Post # 1
This year is our frist birthday’s together. My birthday happend to be on Fathers day (he has children) and he had to work. Okay, that’s fine, I get that. However, When he wants to spend time on the lake with his friends he either leaves work early or doesn’t go. He had nothing planned for me and just came over and watched tv at my house. My mom was going to take me out to dinner but we changed it to breakfast because he said he had plans to take me out. I knew he really didn’t, and I was right. I was so hurt. I got baseball tickets and invited him and his child but he said that he couldn’t get out of work early enough (though he leaves early any other time he pleases) He got me a present but it hurt that he didn’t want to do anyting special for me. It even hurts to this day. Later in the week he took me out to dinner (because I told him and I had a coupon and my mom gave him a gift card there for xmas…so he ended up paying a whopping $10!!) His birthday is coming up and I got him some nice presents and I was going to take him out for a nice dinner and buy him cannoli’s since he’s never had them before. I’m starting to contimplate whether I should even bother since my birthday was just another day to him. I do these things because he’s so special to me and I want to but deep down I feel like why should I be spending all this money and doing all these cute, loving things when he didn’t care to do anything for me? He could have just cooked me dinner,rented a movie, something romantic, Came to the baseball game I got tickets to, anything!! He says he doesn’t care about birthday’s so will he even appreciate it? Should I just get over the fact that my birthday isn’t important enough and do this because I want to? I know relationships aren’t tit for tat but i’m just hurt.
Post # 3
I think every family has different traditions about birthdays. I was talking to a friend of mine who said he was SO glad his wifes b-day was before his, because she went all out (cake first thing in the morning, singing, breakfast, confetti, etc. etc.). In his family somebody might tell you happy birthday, and someone might not. Fortunately, his was first so he knew what she was expecting for her birthday.
Have you talked to you SO about your feelings about this? He might now know what you were hoping he’d do or how you feel about it.
Post # 4
@JazzyGirl: This is kind of a tough one. Is he considerate and a good, thoughtful bf otherwise?
I had a situation JUST like this w. my ex… and it ended badly. The way he treated my birthday was generally how he viewed our relationship. It was just crappy.
Yeah I wouldn’t bother as much w. his bday as you normally would. I would however have a chat w. him about how much it hurt you what happened last year. If he’s a good, loving guy otherwise then maybe he is totally clueless about how important birthdays are to you, I don’t know.
Post # 5
Do you think he would like those things? If so, you should do it! It will hopefully show him what birthdays mean to you. It’s hard not to be bitter if you’ve been dissapointed, but I would take this as a chance to communicate and make your relationship better.
Post # 6
@canarydiamond: I told him how much it hurt me but I don’t think he really gets why. He is normally very thoughtful but when it comes to holidays, we haven’t spend a single one together and that is why I was even more hurt. I wanted to spend my bday with him. He said that next year he would make up for it and I’ll have an awesome bday. We’ll see.
@MsCarabiner: I think this has a lot to do with it. Eventhough he was an only child, his mom never did anything for his bday’s. My mom was going crazy this year because this is the first time in 27 years she didn’t get me a cake and she felt bad! lol. We never did anything extravagent but she is always excited for my bday.
@AlwaysSunny: I got him a few meaningful gifts, nothing expensive that he’ll really like and I can’t wait to give them to him. I just don’t know if I want to spend money on an expensive dinner. I found a living social deal and we don’t go to nice dinners (we’re more a pub and darts type of couple) so I scooped it up bc I wanted to be able to have a nice meal together. I’m excited, I just wonder if I should even bother bc he said he hasn’t done anything for his bday in five years and that they aren’t anything special.
Post # 7
Sounds like you are already harboring resentment towards him and I don’t blame you. I’m the kind of person that really treasures going all out for someone and I really appreciate it in return. He just doesn’t sound like the type of person who places a lot of emphasis on holidays and if this is the first one you’ve spent together it probably isn’t going to get better. People tend to go all out on the first holidays you spend together. If you have already said something and he doesn’t seem to care or understand then maybe that’s just something you are going to have to do without if he is really the man you want to be with.
Post # 8
I would definitely not do less for his birthday to get back at him. I always feel like the best way to communicate what I want/need is to do it for my husband. If I start to feel that he isn’t complimenting me as much as I’d like, I make an effort to compliment him more. If I start to feel like he’s taking advantage/be unappreciateive of some of the things I do for him, I make sure I tell him extra how much I appreciate what he does for me. Etc. Almost always when I step up my game he reciprocates. The few times it hasn’t worked I wait a while then gently talk to him about how ____ is important to me and doesn’t it make him feel nice when I do the same?
I think you should treat his birthday the way you want yours to be treated. Maybe it’ll be a big clue to him of how to act next time!
