Post # 2
MrsHistory-Bee: If she’s just been through a break up her head is probably in a few different places as things have obviously changed quite quickly for her. I agree with you that it would be courteous of her to let you know if she has changed her mind about City C so you can move on with your own plans but it probably is the truth that it’s something she is considering at the moment if City A etc. doesn’t work out and there is nothing more concrete she can tell you right now. So I wouldn’t go making plans around her, make them to suit yourself and if she can slot into them later once she’s made her mind up great, if not then that’s how it goes. As for the comfort zone stuff that’s not really territory I would get into, it’s her choice what she does.
Post # 3
Where I live it takes a good amount of time to find a place, and that’s with already knowing exactly what you’re looking for. Not knowing what you can afford or how many rooms you should look for would make apartment hunting literally impossible. For that reason, I would be bothered if someone wasn’t straight forward with me.
It sounds to me like she has commitment issues and maybe doesn’t realize that it’s having an impact on your planning. She might just want to have all options open to her. Have you explicitly told her that she’s holding you up? Or maybe give her a drop dead date so that she knows when she needs to commit by?
Post # 1
So in an effort to keep this as uncomplicated as possible I will give you all the short story and answer questions as they come.
I have a really good friend..best friend matter of fact and we have talked about us moving in together when my lease is up in a few months. Recently she has decided to move in with a family member that is about an hour away from a big city (lets call this city “A”). She is only moving temporarily (sort of like an extended vacation) for a change in scenery as she is dealing with an abrupt breakup and being an adult living at home has taken a toll. While I do believe this break from home is well warranted I can’t help but feel a little upset in the fact that we litterally just started talking seriously about her moving to where I am. Because I was feeling this way I asked her how long she was planning on staying with the family member in city “A” and if she was still interested in our plan; city “C.” She said yes if things didn’t work out after trying to look for career level work for a month. I was satisfied with the answer because that is all I wanted to know. Skip to a couple days later she is talking about the move and job searching and mentions that she will also be looking in to another city (city “B”) for jobs as well. That is where my disappointment is now. I don’t live off in Timbuktu, it is a pretty metropolitan area very similar to the city “B” that she will be job searching in addition to city “A.”
If she has changed her mind about moving with me that is her perrogative and I won’t be mad. But I feel like she should have the balls to just say “hey us moving together just isn’t a priority right now/anymore” or “I am concerned about moving with you because of x,y, and z.” Instead she is just all talk about her possibly moving here , but not making any moves (job hunting) towards that end. Of course I can just infer that she isn’t going to move, but I feel I shouldn’t have to. Just tell me, it won’t hurt, we won’t stop being good friends. There litterally will not be any reprocussions and as a good friend I would think/hope she knew this already. O just need to know for planning purposes. So my question is should I mention this to her or say nothing? And any any case what is your opinion: should she let me know she isn’t really considering the move here or do you feel she thinks her actions speak for themselves.
Honestly I just feel like she is avoiding going out of her comfort zone by not moving to city “C” into a place with me. Not that city “B” is her comfort zone, she has no family of friends there (however it is where the ex bf lives–her wanting to move there for that reason is an issue within itself), but it is our home state. My friend has a tendency to be afraid of change and have new surroundings and unless everything is handed to her she doesn’t know how to act. I say why limit yourself especially considering she hasn’t had a real job in her major since she graduated from college (a couple years a go now.) What is it going to hurt ultimately to apply to jobs in all three places.
Post # 4
Lollybags: Thanks, I just didn’t want to have to bring up the subject again since I just asked her and don’t want to sound like I’m begging or desperate. And as far as comfort zones go. I only mentioned that because I have watched her apprehension about applying for jobs in cities other than our home town. And it just feels like now that she has gotten her courage up that it maybe for the wrong reasons (chasing after the ex). Now having said that I don’t disapprove of the ex, matter of fact it would be awesome if they got back together, I mean I liked the guy. But to make plans to be in the city of your ex and possibly never getting back together. I am pesimisstic for her on that decision and concerned about her motives in moving and choosing city “B” in the first place.
pinkkillersheep: Well a few days ago I let her know that I wanted to seriously start looking and that I wouldn’t be moving till summer, but now was the time to find a place. But, no I haven’t just come out and said “hey I need to know if you are truly interested and making plans to possibly move here.” To be honest I think it is because I am afraid of the answer because as soon as I get serious like that she’ll do this “oh well if you need to know now then maybe just count me out because I don’t really know what I’ll be doing.” Which is sort of a lie. She is making plan “a” and “b” routes, just not plan “c” routes. What I am looking for is a flat “no” or the action required to have city “c” as a possibility.
Post # 5
MrsHistory-Bee: why do you think she owes you an explanation for looking into different cities and not just your own city. What if she’s just trying to cast a bigger net and see where she lands?
You are right, moving in with you is not her priority now. Her priorirty is concentrating on her well being. Her world doesn’t revolved around you, you know?
Post # 6
Hi Barely_Blush thanks for your response.<br />I see what you are saying, but I have to disagree to a certain point. Maybe you misunderstood me. I was a little frustrated because we had discussed moving in together, but as her plans start to unfold she makes no mention of looking for jobs here. If plans are being made, I am saying that she should as common courtesy address that aspect of her moving here. The other cities she is looking at are great places to be and I wish her well, (I mean why wouldn’t I she is my best friend). I would have just liked some type of notice instead of me having to make assumptions and inferring from our recent conversations that she is no longer interested. It is sort of like beating around the bush…just come out and nix our original idea of moving in together. Or if my city is still an option but not a high-ranking one, she could let me know that too. I just think it is a little inconsiderate when we had already started looking at places to ignore the original plans all together.
Basically to answer your questions, if I haven’t already:
-I’m not looking for an explanation as to why she is looking in to different cities. I want an answer as to whether my city is even being looked at as a possibility at all. (which it doesn’t seem like it is)
-I didn’t ever think of us moving in together as a priority of hers or mine. I am/was trying to say that I am concerned with the haste in which she is making decisions. As a friend even if we had never talked about moving in together, her plans don’t seem all the way planned out. Do I hope her move works out…ABSOLUTELY, but am I concerned for the shorter-long term aspects of it, YES.