Post # 1
I’m sure most of us have all had the “when did you lose your virginity” talk with our FIs. Our talk was pretty casual, he was showing me old pics. of him and one was of him and a girl. I teased him and was like “ooo…is that your girlfriend??” and he toldme that she had “taken his v-card” when they turned 18 (right before he left for basic)
I was pretty surprised, and he asked me when I lost mine. I told him. I was 14. End of convo.
Now, a few years later, we are about to be maried. While he has told me he doesn’t care to hear about my “sexual experiences” with others, I feel that I have omitted a big part of my life. How I lost my virginity.
Long story short, I was about 13 when a friend of the family began spending time with me. A lot. He was much older (in his mid twenties)and “cool”. He gave me he support, comfort and companionship (and what I thought was love) that was missing from my broken family. He told me he loved me but I was too young for him. Well, eventually we began doing things, and he is who I eventually lost my virginity to. I had to move out of state for unrelated issues, so we ended things when I was 15. Sadly, I did not see it as being manipulated and sexually influenced until years later. Furthermore, I still do not feel violated or have any real ill feelings towards the guy. I know it was wrong, but I was a willing participant (for the record, I never received any counselling for this), so I don’t feel it is fair to paint him as a “bad guy” (even though he really is…)
By not telling FI, I feel that I am lying to him, and I feel horrible about it. On the other hand, I feel that he does not need to know, especially since it was not forced on me, and I don’t want him to look at me differently. I also have never told him that my step-father used to touch me inappropriatley (during the same time the other thing was going on). I am so scared to tell him because I don’t want him to look at me as “broken” or “damaged”. I have finally found a man who loves me for who I am and I don’t want to ruin that. I know he would be understanding, but I don’t want him to se me as a victim.
Please help, what would you do? I am so confused about what happened, and so confused as to whether or not I should tell FI.
Post # 3
I am so scared, I can’t believe I posted that. I just can’t talk to anyone in my life about it, it is too surreal.
Post # 4
@ScaredeeBee: This is a toughy. I think that telling your FI, especially if he has never expressed interest in hearing about this part of your life, may surprise him. But I think it would be a heavy burden to hold onto this for the rest of your lives. Has this ever presented a problem in the past? I know you say you still didn’t see this as a violation, but has it ever caused any mistrust or uneasiness in your relationship? If so, you should tell him. If not, I would find someone to talk to, like a counselor, to begin to let go of this part of your life.
Post # 5
Hey there hun. I say you tell him. Look as it as a chance to be closer. He loves you. End of story. He won’t run and it won’t make you a victim. You’ll still be a strong woman in his eyes. Wishing you the best.
Post # 6
First of all I am sad to hear about what happened to you:( fair enough if you don’t see the man who took your virginity as a negative experience, but what you step dad did is 100% wrong and you did not deserve that or cause that in any way. From your post you seem really conflicted on whether or not this is an “important” event. Do you think your FI would be hurt if he found out later on that you didn’t tell him about these events?
Post # 7
If it’s bothering you I think you should tell him. If you feel like you’re lying about it. On the other hand you don’t feel like a victim, and he would rather not know. The thing is, if it’s bothering you I think he’d rather know. I’m sure he wants you to feel at ease about it. I’m sure he won’t think any less of you for it.
I’m sorry you went through that. Seriously. I hope you figure it out!
Post # 8
Well, I think everyone has a past, and not all of the relationships or virginity stories are budding appropriate romances if you catch my drift.
What catches my attention is that if bothers YOU so you have to deal with your conscious, which to me is begging you to at least discuss it with you soon to be husband. I don’t think he is thinking what your thinking, but its important you guys communicate and that you feel confident. Also if you feel you have been manipulated, raped, abused or whatever in the past regarding sexual things, definitely check in with a counselor if you haven’t already!
Post # 9
I don’t see how he could be hurt by this. It was something unfortunate that happened to you and anybody would understand why you wouldn’t want to talk about it.
I think on your own time you should talk to him about it, it might be nice to just let it all out to a supportive ear.