Post # 9
I would strongly encourage you to talk with your FH and explain your feelings and provide some examples of what would’ve been nice ways to celebrate. I think as women sometimes we assume that males understand what we are feeling and what we are trying to say when in fact they are thinking that our explanation is too vague. My husband will say “just tell me what you want me to do.” Me – “I don’t want to have to TELL you what to do, I want you to WANT to do it for me.” how stupid is this argument, I guess men are from mars…anyway, I think you could use this as a great way to have an open, honest discussion with your FH and create your own traditions for celebrating birthdays! Maybe if you position the discussion about making your own birthday traditions and not what he didn’t do, maybe it will be better received. Best wishes!
Post # 10
If he is normally a really nice and thoughtful guy in daily life and sucks at holidays, it is probably just the way he celebrates holidays. It took me several long-term relationships to figure that out. I would go all out for birthdays, Christmas and the like and never got the excited responses I hoped for, nor did I get anything near as special in return. I planned parties, searched for that perfect (and often expensive) gift – and always felt let down. You see, to folks like us, holidays are a great excuse to shower our loved ones with “goodies” and an opportunity to show how very much we care and how special that person means to us.And every once and a while, we wish someone did the same for US.
BUT IT DOESN’T MEAN THE SAME THING TO “THEM”. To some folks gifts are just gifts – nice, but gifts are “expected”at holidays. Obligatory celebrations.
So what to do? Well I learned to cut back – why spend all that money, time and effort if it’s not appreciated? I may give a nice card, or take him out for dinner or give him A nice gift – but this girl has finally learned – no more knocking myself out when it’s not appreciated!
Post # 11
This seems like it could backfire on you emotionally. Anytime I’ve done anything like this to my SO (got upset and tried to treat him the same way in regards to birthdays or something similar) it has never gone the way I hoped it would. I always think “okay, so if I do this to him, he will see how bad it sucks and not do that again”. Well, if he didn’t think it was such a big deal the first time around, and then I do the same thing… I think that just solidifies the message that it’s not such a big deal. Which makes me even more upset/angry than I already was. Just something to think about. Perhaps you can use his birthday as a way to show him what your expectations for birthdays are.
Post # 12
i will say guys dont know when it comes to gifts. last year my husband would not have known what to get me if it wasnt for me telling him what i wanted ! he had to ask me what size clothes to buy, as he ordered online and i sat in another room. i am pregnant and for fathers day i got him a card, nothing special but its the thought that counts. when it came to mothers day he didnt even say anything. my birthday last year i didnt get anything. he works alot, but still a card is nice to know that he is atleast thinking about me. didnt even get that. honestly some guys just dont know, or just dont have the time. i dont really have any advice because if you do say something my husband would be like “i try” or “i dont have the time” or “im sorry what i do or dont do isnt good enough”
Post # 13
This whole situation is throwing up warning flags for me. He didn’t do anything special for your birthday so now you’re considering scratching your plans for his birthday, just to spite him? We don’t buy our SO’s presents and take them out just because they did the same for us – we do it because we love them and we want to celebrate them! True, I would be upset too if my SO not only didn’t do anything special for my birthday but also said he was going to and then didn’t (!!) but it sounds like you did a great thing by telling him how you were feeling and he knows that you were hurt and upset.
He’s promised that next year will make up for it and I’m thinking you should give him a chance. You said he wasn’t brought up celebrating birthdays so it’s not like it was completely out of the blue that he didn’t do anything special for yours. Give him a second chance, and show him how amazing birthdays can be by having a great day planned for his.
Post # 14
My husband and I love each other to pieces, but neither of us really do the birthday thing. It’s how we were brought up, once you’re not a kid anymore it’s not as big a deal to us. If he’s otherwise thoughtful and attentive I would drop it.
Post # 15
EDIT: Sorry I didn’t see your comment about having talked to him about how it made you feel at first.
I understand that this is a difficult situation for you. It is always disappointing when the person you love does not meet your expectations. That being said, please keep in mind there is a big difference between disappointing someone because you were not aware of the person’s expectations and intentionally withholding affection/attention out of spite. I am not saying that is what you are doing, but it’s something you may want to think about.
There are a million factors that could have played a role in why he acted the way he did on your birthday (Length of time you had been dating, how he was raised etc.). You’ll never know for sure unless you talk to him. I would recommend that you talk to your SO about what his expectations are for celebrating his birthday.
He can’t go back and change what happened on your birthday and it sounds like he knows you were hurt is doing everything possible to not make the same mistake next time. I don’t mean to sound insensitive but at a certain point you just have to make a choice to get over it and move forward or let the person go if you can’t. It is not fair to try to continue to punish someone that is not how adult relationships work (I apologize if that sounds harsh).
Hope it all works itself out and the two of you are able to have a wonderful time celebrating his birthday.
Post # 16
@JazzyGirl: If you don’t share your expectations there is no way your SO can live up to them. It sounds like you’ve talked but you need to reenforce the message by treating him how you want to be treated for this upcoming birthday.
That being said, I went back and read your previous posts and… Are you waiting for the right reason? You say your relationship is great but only if you don’t speak your mind. And your only posts have been complaints about his behavior (many of us complain but we also gush about why our SOs are wonderful). I’m not trying to rag on you or your SO I just want to know why he is the one.