Hey bees,
So if any of you have been keeping up with my recent posts, two of my friends got engaged recently. They've been together 6 1/2 years and me and my SO have been together 7 1/2. Now, last night, I was chatting to the engaged girl and she admitted she actually felt really nervous about telling me and SO that they were engaged - like, more nervous than telling their family or any other friends. She says it's because we're the same age and she feels like it should be us first, not them. I told her no, don't be silly, our time will come and it doesn't matter who gets married first at all, as it is not a race. However, she still felt obviously bad. I felt bad too, because this is a girl I am just starting to get to know well and I hope to become brilliant friends with in the coming months, and here I was, not being 100% honest with her. I am a big believer in honesty and open communication, so I guess holding back the truth felt like I was putting up a barrier between me and a girl who I am trying to get close to. I don't really want that barrier there. The truth, however, is that when I first heard the news of their engagement, I did feel instantly sick, like I'd been punched in the stomach, I cried a little and my heart was beating super fast for ages afterwards. I congratulated them because I was happy for them but I was also jealous that very first day. The next day, I was nothing but happy for them and I have been ever since. I'm so excited and ecstatic for the pair of them.
The thing is.... since she was saying she still feels so bad about getting married before us (she does know we have started planning but aren't official yet due to saving up), and she said she feels like we deserve it more, and since I also don't like holding back the 100% truth from her, should I go ahead and tell her something along the lines of "you know what, I understand why you were nervous to tell us, I was a little jealous at first and I really shocked myself by feeling that way at such a happy moment, but I got over it really, really quick because I am so happy for you guys and because I know that there is absolutely nothing "unfair" about you getting married first. If I wanted to, I could get married sooner, but I am choosing to save so we can have the wedding of our dreams. One day I will be engaged but for now this is about YOU TWO and let's celebrate it because it's so amazing"?
Or should I just keep my mouth shut about the whole thing? (My mind is telling me just keep quiet about it because no good can come from her thinking that anyone, anyone at all, has or has had any negative emotions about her happiest news ever. Then the other part of my mind tells me I should be honest with this girl if I want to build a meaningful friendship with her and she may respect me for sharing a harsh truth with her.)
I think now that you're so excited for them, it's just water under the bridge. If you were still feeling upset/nervous, it might merit a conversation? But since you're happy, just keep this little jealous moment to yourself. I think most of us get that feeling when someone gets engaged, if I told every friend I was a little jealous at first when they got something, we'd have to talk out way too many feelings!
I think you need to zip it. No good can come of you telling her that you were initially jealous. I feel that it would just let you get it off of your chest. It would be just to make her feel like someone WASN'T happy about her engagement, and that's something that she really doesn't need to know...especially now that your feelings after your initial reaction have changed.
@VickyAurea: No good is going to come from telling your friend you were/are jealous. If she mentions it in the future, tell her you are thrilled for the two of them and change the subject.
I'd vote keep your mouth shut. She sounds like a very sweet person to even think of your feelings, so why risk hurting hers? It's natural to be jealous of someone else's happiness...no matter how happy you are someone will always do something before you and you'll always be a little green. It's normal, but personal. It sounds as though you've come around and are completely happy for them, so there's no reason to bring it up. If anything, her caring about your feelings and you showing nothing but happiness will strengthen the friendship! I'm all for honesty and communication...but you have nothing to gain by fessing up to this one, so I'd let it slide. Like you told her, your day will come and she'll be so excited for you too!
@VickyAurea: I would just keep quite. My sister got engaged a year ago and you know how every girl knows exactly what kind of ring she wishes for...well my sister got that ring. On top of me being jealous that she was engaged and I was still waiting for my SO to pop the question, I had to deal with her wearing MY ring. It really ate me up with jealouse. Like you it really shocked me the way I felt. I ended up not saying anything at all. I did my duties as a BM with a smile on my face because I was truley happy for her. Looking back I'm so glad I kept my mouth shut. When I finally got engaged, I got this ring that I love even more.
If you say something, you could jeapordize your friendship. I would just keep it to yourself, maybe talk about it with your SO and eventually you will feel better and it will be your turn.
Yeah, I agree. What I meant to add was that I felt like my anecdote might help to realise that she doesn't have to feel bad (if that even makes any sense.... it does in my head). Like, yes, she makes a good point but I honestly don't mind at all and she can KNOW I mean it because I'm being honest about how I first felt, too.
I think you're all probably right, though, which is why I kept my mouth shut last night when she was going on about feeling bad.
What is the point of telling her you were jealous? Really? How were you not honest with her? If you say anything to her it is making this about you. Sorry, it's her time right now. Why do you want her to feel bad about her wedding?
Okay, 3 people have voted tell her the truth, where ARE these people? Own up! :P
Seriously, I'd love to hear your take on it, too.
@Sunflower--girl: It's not honest because she said she was nervous we'd be upset when she told us and I said no, we're happy for you. That isn't 100% honest because I was a bit upset, yeah, but she really needn't worry about it because it is my issue, not hers.
