Should I tell my fiance about my past

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
357 posts
Helper bee

Lisajane1990:  tell him. A friend of mine used to do stuff but it wasn’t credited so she thought there’s no way people will find out. Turns out a friend of our friend who loves to watch porn found something, told others and it was spread faster than the speed of lightening.

She eventually told her husband and he was livid but later ok because it was in the past. 

Bottom line, the world is small, you never know who might come across it. 

Post # 3
3618 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Lisajane1990:  I would be honest about it because it is something that could effect the future 


Post # 4
1627 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

When your past could affect your prrsent/ future full disclosure is the best policy.


Post # 5
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Lisajane1990:  It might be the past and he might say he doesn’t care and chances are he really doesn’t but I am one of those people who believes that if there is a chance of it affecting your future in anyway, the other person has a right to know. Just explain you want him to know because even though you aren’t the person now that you were then, you feel he deserves full disclosure before you get married…

Post # 6
4072 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I guess I’ll go against the grain. If he said he doesn’t want to know anything about your past, then I don’t see why it would even cross your mind to tell him. Just seems like it would be very random. If he found out and threw a fit later, it’s on him as he claimed to not want to know.

Post # 7
5968 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017


Lisajane1990:  Im gonna say don’t tell him. Not because it’s a secret, but because he specifically doesn’t want to know about your past. I would be more worried about the fact that he’s ok with leaving details about BOTH of your pasts in the past. I like to know how my partner became who they are and where they have been in life, the good bad and ugly.  A guy who just had no interest in my past and\or didn’t share his own would really bother me. But in answer to your question, don’t tell him. If by some chance he does find out I would simply say “I never hid it, but you said you didnt want to know about my past, so I respected what you wanted.” Not telling him because he simply doesn’t want to know isn’t the same as hiding it from him on purpose.

Post # 8
1029 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

Lisajane1990:  Tell him ‘n tell him soon! We all have a chapter in our life that we would much rather delete,  but fact is we can’t, so don’t knock yourself down for being human!!!! Something of that nature would sound much better coming from you than from someone else.   

Post # 9
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Lisajane1990:  I have a feeling when your FI spoke about not wanting to know about your past, he was referring to past boyfriends and your sex life.  

Making porn does’t fall into that category.  This is something that can and most likely will come to his attention at some point or the other and its best if he finds out from you, now, rather than be blindsided by it later.  

Also, he deserves to know who he’s marrying – to make a fully informed choice.  At a minimum, you don’t want to go into marriage with a big secret just waiting to be exposed hanging over your head.  

Tell him.

Post # 10
157 posts
Blushing bee

Lisajane1990:  YOUR past is yours. It’s not your present and you said yourself it isn’t who you are anymore. Don’t lie if he asks you something about your past and you know you should say, but you don’t have to bring it up yourself in anyway. He knows who he is marrying because he met you when you were already done with this past, so he already is fully informed of who you, your present self, are.

Post # 11
7286 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Zhabeego:  This exactly. 

Also this could also affect your furture children. It would be better that he knows now so if that does happen you can both be on the same page as to what you tell them.

Post # 12
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

therealbee:  I’m sorry, but I think that’s terrible advise and a terrible perspective.  

If I found out today my husband had, say, robbed a bank, stabbed someone in a bar fight, or made porn before I married him, it would come as quite a shock and possibly change my perception of him.  I would also feel he had deliberately concealed this information from me in an attempt to deceive me and that, more than anything else, would shake my trust in him.

I could get past a youthful mistake.  I would have a much harder time knowing someone I placed explicit trust in had intentionally deceived me today.  

Everyone has a right to some privacy.  My husband and I never discussed our past relationships in any detail – its irrelevant.  But some things aren’t private and are relevant and the OP’s secret falls well into that category.  Not to mention its out there and can be discovered at any time by anyone.  

Her FI deserves the truth.  Even if you disagree with that, it would be incredibly foolish for the OP to proceed in the relationship and just hope it never comes out.  It almost certainly will and the truth will be far more damaging to the relationship if it is revealed by anyone other than the OP.  

Post # 14
157 posts
Blushing bee

Zhabeego:  I understand what you mean and of course if it were something as important as robbing a bank or having some criminal background like killing someone well I completely agree the person you are marrying deserves to know. But in her case, from what she is saying it is a youthful mistake…and she has lived as this new person she is, when she met her husband so why should she have to share something that she isn’t proud about to her husband that doesn’t want to know about her past anyway ?

Like I said, if he asks about anything about her past then she must bring it up, as she shouldn’t lie. Yes, telling the truth is always better than not saying it. In her shoes, I would say it. But I also think it is up to her to decide of sharing her past or not because she is a totally different person today and she shouldn’t be seen differently because of her mistakes. That’s what I want you to know OP.

Edited for typos.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by  therealbee.
Post # 15
7915 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Lisajane1990:  I think you should listen to your gut, which rightly tells you he should know before you marry.

if he loves you he’ll get over it! You regret it terribly, it’s not you anymore. If he doesnt, then he’s not loyal enough to marry anyway. hey atleast it was lesbian porn not a gangbang or something. I think the lesbian porn will somehow be less of a blow to his ego. Good luck 

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