(Closed) Should I take him back?If so how to get things back on track?

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1747 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

 I can say that my now FI and I broke up for about six months after close to a year of dating.

Things were moving fast and I think he got a little scared that we could end up together for a long time. So we broke up. I did some dating and he did some dating. I cut off ALL communication for those six months and had pretty much moved on with my life and didn’t want to accept him back.

But, he convinced me to get coffee with him. I realized how good we were together and how much I missed him. I considered giving him a second shot after hearing what he had to say.

I have to stress that I DID NOT make it easy for him, however. I acted VERY cold in the first few months. I did not give him all of me because I had been hurt, so I was very cautious and waited until I knew he was in it for the right reasons. I made sure that he knew I wouldn’t be taking any shit anymore and if anything happened that regressed back to the past, I was out for real, and I meant it.

We’re about to get married and I don’t regret going back to him, but every situation is different. Be careful with your heart, be sure you like him for the right reasons and not just because you got lonely and miserable after you broke up. Be a little guarded if you have to be. 

He lost you once and in my opinion, he should work VERY hard to get you back again for making such a stupid mistake to begin with.

And if you need more reinforcement, pick up the book, “He’s Just Not That Into You” for some reminders of your value and how a guy should treat you if he likes you.

 EDIT:

I read your post about him cheating and lying. Trust issues are difficult than just cold feet and him wanting to see what’s out there. Your relationship foundation is very weak as he cheated and you may never trust him deep down, even though you say you do. Proceed cautiously and maybe talk to a counselor, because you might miss him now, but you might be in the same situation in a few months. That might not be worth it.

Good luck 🙂

Post # 4
Member
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

oops

Post # 5
Member
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

In my experience (just mine and my friends and family this is not fact of course) I have seem more of my friends who marriages are still going strong were couples that broke up and got back together and know what it’s like to lose one another and I left my then BF now FI three times and come back all three times all three times at 3 months at a time. (If that as not confusing I don’t know what is) HA so from just want I see, saw, and have done I say if you don’t want to lose him why not give it another shot.  People get scarred (I did 3 times LOL) and run it takes almost just as much to go back with your tail between your legs as it does to take someone back. If my FI had not given me 3 chances I would not be happy in love and getting married to the love of my life at 38 years old so I am sympathetic of runners LOL 

Post # 6
Member
1562 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Well, maybe I am old, but a text is a little bit of a cop out.  He should come to you and say all of this to your face, to start.

Post # 8
Member
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Lt.Columbo:  

I agree I have to say as an older woman I also contacted my BF after leaving the third time thru I.M.. Is it right NO, was I a coward YES!  The thought of rejection because of how bad I hurt him was just too much and yes it was selfish of me but luckily it did work out. 

Post # 11
Member
6 posts
Newbee

@MrsVMT:  You sound like you are willing to take another jab at it. Tread lightly. You miss him right now and will likely eat his words up. He knows this. Words mean nothing- look for actions. If the actions match what you’re looking for, I am a firm believer that everyone deserves a second chance. BUT- listen to your gut and don’t be blinded by emotions. If you see a red flag- get out.

Post # 12
Member
2786 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Lt.Columbo:  lol, that was my FIRST THOUGHT!

OP: To answer your original question: maybe. I really think you need to go back and re-read your previous posts (as I just did), and try to remember your relationship accurately-all the flaws, all the fights, the things he did that drove you nuts….when you break up with someone it’s so easy to remember only the good, and think you made a mistake,

Of course it’ spossible he changed, and of course it’s possible you can trust him now….maybe this DID give him the kick in the pants to realise what he had. But I do also think you had a lot of fundamental issues (him being intimidated by your intelligence and success being a BIG one), and before you rush to get back together you need to figure out how to get past them, or they’ll just come up again. You are BOTH going to need to change. Are you both willing to do that?

Good luck with whatever you decide 🙂

Post # 13
Member
955 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@LuckyJuls:  This is truly excellent advice. Couldn’t have said it any better myself.

Post # 14
Member
2207 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

every time that i have gotten back together with an ex, it has only made things worse.  they realize that they can do anything they want and get away with it with no consequences, so it’s like a constant battle.  THIS IS ONLY IN MY EXPERIENCE THOUGH, i have heard of plenty of people who have broken up and gotten back together and ended up getting married. that has never worked out for me. hahah

after i stopped getting back together with my ex, i started dating such a sweet guy who REALLY does not hurt me. it’s so wonderful. i’m the only one who has suggested us ending things (mainly b/c i’m indecisive and an idiot haha), and every time he fights for me and doesn’t let me entertain thoughts of us breaking up. it’s awesome to be in a relationship with someone who really respects you and doesn’t want to be apart from you, even for a week.

i think you deserve someone who treats you right. maybe your ex will do that now, maybe he won’t. if you do decide to get back together with him, you’ll probably be able to guage pretty quickly if he’s going to be different this time. just make sure you don’t waste any more time than necessary figuring that out!

 

Post # 15
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Actually this is not like me at all but I sa give it a try. If it does not work what better way to move on. Otherwise you may always wonder.

Post # 16
Member
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@MrsVMT:  Be extremely cautious. It is all rosy when they text from their comfort zone that they will change and be better and “please forgive me” and la de da. But the reality is in a couple months I’m betting he’ll be back to his old ways again and you too will default to your routine. Not blaming him or you, but you gotta do the work to figure this out, not just rush into each others’ arms blind. It is nice that he is willing to come forward like this, and I realize this is a big step for him, but he should say it to your face, at YOUR place, where you are most comfortable and where he is completely vulnerable an open to YOU. That he would give that much of himself is what you are after, because you know you would give that back to him, right?

So.

I’d put him through the wringer. Why is he suddenly so interested in getting back together? Was his alternative situation (alone, we can only imagine since you said he’s cheated before) not working out like he thought it would and now he is back to you? What exactly will he do to treat you better? What steps will he take? What is his plan here? How does he expect to keep up with his new plan since he’s behaved so differently for so long? If he says he’ll be better, I’d say, “PROVE IT!” and don’t even think about taking him back 100% until he does prove it to you over time and you are sure of it.

I’d also ask yourself some tough questions: What, exactly, are YOU to gain from rekindling this with him? Beyond comfort because you already know each other, what exactly does he give you emotionally, spiritually, that makes you feel supported, adored, and challenged as a person, beyond him putting you up at his place for a couple months. I’m talking about the real deal here, virtues that are not tangible, but felt through and through.

Also, what are you to gain from NOT being with him, and on your own? Does the idea of dating someone who is 100% truthful with you from the start, who doesn’t cheat, and who treats you right consistently do anything for you? How about a guy that comes to you honestly and doesn’t hide behind his cell phone? They do exist.

I speak from experience. I took a guy back and wound up marrying him, only to divorce a year and a half later. He called me a couple times after we’d broken up and I finally agreed to meet with him, but I met him at his place and then he proposed in a very, very half-ass manner (on his couch, not even getting on one knee, he kinda slumped over.)

Here’s the kicker: He told me I “made him a better person” and that was why he wanted me back. But while I made him a better person, the truth was, he didn’t make me a better person. It has to go both ways in a healthy relationship. I was, and am, a catch for many…but not many are a catch for me. Thankfully, I’ve found my match years after these shenanigans.

I can look back now and see how I was stupid to be so frickin’ forgiving of him. So please, don’t make the same mistake I did. Ask a LOT of questions of yourself and of him. Don’t be afraid to do it. And do NOT make a rash decision. THERE IS NO NEED TO RUSH THIS. Take your time.

 

 

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