(Closed) Should I try to get future-in-laws more involved?

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

Have you talked to your fiance about including his family in the wedding more? Even suggesting doing the unity candle or asking his mom if she would like to select some songs for first dances could be useful. I’m not close to my in-laws but I at least reached out to ask my sister-in-law if she would sign our marriage license and I asked his mom if she would like to pick out some of the music (like the mother/son dance).


Those are small gestures, but they work well because they don’t obligate his parents to do anything big if they don’t want to (i.e., his mom may not be interested in planning a wedding shower, being a bridesmaid, etc., because of all of the work involved). Tasks like that are small enough that they’re a kind outward gesture to include his family, and they’re easily done by those asked.


By all means, discuss your thought process with him ahead of time and ask if he minds if you ask them if they’d like to do a particular task.

Post # 4
2376 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Every family dynamic is different.  You don’t want to be that crazy pushy wife that tries to change how their family operates.  It really isn’t your place to try and invite them into the planning.  And keep in mind just because they’re not mushy, attached at the hip people, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other, and it doesn’t meant they’re not close.  Not everyone family likes having constant contact.

Post # 5
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Be careful about this one…there are a lot more brides out there who wish their ILs were LESS involved because they have opinions on and want their way on everything! Probably a blessing in disguise that his parents aren’t like that. It sounds like he and his parents are pretty comfortable with things the way they are. I agree with @MariContrary: that just because it’s not what your used to with your family dynamic doesn’t make their way wrong. You could ask for their opinion on some specific things, like music for the mother/son dance, what style corsage his mom wants if you’re doing that, etc. But if you push for their opinions and involvement and then you don’t like their ideas you’ll be in a rough spot.I would probably just leave it be.

Post # 7
2376 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@Wonderstruck:  Asking for opinions for the mother/son dance songs and the corsages is a good idea!  And yeah, totally agree that if you don’t like their opinions, you may regret asking!

And as far as closeness without talking goes, I’m a total Daddy’s girl, and I admit to it happily!  We don’t talk on the phone except during football season for more than 2 minutes at a time.  They’re in a different state, so I see them maybe once every other month.  But we know how we feel about each other.  We’re not gushy, emotional people outwardly.  Some things just don’t need to be said, you know?  The fact that they said they now consider you family is a big deal 🙂  You’re in and they like you.

Post # 8
249 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@MariContrary:  <<< YUP YUP YUP THIS ONE


@sweet5k: if family is as important to you as it sounds like it is, you will probably want to open up communication a little more with your Fiance about what role you will let both your and his families play in your future… from your question about whether or not to involve his family more it sounds as though you two may not have discussed this idea enough to be on the same page.  not to say you are clearly incompatible, but it sounds like you have different expectations about what the role of family is in your lives.  you will be each other’s family soon and similar expectations will help you be a team.

Post # 10
2550 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013


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