Post # 1
My fiance has always said he doesn’t want to know anything about my past. when i was 19 i did up to 10 photoshoots and filming of lesbian porn. He is not interested in porn and thinks it is weird, so i know he isnt going to come accross it some day. But what if a friend does and tells him? When i did these shoots the internet was no where near as accessible as it is now. All he needs is my screen name and he could find it. I did enjoy it at the time, but i deeply regret it now. am i best to listen to his rule of not wanting to know about the past or should i just let him know. Im not the girl i used to be anymore so should i just leave the past in the past?
Post # 2
Lisajane1990: tell him. A friend of mine used to do stuff but it wasn’t credited so she thought there’s no way people will find out. Turns out a friend of our friend who loves to watch porn found something, told others and it was spread faster than the speed of lightening.
She eventually told her husband and he was livid but later ok because it was in the past.
Bottom line, the world is small, you never know who might come across it.
Post # 3
Lisajane1990: I would be honest about it because it is something that could effect the future
Post # 4
When your past could affect your prrsent/ future full disclosure is the best policy.
Post # 5
Lisajane1990: It might be the past and he might say he doesn’t care and chances are he really doesn’t but I am one of those people who believes that if there is a chance of it affecting your future in anyway, the other person has a right to know. Just explain you want him to know because even though you aren’t the person now that you were then, you feel he deserves full disclosure before you get married…
Post # 6
I guess I’ll go against the grain. If he said he doesn’t want to know anything about your past, then I don’t see why it would even cross your mind to tell him. Just seems like it would be very random. If he found out and threw a fit later, it’s on him as he claimed to not want to know.
Post # 7
Lisajane1990: Im gonna say don’t tell him. Not because it’s a secret, but because he specifically doesn’t want to know about your past. I would be more worried about the fact that he’s ok with leaving details about BOTH of your pasts in the past. I like to know how my partner became who they are and where they have been in life, the good bad and ugly. A guy who just had no interest in my past and\or didn’t share his own would really bother me. But in answer to your question, don’t tell him. If by some chance he does find out I would simply say “I never hid it, but you said you didnt want to know about my past, so I respected what you wanted.” Not telling him because he simply doesn’t want to know isn’t the same as hiding it from him on purpose.
Post # 8
Lisajane1990: Tell him ‘n tell him soon! We all have a chapter in our life that we would much rather delete, but fact is we can’t, so don’t knock yourself down for being human!!!! Something of that nature would sound much better coming from you than from someone else.
Post # 9
Lisajane1990: I have a feeling when your FI spoke about not wanting to know about your past, he was referring to past boyfriends and your sex life.
Making porn does’t fall into that category. This is something that can and most likely will come to his attention at some point or the other and its best if he finds out from you, now, rather than be blindsided by it later.
Also, he deserves to know who he’s marrying – to make a fully informed choice. At a minimum, you don’t want to go into marriage with a big secret just waiting to be exposed hanging over your head.
Post # 10
Lisajane1990: YOUR past is yours. It’s not your present and you said yourself it isn’t who you are anymore. Don’t lie if he asks you something about your past and you know you should say, but you don’t have to bring it up yourself in anyway. He knows who he is marrying because he met you when you were already done with this past, so he already is fully informed of who you, your present self, are.
Post # 11
Zhabeego: This exactly.
Also this could also affect your furture children. It would be better that he knows now so if that does happen you can both be on the same page as to what you tell them.
Post # 12
therealbee: I’m sorry, but I think that’s terrible advise and a terrible perspective.
If I found out today my husband had, say, robbed a bank, stabbed someone in a bar fight, or made porn before I married him, it would come as quite a shock and possibly change my perception of him. I would also feel he had deliberately concealed this information from me in an attempt to deceive me and that, more than anything else, would shake my trust in him.
I could get past a youthful mistake. I would have a much harder time knowing someone I placed explicit trust in had intentionally deceived me today.
Everyone has a right to some privacy. My husband and I never discussed our past relationships in any detail – its irrelevant. But some things aren’t private and are relevant and the OP’s secret falls well into that category. Not to mention its out there and can be discovered at any time by anyone.
Her FI deserves the truth. Even if you disagree with that, it would be incredibly foolish for the OP to proceed in the relationship and just hope it never comes out. It almost certainly will and the truth will be far more damaging to the relationship if it is revealed by anyone other than the OP.
Post # 13
Thank you so much everyone for your advice. I know in my heart I should tell him before we get married. I also know it will break his heart when I tell him. I don’t want him to find out another way and I sense it won’t be long until theres an app where you can take a picture and find ‘pictures like that’ on the web etc… Now I just need some balls to do it, and enough money to fly home when he leaves me 🙁
Post # 14
Zhabeego: I understand what you mean and of course if it were something as important as robbing a bank or having some criminal background like killing someone well I completely agree the person you are marrying deserves to know. But in her case, from what she is saying it is a youthful mistake…and she has lived as this new person she is, when she met her husband so why should she have to share something that she isn’t proud about to her husband that doesn’t want to know about her past anyway ?
Like I said, if he asks about anything about her past then she must bring it up, as she shouldn’t lie. Yes, telling the truth is always better than not saying it. In her shoes, I would say it. But I also think it is up to her to decide of sharing her past or not because she is a totally different person today and she shouldn’t be seen differently because of her mistakes. That’s what I want you to know OP.
Edited for typos.
Post # 15
Lisajane1990: I think you should listen to your gut, which rightly tells you he should know before you marry.
if he loves you he’ll get over it! You regret it terribly, it’s not you anymore. If he doesnt, then he’s not loyal enough to marry anyway. hey atleast it was lesbian porn not a gangbang or something. I think the lesbian porn will somehow be less of a blow to his ego. Good luck