My advice: Never, ever tell a person you're jealous of them. Always put on a huge smile and act like their #1 supporter.
She'll never know how you initially felt, therefore I don't think it's necessary to tell her.
This is one of those moments when honesty really isn't the best policy. And a lot of times it isn't.
It's REALLYYYYYYYY nice of her to come up to you and talk to you about this. Consider yourself lucky that you are going to be developing a close relationship with a thoughtful person like her. Most ppl are not like that. I know that from my own personal engagement experience.
I'm wondering why you think it would benefit her at all to hear this from you? I think the only reason why anyone would say something like that would be to unload their jealousy or frustration on the person they're feeling it towards. And you would also be taking some of her joy away by saying something like "Yes, you got engaged first but it's not a big deal because I can get married anytime I want". This isn't about you, it's about her.
I think you should swallow all of those feelings and urges to tell her how you really feel for now. Focus on her engagement which is totally separate from your relationship. You are clearly well aware that your time will come at which time I guarantee you will want her to do the same for you. Who knows, she might be feeling jealous that since you waited you are going to have a more extravagant wedding! And you wouldn't want her projecting those feelings out on you, all you'll want is for her to be supportive!
I wouldn't say anything, there's really no good that could come out of it..Your time will come.
@VickyAurea: But you aren't lying. You are happy for her. And you are right - jealousy is about YOU, not her. I really just don't see the point in upsetting her.
I would be SO upset to know that you felt this way (if you were my friend). I know that quite a few of my friends were secretly upset (including my MOH) that I was getting married before them, but not a person told me. A bride has enough things to worry about without worrying about your feelings that she can't change.
I think right now theres nothing you can really say. When you she first brought it up you could have said in a joking way I'm totally jealous of you guys but happy as well. But now I think its too late to bring it up again. This is the sort of thing to just keep to yourself.
Hey :) so I'm owning up! I'm onw of the "tell her" votes hehe
I only say this because I have been in that situation more than once! I am the only one in my circle of friends who is not married or does not have kids.. and I was the ONLY one who wanted all of that to begin with ! hehe so many of my friends have been a little nervous/afraid to tell me their good news. I have felt the "punch in the stomach" when they told me.. and the great happiness the next day (or next hour sometimes ! hehe) And I did tell them. Not right away! But a little later, when the subject came up again. What my friends said was that they were glad I told them and that they felt better because they kinda knew but didnt want to say anything because I was being so excited but they felt weird about it. We can now laugh about it and I can help them plan or go babysit without feeling two-faced :)
That being said, you know your situation better than anyone could ! Just sharing my story :)
Unless the two of you are talking and SHE brings up the topic again, I would say leave it be. I suspect you two will be brilliant friends: you are both so cautious of the other's feelings! :-)
@moderndaisy: I already answered this question above. "I felt like my anecdote might help to realise that she doesn't have to feel bad (if that even makes any sense.... it does in my head). Like, yes, she makes a good point but I honestly don't mind at all and she can KNOW I mean it because I'm being honest about how I first felt, too."
Thanks everyone for your replies, I will go with my first instinct and keep my mouth shut.
I would not say a word, you had your moment where you could have been honest about it but you didn't say a word. To say something now will make you look like you are very very jealous. Just act happy and keep your mouth shut
What do the rest of you think about what @maudemaisha: said?
(Thanks for your story by the way, it's really useful to hear this from the other side. That's just the thing - I feel dishonest by not just saying yeah, I did feel bad a bit, but I don't now so let's move on. Whereas all I am saying is "don't be silly", which is frankly patronising because I'm sure she has an inkling that I'd be jealous, as we've both been talking loads about our eventual wedding plans. She isn't stupid, she knows I want this too.)
@Sassygrn: Oh, if I WERE going to say something, it would be when she brings it up again. Which I suspect she might. Last night she kept saying "pleeeeease can we swap wedding dates" (we'd then both be marrying at our 9year mark, rather than 8 and 10).
@VickyAurea: I understand what you're saying, that coming clean will make you more believable, but I don't think it will end up coming off the way you mean for it to. "I wasn't happy at first, but I totally am now!" Will probably be more of an insult than a 'let's hug and bond' type of response you are going for.
And trust me, when I got engaged, first reactions were everything. I actually cut out two people from my guest list and eventually stopped being friends who gave a poor reaction to my engagement news. Both were actually girlfriends of mine who had been dating their boyfriends for years without an engagement. They both gave an uninterested "Oh yes I heard" response when I announced it to them. I figured, if they can't even pretend to be excited for me then they aren't real friends.
@moderndaisy: I agree that first reactions are everything. A long time friend of mine never bothered to call me and congratulate me or even post on my facebook. They are not invited to my wedding. I know they knew because their SO commented and texted me. This person was just being nasty.
