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i would highly recommend moissanite. moissaniteco has some great reviews and TONS Of bees here have moissy rings and love them. do a search :) it is so well priced too!
FI assumed I wanted a diamond because I worked in the diamond industry for a while.
The way I got him off that idea was by mentioning how I think diamonds are way too expensive and how I prefered moissanites.
We walk around the city a lot and every time we passed a jewelry store I would stop and look.
I went on and on about how I didn't want a diamond. How I find the practice used to get diamonds obscene and how I would prefer a moissy.
I did it during jewelry commercials as well. All those a diamond is forever commercials, I would talk about how I would prefer a moissy.
You could also have a friend mention it. Along the lines of, oh I'm buying coastalbee88 a present and then have her drag him along to the store so she can mention what kind of ring you want.
Yes, I would tell him. I wouldn't push it, though, if he wants to get you a more expensive ring that's his decision.
I think you should be able to find a way to let him know that you don't want a crazy expensive ring without pushing him too much on the engagement front.
But, I do sympathize with you. By the end of the week, I hope to bring up the courage to tell my guy that I found the ring I think I want. If he has paid attention at all before now, he already knows that I don't want something expensive and I wasn't sure I even wanted a diamond. (By pay attention, I don't mean that how most women mean it. I mean paid attention when I directly said I didn't want an expensive ring and wouldn't be comfortable wearing two months of his salary on my hand!) :)
Why be so controlling let him buy you the expensive heirloom. Let there be a little piece of romantic
There's nothing wrong with giving him a nudge in the right direction. There's many ways you can bring it up in passing conversation. Ultimately he wants to buy what he thinks you'll love so if you give him a few clues, I'm sure he'll appreciate it!
I would definately recommend you finding a way to just talk to him about what youre comfortable with when it comes to your ring. While it is nice for men to pick it out on their own, a little guidance wouldnt hurt. If you think you would prefer moissy, research it so you can tell him all about it and maybe he will feel comfortable getting that for you and same with price of the ring. I think if you just make it clear without being pushy he would probably appreciate it :) My bf still wants to suprise me with the proposal and all that but I talked to him about wanting a moissy and we decided on a ring together, and I think he is thankful because otherwise he wouldnt have none about moissy
I think it is a pride thing for guys to buy you a nice ring. Everyone always asks to see it and wants all the details. You mentioned you both work in an industry it's kind of expected maybe he WANTS to get you something that he is proud of. I wouldn't say anything and I would let him pick it and surprise you.
If it is an ethical concern of yours I would definitely nudge him in the direction of conflict-free or diamond alternatives.
I also didn't want an expensive ring so i just flat out told him....he was very relieved because his money was low to begin with and he was sweatting on how he was going to buy me an expensive one. LOL It workd out for the best!
My bf is the same way as your bf with the research. Apparently, he has been asking his coworkers and researching to see what is the appropriate size diamond for someone with his salary. I could careless if it's a sapphire or a moissanite. Since I'm not suppose to know that he is ring shopping...I've subtlely hinted here and there how lovely a sapphire ring looks and how it suits us but I've left it at that. My bf is all for surprises and I know that he would've made sure to get the best deal within his budget. // I would hint but not push it. Good luck!
I told FI that if he wanted to get me a ring I didn't want a mined diamond. Can't justify the price - steered him towards Asha. His friend's wife has a moissy so he was very open to the idea.
I've flat our told my BF not to spend a lot of money on a ring. He was relieved! I didn't want to be pushy or anything, so while talking about some of my friends engagement rings (not with my friends there, just the 2 of us) I flat out said it. I've also mentioned that I think gemstones are beautiful. Perhaps the two of you can go ring shopping together?
We shopped together and really its not like he will buy the ring when your there and youll know the engagement is comming. I suggest just drop by jewelry stores look at everything and point out what you like and not. I also suggest you going in before to find out what style you like best on your fingure. I was set on a solitaire bezel setting until I tried on about 20 rings and found something that made me melt even to this day. There are so many women who dont like there rings and have them redesigned its sad. The ring FI would have picked before we shopped was something I would have been extremely upset about and unable to wear everyday.
All this to say shop with him. Let him pick when and how he will propose but just tell him hey if one day you decide to propose Id like for you to have an idea of what Id like (this includes budget).
@coastalbee88: Hi sweetie, you guys' industry sounds a lot like mine - are you by chance lawyers?! To answer your question, IMO you should definitely talk to him about what you want. You don't need to flat out tell him, but definitely drop subtle hints. You can gush over a beautiful [insert type of stone you want here] ring that you saw, or if you don't want a diamond you can mention it like "Jane's diamond ring is pretty but I know I would never want a diamond for myself, I prefer XYZ".
