Post # 1
I have been with my fiance for 6 years. I love him but he has a flaw I don’t think I can live with. He is fianancially irresponsible with his money. He doesn’t make a lot but he makes more than I do. He is in the military and his only bills are his cell, hulu and netflix. He doesn’t have a car, rent or any expenses like that. I knew before the military he was irresponsible but he made a lot less. I thought his small paycheck was the problem. However I have noticed with every promotion and pay increase he manages to continue to spend double what he makes. He is living beyond his limits.
I on the other hand make less than him have rent, phone bill, my car is paid off full but I still keep up with gas and maintenance, I save a lot of money and I enjoy life as well. I am 23 years old, currently work full time, and I’m at a position in my life where I am looking to buy a home. I hope to do this in a year but I can’t do it with him and his bad credit.
He asked me to marry him over a year ago and has cancelled the date numerous times. Some beacuse the military had other plans but some because he couldn’t make the commitment. At this point I’m pretty much fed up. I know I would marry a poor man who is responsible with his money but I am realizing this is not the case with him. The more money he has the more he spends.
I even tried to start an account with him where we would contribute $200 each paycheck fpr a year and a half to have money to furnish our home when we live together and the necessities. Not once did he make the payment on time. And when it was put in it was never the $200 it was much less. He had an excuse each paycheck. One day he came to me saying he needed to take money out of that account which at the time all of it was mine. He said he wanted to take money out of there instead of his own savings. I told him no to use his own savings. Come to find out he was flat out broke and in debt. And he wanted my money. In the end I removed my money and gave up on that dream.
I’ve tried talking to him about it. Tried helping him. He allowed me to set him up with mint.com to help him but he couldn’t stop himself from swiping the cards. I am thinking about ending it. Its hard to walk away from 6 years but there is no light at the end of this tunnell. He overdrafts every day. I can’t imagine a life with him anymore not with this issue. I’m not rich and I don’t think I ever will be but I want to live comfortably and I think walking away is the smart thing to do. I just want to see if anyone else has done this and been through this. I need some guidance or maybe advice to solutions I haven’t tried. Thanks for the help.
Post # 3
@so37jd: That would worry me as well. Have you ever talked to him about it? Has he ever tried to change his money habits?
Post # 4
I would walk away rather than stay and hope. It doesn’t sound like it’s going to get better. Maybe you leaving will be the wake up call he needs
Post # 5
Financials are one of the most common reasons for arguments and divorce. His issues, on top of him pushing the date because he can’t committ would seal the deal for me to walk away. You’re young, don’t settle!
Post # 6
@so37jd: Honestly if money is an issue now it will only get worse once you’re married and have children. The number one thing couples fight about is finances. My SO and I bought a house two and half years ago, six months after we bought our home we were both laid off. We went through our savings staying afloat and honestly that time period almost ended our relationship. The stress of having to struggle financially and not having enough to pay bills is exhausting. I wasn’t the best with money when I was young and have had to learn how to manage my money wisely. My SO grew up in a well off family and never had to save, had things paid for him etc. So it’s taken a couple years for him to learn that he can’t just go out and buy whatever he wants. He finally learned the hard way when he emptied our joint account to buy a bunch of tools he wanted and didn’t bother to tell me, our car payment and two bills bounced. He got angry at me because he thought everything was paid and he could use the rest of the money for whatever he wants. He’s now learned that when it comes to big purchases out of our joint account he needs to communicate and he’s finally learning that you can’t live pay check to pay check.
If you are going to stay in this relationship my suggestion is keep all your assets seperate including your home and take some money management courses together. He also needs to be honest with you with his debt and you should sit down together and work out a budget. I had to do that for my SO so he had a reality check of how much he was actually spending on “stuff” that he wants but doesn’t really need. If he’s not willing to work with you now after 6 years and build for a future together, he never will.
Post # 7
@so37jd: I think this would be very hard to overcome. I may get flamed for this, but I think overspending is a sign of immaturity, coupled with his inability to commit. Yes, I realize there are people with bad credit/debt due to illness or job loss or whatnot, but to actively spend more than you make on a weekly/monthly basis is just immature in my eyes.
If you are interested in salvaging your relationship, then I would definitely see a counselor first and foremost so that you can discuss your financial expectations. I would also make it clear to him that you are not going to join your lives legally (as in, marriage), until he makes himself more financially stable. You don’t want to end up with crummy credit and constantly bailing him out. You aren’t his mom.
I would walk away though. As the PP said, you are far too young to settle for this nonsense. He’s not committing. He can’t handle his finances. He just sounds immature. There are better men out there who will be willing to commit to you and who pay their bills. I think you’re correct, this isn’t an income issue. There are plenty of people in lower paying jobs who manage to be financially responsible.
Post # 8
@so37jd: if he’s always been like this, he’s not going to change. even when you tried to put him on a schedule, he couldn’t commit to it 100%. you are young and you sound very mature and responsible. don’t let someone like this ruin your life, your credit and your future. i have a feeling that you may begin to resent him and his ways if you decide to stay.
maybe you can take a break and start building your life and your future. if he doesn’t step up to the plate and show you what he can do for himself, good-bye for good. you want a husband, not a child.
Post # 9
@so37jd: PP said it best: don’t settle!
I think though that you should have a serious talk with him. If you love him and he loves you, at least give him the flat out truth that if he can’t commit to working on his financial woes that you can’t see a future with him. Threatening breaking up isn’t exactly what I mean, just calmly and rationally explain how you’re feeling. Maybe even read this post to him!! If he even hesitates to try, or seems put off in any way, then I’m sorry but you’ll probably have to walk away. Ideally, he’ll at least be able to see where you’re coming from and agree to work on things. He has to know that he has fiancial issues, and maybe he’ll want to fix them. Offer to help him! But if he’s not willing, he’ll probably never be ready. Be prepared going into this conversation that this relationship very well could be ending.
Good luck girl!
Post # 10
@so37jd: The spending issues stuck out to me alot less than THIS did:
“He asked me to marry him over a year ago and has cancelled the date numerous times…because he couldn’t make the commitment.”
I’d be concerned about this first and foremost: sounds like the decision as to what to do with this relationship is kind of being made FOR you if you’re a believer in ‘actions speak louder than words.’
I’d cut my losses and move on.
Post # 11
The money issue is less worrying than the fact that he’s put your wedding off multiple times because he “can’t make the committment.”
Don’t marry this man. You’re too young to get roped into a relationship like this.
Post # 12
@O.My.Heart: Yes, I’ve spoken to him many times. Talked about budgets, the fact that money is a leading cause of divorce. Tried mint.com. Tried helping him with each paycheck but he runs off and keeps spending.
Post # 13
If he doesn’t have many expenses, what does he spend his money on? Not saying this is necessarily the case, but are there any other issues here such as drinking/drugs?
Either way, it doesn’t really sound like he’s wanting to change. You are being very mature and focusing on yourself and your future first.
Post # 14
@badabing88: +1 you beat me to it- took the thoughts/words right out of my head.
@so37jd: I’m sorry you have to make yhis decision and walk away from 6 years, but you cannot change him. Think about what it would be like having kids with him- financially it would be so stressful. *big hugs* and all the best with your decision.
Post # 15
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@so37jd: Some people know how to save and some people know only how to spend. This is a major issue that you need to discuss with him. Unfortunately the only real soluton is for you to take over the finances completely and give him an allowance to spend each month. If he can’t handle that then I say it’s smart to walk away. It’s very difficult to get someone to change their spending habits.
Post # 16
I cannot imagine that he would change and problems such as you’re describing are the main cause for divorce. I think that your only option is to leave.