I think the most important thing is that you are geniunely happy for your friend now, OP. As long as the happiness you feel towards her engagement is true, you are not in the wrong. If you find yourself gritting your teeth and smiling and acting as though you care about her wedding when really you are consumed with envy, then might be the time to reconsider talking to her, etc. For now I think it's ok to keep doing what you are doing and not say anything.
Honestly, I think everyone in you and your friend's situation knows that when it comes down to it, the person waiting for a proposal is always a little saddened/jealous at first when they hear someone else is engaged before them. I felt the same way towards friends when I was waiting, but I quickly shut those feelings down and appreciated that they were so happy, and I know that some of my waiting friends felt that pang in their stomach when I got engaged last year. The most important thing is that you, deep down, are happy for the other person. If you react genuine to her right now, she will give you that same love and friendship back when your time finally comes.
@VickyAurea: Hi, I'm one of the 3 who voted to tell her. Sorry for the vote and run!
I initially was going to vote not to tell. But I was swayed by how lovely your hypothetical conversation was. It emphasizes that you are happy for her, and you own up to a failing that's just human nature. You are trying to befriend a person, and often showing some honesty and vulnerability actually endears us to people. So unlike those who voted not to tell, I do think that some good could come of this.
I would leave off the part about how you could have an earlier wedding date but chose not to, but otherwise I think this is overall a nice thing to say if you emphasize your happines for her.
I personally wouldn't tell her - it might make her feel guilty about her engagement and think she has hurt you.
We all have these feelings of jealousy and hurt when someone gets engaged before us - but I think sharing them will ultimately make the other person more uncomfortable.
@Over the Moon: Thanks for your explanation! This is obviously the result I was aiming for by providing a more honest answer if she brings it up again. But I'm feeling like it's maybe a bad idea since so many people said no.
@VickyAurea: You can be good friends with her without the 100% honesty. Sometimes honesty hurts. Not saying to lie, but it is not bad to hold some things, especially this. If you are happy for her, continue to be happy for her and leave it at that.
Im an old person - and I couldnt help but read this post, and wanted to answer. So heres an old person's advice ~
Actually, Honesty about jealousy is all in the timing. Sometimes the timing to share is right, sometimes it isnt. sometimes its never.
And Honestly (lol)? All of us may want to consider in the future - how will WE feel when others have their first children before us too? Or first nice house? Or ...?
As you, VickyAurea, were smart to acknowledge, Jealousy does rear its ugly head in all of us, sometimes little, sometimes not. But its good that you nipped it in the bud before it reared its ugly head and spilled its beans over someones wedding party lol.
So being honest with someone else about jealous feelings is all in the timing. When you two are old and grey, maybe you can make her laugh by sharing those feelings of that "time" while you watch your grandchildren play together... :)
@Over the Moon: That is just it. She made up a hypothetical conversation. In reality, it could go terribly wrong. As it stands now, the waters are calm.
no offense but I think this girl knows that you felt a stab of jealousy- if she knows you are waiting (or has ever been there) then she knows how it feels and she knows that your momentary spurt of jealousy was there, I think what she was asking is if it was STILL bothering you/would be a problem between you in the future... granted it's sorta silly to ask that because it's a no win question in my opinion
if it's weighing on your conscience (and hers) why not just own up to it? it's no big deal, and i think it will solidify the fact that you actually are happy for her, even if you had that little pang.
this will sound totally weird if you've not heard of the new my little pony series (which is seriously an internet sensation), but i swear there's an episode just like this. so i'll just leave this link here....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DdGCJVYncwU
@laceywings: Hahaha I had heard! Not seen, though. Primark happened to be selling the T-shirts so I have one, just cos it looks nice but I have never seen nor played with My Little Ponies EVER so I feel like a bit of a fraud. I'll watch this tomorrow. :P
I am sure she knows you were jealous.
Life is about perfectly timed, not lies per se, but half truthes. She knows you were jealous, but she is not calling you on it because she knows she would feel the same way and it would be unfair to kick you when you are feeling down, and you told her you aren't jealous because it would hurt her. It's not lying, its putting one's own desire to unleash every little thought and feeling we have aside for the feelings of another, which arguably is nobler.
I just voted to tell her the truth. My reasoning: Your hypothetical conversation is extremely mature and self-focused -- that is, you take responsibility for your own feelings and choices. If you want this person to be a close friend, I think it's worth the risk to share your true feelings in the way you expressed them here. You're not at all asking her to take responsibility for your feelings, and you're expressing what seems to be genuine happiness for her situation. Hiding your stab of envy will, I suspect, drive you apart, because she'll sense that it's there but feel uncomfortable bringing it up if you don't.
Secrets are never good between friends.
One day I will be engaged but for now this is about YOU TWO and let's celebrate it because it's so amazing
This is the ONLY part of your post that I would say if she continues to tell you she feels bad. In my opinion, everything else is irrelevant, except for this.
No good will come from you telling her anything else.
@Pinksapphire: Agree completely here.
No need to tell her, and guess what? In 5, 10, 20 years, this will never ever matter...hopefully you both have the great friendship you are hoping for!
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