"Open, honesty- that is what a relationship is all about."
Totally agree with this PP.
"Aure (message) October 6, 2012 Las Vegas
Yes, I would tell him. I wouldn't push it, though, if he wants to get you a more expensive ring that's his decision."
Totally disagree. He won't be wearing the ring - YOU will, so why would he want to get you something that you don't want? That doesn't make any sense.
Agree with telling him what you want. It takes a bit of the romance out of it, but in the long run you both will be happiest with a) spending less and b) you having something you love.
I see enough threads on here from women unhappy with what their guys chose that I'm still surprised when people suggest women keep quiet about this stuff.
I just told my FI what I liked. I didn't exactly get it, but I loved it either way.
But if you really want something specific, I dont see why you cant tell him before he buys it. (Just make sure he hasn't bought it yet).
I was in the same situation as you a while back before we got engaged. My advice is to think carefully before you do anything. I did not grow up with a lot of money so I thought that these huge rings were outrageous. Like you we are in a prestigious industry and he is from a wealthier family so he had an idea of what he wanted to get which I thought was wayyyy to much! I delicately told him that I would love something for half of what he was planning and we would then have more money to start our lives afterwards. So he lowered his ring budget and we got a beautiful ring which I love.
Here's the however, now I am surrounded by his sisters and his brothers wives and also people in our industry and my ring which though nice is noticably smaller. It's not a big deal and I don't plan to change it. I'm not saying that you have to fit in with your industry norms but think about how you will feel when people ask to see your ring and expect it to be bigger or whatever and think about being surrounded by people with bigger rings. I never thought for a minute before I got engaged that it would bother me in the least but it does niggle me sometimes. Maybe I am just shallower than I thought! But just something to consider.
While I love my engagement ring, I don't love love love it like some do. I kind of regret not being more involved in picking it out...
So I think you should talk to him now!
Good luck!
"Honey, we have so many big dreams and future plans that I think we should focus our financial resources on that instead of a ring. I'd love it if you got me a less expensive ring so that we can work towards -insert goal here-"."
I would trust that he knows what you like. :) I had this worry with my DH since he turned to his sister for help in picking out my ring and she wouldn't be caught dead in anything that wasn't a high end designer. For example, the stores she took him to were Harry Winston, Tiffanys and Cartier...... yea no, my ring did NOT come from any of those stores. Thank god! Just trust your man knows you!
I would recommend every couple to have this talk. He is not able to read your mind and you might change your preference about YOUR e-ring when you actually try them on.
My DH asked many of his colleagues for advise and they all told him to have the 'ring' talk. For those who wanted to surprise their wives, some of them 'hated' their rings.
Even for me, for the longest time, I thought I wanted round solitaire. However, when my DH asked me to try my current ring, I fell in love with it.
It is one of the biggest purchase in your/his life time. I think you should talk to him.
Maybe you should just kind of bring it up in conversation. I wouldn't say "so I saw the diamond cuts file on your computer and ....." but just kind of in conversation be like "so I was thinknig I think I've always wanted _______ kind of ring." I don't want a diamond necessarily, I've always wanted a sapphire and my boyfriend knows that. So I've showed him some rings that I like and he's going to pick out the one that he likes for me :) Good luck!!
I think it really depends on how much you guys have talked about the proposal and the ring and getting engaged. Some people are different and some men like to surprise with a gigantic diamond. But I think it's ultimately something that should be talked about, I mean if you're thinking about getting married then it's important to know both people's views on what you want whether it's the expense and type of ring, or bigger things later on.
FI and I talked about getting engaged early on but it was only more recently in the last year that we talked about rings. He asked me to send him some rings I liked to see the cut, style, etc. BUT - I think it's important that you're both on the same page. If your industries dictate what type of ring you should have and that's not what either of you want, then bust out of that ideal and go for what makes you both happy.
i told my bf that i wanted a diamond alternative, and he refused. i still ended up with a diamond. but in no way was he offended that i told him!
@coastalbee88: You said your boyfriend has talked to you in the past about how the proposal would be a surprise. That means you have talked about marriage in the past right? I think you could casually mention that someone (anyone) was talking about movies over the past few years and the movie "Blood Diamond" came up.
Simply mention that there's so many speculations about whether a diamond is clean or not that you'd rather go with a diamond alternative (such as a mossanite that came from outer space) or gemstones that have special meanings (like birthstone or favorite color) if you ever got another ring.
