Post # 1
My SO and I are good friends with another couple (lets call them Andrew and Lisa). SO and Andrew have been friends since they were like 4 or something and through them I have become pretty good friends with Lisa. Anrew and Lisa have been together for over 10 years (since they were 15) and are engaged set to get married in November.
SO recently told me that he found out about Andrew’s infidelity. Apparently he has cheated several times with multiple women during his and Lisa`s relationship. The most recent, according to SO was in June when he went away for a trip. ANdrew claims that his infidelity was due to being immature and not knowing what he really wants. He claims they were huge mistakes that he regrets deeply. Apparently he has realized that he wants Lisa and vows to “grow up” and be faithful to her and that he really loves her. He made SO promise not to tell anyone and definitely not Lisa and that he doesn’t want to lose her and that it would only hurt her and that he’s never going to do it again.
SO told me anyway, knowing that I was close to Lisa. And I want to tell her. In full disclosure I’ve never really liked Andrew and didn’t really understand how SO and Andrew were such close friends. I’ve always thouht he was extremely immature and a jerk. Heck I don’t even know what Lisa sees in him. Lisa is like the sweetest, gentlest, kindest person I’ve ever met and he doesn’t really deserve her imo. I feel Lisa has a right t know before she marries him and I just know that if SO was cheating me, I would want to know and don’t see any reason to protect his ass. SO says if I tell Lisa, Andrew would never forgive him and it isn’t really any of our business. He even defended him saying that Andrew really wasn’t a bad person and he was just immature and messes up a lot. He also said that it would really hurt Lisa and break her heart and that there would be no point if he never does it again. He says that is he finds out Andrew cheated again THEN maybe we should tell Lisa, but that Andrew really convinced him that he was done with his infidelity and he sees no point of ruining so many relationships. I think this is bull, if he has already cheating multiple times, he’ll obviously do it again and we should make sure she knows before she marries him.
I just want to hear the bees opinion on this. Should I tell Lisa or not?
Post # 2
Nope, and shame on your SO for taking what his friend told him in confidence and passing it along.
Post # 3
- Wedding: June 2015 - Dreams Las Mareas - Costa Rica
no no no…. stay out of it. You and your SO will have many problems if he falls out with his friend andrew… he will resent losing his friendship because you couldnt keep a secret that he told you in confidence.
this can really get bad
pillow talk is pillow talk… it stays there!
Post # 4
Chocolateprincess: I’d tell Lisa. My guiding principle is if you are close to the person being cheated on, you tell them what you know.
But it’s hard to avoid Andrew finding out that the information came through you, so don’t expect Andrew to like you after this.
Post # 5
- Wedding: July 2015 - Golf Course
Is there any way you could try and tell her anonymously? Maybe make up a throw away email account or something? I totally understand where you’re coming from wanting to tell her, as she might be getting into a marriage under false pretenses, but I feel like it isn’t worth causing a huge rift between you and your SO if he were to find out that you went against his wishes and told her.
Post # 7
aussiemum1248: haha I gve 0 care if Andrew likes me but he’s SO’s best friend. I’m a bridesmaid in their wedding and there’s no way I’ll feel comfortable with going through being a bridemaid knowing what I know now. I couldn’t talk to her without thinking of what SO told me. uggh. I just wish he didn’t tell me if he was going to say I couldn’t tell her.
Post # 8
Chocolateprincess: How did your SO find out? Did Andrew just volunteer the information, or was it because SO noticed something?
Post # 9
If it was me I would start worrying about what else my SO had been blabbing about to other people since he is such a gossip. It’s quite possible that other’s like Andrew know all your dirty little secrets and might be inclined to start blabbing them about too. Someone who can’t keep a confidence is no one to trust.
Post # 10
Because you do not have FIRSTHAND knowledge of this situation, you cannot tell Lisa that Andrew cheated.
HOWEVER, because you are so close to her, I think you CAN approach her with a spirit of concern and tell her that someone YOU trust has told you that Andrew cheated, and that you wanted her to be aware of what someone said to you.
Although Lisa likely wil realize that this information came from your SO, you do not need to reveal your source to her. She can decide whether or not she wants to confront her FI about the situation.
Post # 11
aussiemum1248: SO was pretty suspicious due to some of his behaviour and he kinda confronted him about some of his behaviour and Andrew confessed to everything. How Lisa has not found out, if Andrew is apparently that obvious, I do not know. She’s a pretty trusting person though so she’s probably never noticed.
j_jaye: haha well he’s known since June and says he felt wierd holding it all in especially as the date came closer. He tells me everything mostly. I hope he’s not telling all my secrets to people. I’m pretty sure I can trust him though. I havent really done anything nearly that scandalous though lol.
Post # 12
Chocolateprincess: The decision to tell should be one that you are your SO make together. If you tell Lisa and its destroys SO’s relationship with Andrew he may resent you. Unless I had SO’s support I would keep my mouth shut.
Post # 13
Chocolateprincess: I was “hoping” for an answer like that. Because then perhaps you can tell Lisa the things SO noticed, without divulging the conversation between SO and Andrew.
FutureMrs.Cammack: I understand what you are saying. But would I not help a dear friend just because my husband didn’t want to get involved? It’s a hard one.
Post # 14
Chocolateprincess: yikes! I really don’t like how other bees are flaming YOUR SO. I believe in 100% openness in my relationship and frankly, I tell my SO everything. That doesn’t mean I’m a babble mouth and gossiper, but he’s the person I bounce crap off of, and vice versa. There is nothing wrong with that and shame on everyone here who judges that, each relationship and it’s level if openness is different.
That being said, I personally would have a girl’s night out with Lisa, and casually bring up a what-if scenario. If she indicated to me that she absolutely would want to know, I damn well would tell her. I agree with you, the guy sounds like a serial cheater. Furthermore, if you keep your mouth shut, what will she think when she does find out (possibly years from now) once she’s wasted the best years of her life on this douchebag, had kids with him, etc.? How do you think she will feel then, when she’s emotionally drained, she’s tied to him with kids, and she’s getting too old to find someone who will treat her the way she deserves?
All this self-righteous bullshit talk from everyone on here is very nice and self-serving but at the end of the day, a good friend looks out for his/her friends. Perhaps that is why (even on a subconscious level) your FI felt the need to tell you.
Post # 15
aussiemum1248: It absolutely is! It would be ideal if SO shares OP’s feelings about the infidelity and could see past his relationship with his friend and at the very least understand why OP feels so strongly about telling the truth. I do not envy this situation that’s for sure.