I NEED to be able to try it on first, because it might not be long enough. she chose a dress that is available at a local boutique near me but I only found this out by doing some serious detective work, she refused to tell me the style number or name of the designer and just showed us a picture and said that we must all send her the money to her bank account for her to order the dresses together from her local store in her state. Why would she not want us to try on the dress first? I really want to step down and ask her to step down from my wedding. But I’m scared its gonna cause all hell to break lose and that it will create a problem between me and her FI? Should I just sit tight and endure it and fork out the xtra money for her wedding? Or cut her off and save that money. I could use that money to rent nicer chairs for my wedding or do something else for me. Is that selfish of me? I didnt mind spending the money when I thought she was a nice reasonable person but right now I dont want to have anything to do with her.
Post # 3
Can you talk to her fiance first since he is like family to you? Plus…he’s a guy. He’s bound to think forcing hair extensions on people (wtf) and upping the price of the bm dress by over $100 is crazy anyway. Just before you go cutting ties and potentially damaging friendships…be honest with him/them first and say you want this to work out but it’s starting to cause some problems for you.
Hopefully they’ll be decent and understanding about it.
Post # 4
If you decide to step down, I would talk to FI first and explain it by talking about the cost, not how crazy his fiancee is being :). I wouldn’t expect him to be able to change anything about her choices, but I think talking to him will help save the friendship if you back out (and I would, by the way! The girl sounds kinda psycho).
My mom had hair extensions put in once, and I think it was a couple hundred? It was at least over $100, which is crazy of her to ask you to do.
Post # 5
Ugh! What a tough situation. You sound like you are trying to be totally reasonable and that your ‘friend’ has gone off the deep end!!
I think telling her you can’t be in her wedding makes sense and you may be able to get out of it without deeply hurting anyone’s feelings – you already told her you felt you didn’t have the extra time to fully devote yourself to being a bridesmaid, and you can just say that as the wedding gets nearer you are stretched too thin and it would be better for everyone if you simply came as a guest to celebrate with her.
However, if you ask her to step down in your wedding, her feelings will almost certainly be hurt. Obviously she’s not your favorite person ever at the moment, but she is your good friends future wife so she’s going to be in your life and unless she’s going to totally stress you out on the day it seems best just to leave her in your wedding.
That said, ultimately you need to do what’s best for you on your wedding day!
Post # 6
Politely step down using $ as the reason since everything is costing way mroe than she had originally promised. Just say you will still be happy to attend as a guest and support her, but at this time cannot afford the dress, hair, makeup, etc. I wouldn’t mention anything about not being able to try on the dress, that’s something she can easily argue with. And I wouldn’t necessarily kick her out of your bridal party, but just mention that you would totally understand if she needs to drop out of yours for the same reasons, giving her an out.
Post # 7
I agree with everyone that has already posted. You should be able to use money as your “get out of jail free card” reason with this situation. However, I also think maybe talking to her FI is also a good idea since you seem to really care about him as part of you life.
You have to do what is best for you at the end of the day. Good Luck!!
Post # 8
From the sound of it, being her bridesmaid is not something you want to do or something you’re excited about.
I would step down from her wedding, citing money and time as reasons, since she can’t really argue those. Tell her you can’t be the bridesmaid she wants and deserves, and that you hope she understands.
Hopefully getting rid of the stress being a bridesmaid in her wedding is causing you will make things better!
Post # 9
I would speak to her directly and say that due to costs and the proximity to yours you won’t be able to be a BM. Offer to help her out maybe with other things, and maybe help out that weekend or wedding prep some. Say you’ll be still recovering from your own wedding (thats true!) and things like unpacking, gifts, thank you cards etc will be top priorirty and you want to be honest.
Post # 10
Thanks for all the responses so far…
Post # 11
Also, the reason why i want to ask her to step down is cos I just dont trust her.. and I feel that once I’m not in her wedding she may just not show up to mine or do anything.. I’d rather know ahead of time that she is out rather than hope for the best that she doesnt sabotage mine..
Post # 12
I agree with the PP that you should talk to your friend and explaiin to him what is going on. If you are really close friends, he can understand how upsetting it is to you that on top of things costing WAY more than was initially promised, his FI is also using all of your ideas for their wedding. He should be able to understand why you aren’t comfortable with that.
Once you have talked to him, firmly but gently let his FI know that you will not be able to be a BM in her wedding due to the increase in the costs of things.
Post # 13
I think its a great idea for me to talk to him first and then exlain everything.. and then tell her afterwards. Sigh
Post # 14
mandating hair extensions for bridesmaids? that’s hysterical