At least that's what I'd do :)
My husband learned about the size & style of the ring I wanted by dropping hints. I would comment on someones ring and say I like "this" but not "that." He even listened so closely that he remebered a conversation I had with a friend talking about our ring sizes. So, since he is actively looking, and you drop hints, he will listen to them b/c he wants to get you a ring that you will love.
Keep in mind that the ring is a reflection on him as well. If you are in a status-conscious industry, and you go to one of his work parties or something, and his colleagues see that the ring is well below what he can afford, he may feel bad about that. This may not bother either of you but it's something to think about.
You can and should insure the ring, so you won't have to be terrified to wear it. And I do think it will get smaller as you get used to it!
before our proposal, I had very casually mentioned to my SO a few times that I did not want an expensive ring. also, at my SIL's wedding, I examined her ring in front of him and said (knowing he was listening in) how much I love square cuts. well, he listened kind of.
I ended up with something smaller than I would have chosen for myself. so I really wish I had said "1 carat" or something along those lines. also I ended up with a round stone in an illusion setting so it looks square. bless him, he didn't know I meant I like for the stone to be cut in a square shape. (but I do love my ring, honestly.)
don't be afraid to hint in front of him, and definitely don't expect him to read your mind!
I told my FI numerous times to please not spend a lot. I then got super technical and said no more than $3,000 because I would be embarassed with a huge ring. I also told him quality over quantity, doesn't matter what shape or gold color, just a good diamond. He listened and he still surprised me 100%! Just tell him right now. Say something like you know he loves you and you love him and usually that means a proposal in the next year or so. Tell him no pressure but this is what is on your mind. I knew I'd marry my FI right away after we started dating and started discussing rings and things with him after about 6 months. He proposed after 2 years. Good luck!!!
I agree with all the previous posters you need to find a way to gently add it to the conversations NOW... add it gently but be honest. I know I wouldn't want to have my DH be in debt over a ring, even though I wanted something large-ish we chose a diamond that was a unique cut and clarity so it was MUCH cheaper.
If you don't want a diamond you don't want a diamond and be sure your So knows that
There's no problem letting him know what you want... the ring and proposal will still be a total surprise.
I definately didn't want a diamond- and I made sure that I discussed this with my SO. Not specifically about engagement rings, but in general. I would say that I don't really like diamonds, that I'm more of a gemstone kinda gal.
Talk to his family if you are close to them. I also made sure that his sisters knew exactly what I wanted asfar as stone went and kept hinting to him to ask his sisters for gift ideas...
Before we were married, my husband and I discussed my ring. I gave him a ceiling for how much he should be spending, as we had other financial commitments (like, the wedding!) and he was under the impression that he had to get me something worth tens of thousands of dollars!
He was relieved when we had the conversation and I was over the moon with his decision!
Thanks for all the advice! I think I've decided to be trust his judgment and not say anything unless he asks for my input or an opportunity presents itself in casual conversation. At this point he knows me so well and I'm sure he realizes I don't have expensive tastes in clothes or jewelry. Also there really isn't any way for me to bring it up at this point without messing with the "surprise" aspect, and I think there is a good chance he has already ordered the ring, in which case it's probably too late. To those who asked, the industry he works in is investment banking.
@MrsPom: I'd say if he wants a piece of carbon worth more than the anual salaries of half the planet and I didn't then he can wear it himself! When you buy something for someone else, its more considerate and classy to choose their taste not your own. I say let him know and give him a chance to show how much he respects you and your thoughts, not those of randomers you both work with :)
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My boyfriend has made a big deal out of a proposal being a total surprise. We have not talked about rings even once. This weekend, I saw a file saved to his desktop- I didn't open it, but it was clearly research he had saved on diamond cuts. The thing is, I'm not sure I want a diamond, and I definitely don't want a super expensive ring. I am also totally open to diamond alternatives and other gemstones.
My concern is that we both work in a high paying, prestige-focused industry. I know from my office that expectations about rings in our industry are way more expensive than anything I would ever want. He works so much that if he gets advice from anyone about ring shopping, it will probably be from his colleagues. And their idea of "normal" is anything but that.
I don't know what to do- talking about it at this stage would seem to ruin the surprise he so clearly wants, and could also look pushy- like I'm telling him it doesn't need to cost much so it will happen faster. That's honestly not it- I just have very discrete tastes in jewelry and would be stessed 24/7 about wearing a ring worth more than my car! I also hate the idea of the ring he proposes with not being the ring I wear for life, and I think it would be so hurtful to ask him to return it. But I know the proposal is a big thing for guys and I don't want to overstep. Should I tell him, and how?