(Closed) Should I tell him or NOT!!

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: Should I tell him?
    YES : (45 votes)
    59 %
    NO : (31 votes)
    41 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    1580 posts
    Bumble bee

    Have you talked at all about marriage? I don’t think you should phrase it as giving him a deadline because generally people don’t respond well to that sort of thing, but you should definitely let him know how you feel.

    Another thing to consider- if you never tell him about your deadline and just up and leave in Jan 2011… how will you ever know if maybe he would have proposed in Feb 2011?

    Post # 4
    Member
    631 posts
    Busy bee

    I think you need to tell him:

    “I am ready to get married.  If you are not, then you need to tell me.  If you aren’t able to make a decision by the end of this year, I have to move on, because I want to get married and I can’t spend my life with someone who doesn’t want to marry me.” 

    I think that’s fair and honest.  Tell him you’re not trying to blackmail him into marriage, but you have to live your life and can’t wait forever.

    Good luck! You’ve put in more than enough time and deserve an answer.

    Post # 5
    Member
    6598 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2010

    Have you talked to him about marriage?

    What is his stance?

    I don’t think it is fair to set a deadline for something that he doesn’t even know you are expecting.

    If he does know that you want to get married I still think you should tell him becuase I believe in 100% honesty in a relationship and he needs to know that this is a breaking point for you!

    Good Luck!

    Post # 6
    Member
    1813 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I’m not sure I’d announce it as a deadline, but you also do not want to catch him off guard.  Is there another way to have a serious talk without meantioning an actual date?  Like, “I love you and I want to marry you, but if that isn’t where we are going, I need to move on with my life.”

    Post # 7
    Member
    381 posts
    Helper bee

    I think the basis of any good relationship is open communication.  My “timeline” was 1 year, but I told Mr. Tacos I need to have some sort of commitment by next December (effectively giving him more than 6 months extra).  Mr. Tacos balks at the “timeline” because he insists he wants to marry me, but he knows that I am serious as I want to have a family in the coming years.

    He should know.  it is my feeling that after a year, each person should really know where they want it to go.

    Post # 8
    Member
    7976 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    Rather than giving him an ultimatum, I think you should discuss marriage and your expectations for the relationship between the two of you first, if you haven’t already.

    I do think it’s fair to let him know that you are hoping to marry him, and that you’re not content to date him with no ‘end’ in sight. But unless you’ve already talked about marriage, why and when you (BOTH) want to get married, etc in a rational manner, I don’t think it’s fair to place ultimatums on him. Kind of a broadside, you know?

    Post # 9
    Member
    595 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2010

    I wouldn’t tell him about the deadline, but maybe bring up the topic of where the relationship is going… make it known that you are ready without being too blunt.

    Post # 10
    Member
    1455 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 1969

    LOVE what ChicagoWife said. Say that! I think you should NOT say it as a deadline but open the discussion. If then he says “baby, I will, in a few years” then you can say an idea of your time frame that you’re comfortable with. You both might need to compromise but at least it will be in the open!

    Post # 11
    Member
    293 posts
    Helper bee

    I don’t think ultimatums are ever a good idea.  A rational, open conversation about your future as a couple?  That’s a completely different animal.

    You have been a couple for a long time . . . have the two of you ever discussed marriage?    

     

    Post # 12
    Member
    2781 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    I’m totally with daydreamwanderer on this one. For some men the words “marriage”, “timeline” and “deadline” can just scare them off. And as everyone else said, you may be ready for him to propose but have the two of you discussed marriage? What’s his stance on your relationship? He might be planning something without you knowing or he might think that you’ve both been together for that long that you’ll just continue on in the way you’re doing.

    Post # 13
    Member
    1408 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    My friend was in a similar position with her now husband. When she gave him a deadline, he panicked and they broke up. A month of thinking and realizing he was freaking out over nothing later, he arranged the most romantic proposal, complete with a candlelit table by the fountain where they met for their first date, musicians, etc. While it turned out okay for them, I wouldn’t give a deadline. Follow the advice above- open the topic up to discussion. See how he feels and where is it at on the subject. Let him know you want to get married, and sooner rather then later.

    Post # 14
    Member
    5978 posts
    Bee Keeper

    I agree with the above posters. Have you two talked about marriage at all? I would just let him know that you’re ready. Ask him if he ever thinks he could marry you. His response should help you out a little. But, if you ask the question, you might have to be prepared to hear something you don’t want to hear (maybe that he never wants to get married). In that case, you have a decision to make. Do you want to stay with him and marriage isn’t important, or do you want to find someone who loves you and wants to marry you.

    Post # 15
    Member
    815 posts
    Busy bee

    I would sit down and talk to him and make sure he knows how you feel.  Try to get everything out in the open so you both know how the other feels about marriage.  I don’t think you should tell him that you are going to leave him if he doesn’t propose.  He might take that as a threat.  Let him take in the conversation and come to his own conclusions.  Best of luck to you!

    Post # 16
    Member
    870 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I’m in the same boat. I don’t think there’s really a right answer. I’ve been with my guy 5.5 years now, we’re both turning 30 in the next couple years and although we’ve talked about marriage he’s very cagey about it. One, he’s in school part time right now and working full time so I know that places a lot of pressure on him and he’s put a lot of things on the back burner because of it and two, I think he’s really afraid of commitment. 

    I mean yeah, we’re living together, and have been together for 2 years, but I think the word marriage and the idea of “forever” is hard for him to wrap his head around.

    But this sets up a really difficult situation for me. I know he loves me, and I know he wants to be with me, because he doesn’t want to break up. But he hasn’t proposed and I don’t (didn’t? We had a talk last night…) know when/if he’s going to. So where does that leave me? I could propose to him, and I’ve brought up the idea but he is NOT on board. He can be traditional and wants to be the one to propose. So that’s out.

    But then what? Do I just patiently wait forever? Do I come up with a timeline, like you did and just leave if he doesn’t do it by then? Or do I give him the timeline (or an ultimatum–they’re basically the same thing) and then leave if he doesn’t follow through? None of these are great choices, because in the first case he’ll be blindsided when I leave and I didn’t mention that he was on a timeline, but in the second you’ll never really know if he would have ever proposed on his own–but I haven’t found any alternative. 

    After stewing with the above thoughts for months I just had a talk with him last night. I told him how I felt, he knows I want to get married, but I don’t know if he knew how much waiting without any power in the situation was making me feel. Or how close I was to just giving up on the realtionship because it seemed like we wanted different things from it. He promised me he wouldn’t make me wait forever (I hate that wording by the way–“not waiting forever” might just mean I’ll tell you if I want to break up, not necessarily I promise to propose, and “forever” could mean a year or 5.), that he knew that he didn’t have much time left to do it, and that he had already been thinking about timelines for himself.

    That’s the best I got. It’s good for me because at least I know something is going to happen soon. What really sucked was just waiting with no idea if he was even thinking about it or when it was going to happen. Of course I still don’t have a date, which sucks, but I’m willing to wait a little longer to see what happens.

    I think you just have to decide first for yourself how long you’re willing to wait, and then be upfront with your guy and ask the hard questions. “Do you see marriage in your future”,”do you see yourself getting married to ME”,  and “what kind of timeline did you see this on?” Use the answers to those questions as a basis for making the decision. 

    Sorry about your situation though. I definitely know how you feel.

    The topic ‘Should I tell him or NOT!!’ is closed to new replies.

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