Post # 10
I am so sorry that all of that happened to you. It’s terrible. 🙁
I am all about honesty, and I have no tolerance for lying. However, you have not lied to your FI about this. You told him the truth — that you lost your virginity at the age of 14. That was not a lie. Also, your FI has already told you that he did not want to hear details regarding your sexual history.
I talked with my DH about this situation to get his perspective before I posted my comments, as he is a pastor who often counsels people. He thinks that it may be best for you to deal with both of these issues in a counseling setting instead of attempting to have a catharsis through unburdening yourself directly to your FI at this time. Then, if your counselor thinks that there is a need for you to address these issues with your FI in the future, he or she could help you to do that.
Post # 11
I would recommend having a conversation with him about it- you can even preface it with you telling him that you know he’s not interested in details, but you think it’s important for him to be aware of aspects of what happened. i have a very, very dear friend who experienced some sexual abuse and it negatively impacted her marriage because she never told her husband about it. now they’ve cleared the air and their relationship is a lot healthier for it. i know it’s intimidating, but your fiance loves you very much and he won’t think less of you.
Post # 12
I don’t see why you think you’ve lied. It is very difficult for a man to think about his woman being with someone else, so I wouldn’t force the details on him if he hasn’t asked for it. You have to think about his feelings. It is the past and its not negatively affecting you, so I don’t see what you have to get off your chest.
If you absolutely must, maybe you can pry to find out if he’d like to know more about your past – but bring it up in an indirect way.
Post # 13
- Wedding: April 2013 - ceremony at a gazebo outside, reception at neighboring restaurant on a lake
My fiance was very supportive when I told him about my sexual past and I think your fiance would be the same way. No guy likes to hear that something like that has happened to their significant other but I think that rarely makes a guy look at a girl as damaged. Typically, the guys that think girls are damaged are the 15 year old immature guys wanting to “pop everyone’s cherry”.
Counseling helped me a lot, and I still have issues that I am dealing with related to my sexual assault when I was 15. It doesn’t acutely affect my sexual relationship with my fiance, but sometimes I have trouble getting ready to go someplace. He used to get really mad at me because it took so long for me to get ready sometimes and he couldn’t understand why I was 45 minutes late sometimes. I finally explained to him that it is what I call my “whore complex”. If I look in the mirror too much and start thinking my clothes show off my body too much then I feel slutty in everything even if I change into baggy jeans and a t-shirt. Then I find it really difficult to go out in public at all. It doesn’t happen often, but he needed to understand where these “flare-ups” were coming from so he could help me pick out an outfit, help me feel protected, and cut me some slack for making us late.
With my ex (we had started dating when I was 21) I had trouble even letting him lay on top sometimes without going into a panic. But that trouble completely went away about 2 yrs into that relationship and has never been a problem with my fiance.
If you have any issues like this I think you should tell your fiance. You don’t have to give all the details, just let him know that when you were 14, it was within your will, but that it was sexual coersion/persuasion and that looking back your realize that person took advantage of you. Tell him that’s all you feel like sharing and that was hard enough to share as it is and that you will try to share more if he wants you to after you work on it through counseling. If you don’t have issues affecting the relationship, I think you should start with the counselor and tell your fiance when you feel OK about it.
I was “consenting” at 15 also. But in my head I was thinking: “I love him and he loves me so this is what we do, right? I don’t like the way that feels, I feel violated. I don’t want him to do that. I can’t say anything because we are in love and it makes him happy.” Took me until college volunteering for a rape crisis center before I learned that that classified as assault!! I should’ve realized it sooner because that guy apologized to me multiple times over the following years, and told me about how he had been molested, so he obviously knew I didn’t want to do that stuff.
I really encourage you to do counseling. Maybe it is even affecting you in ways you don’t realize?
Good luck to you, XOXOXOXOXO!
Post # 14
@Brielle: I agree with your post!
Post # 15
- Wedding: April 2013 - ceremony at a gazebo outside, reception at neighboring restaurant on a lake
I was scared too. But the more you talk about it the better it gets in my experience. But you will have to take it at your own pace.
Post # 16
I think that if this is something that profoundly affects your day to day life, then you should share it with him.
I don’t even think my husband knows about how I lost my virginity…mostly because it wasn;t all that special!