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@mystic01: I'm going to be 100% honest here, so I hope it doesn't seem harsh, but he seems to be very possessive and jealous. I see lots of red flags (dictating what you wear for makeup, saying you cannot work when you are married, possessive and afraid you will leave if you aren't wearing a ring, playing "wife and husband" game, etc).
I think you need to re-evaluate the relationship and think long and hard about what is going to come next. I also think he needs to seek therepy to discuss his anxiety around you leaving him.
You seem like a smart, strong woman and I would be afraid that these insecurities he has will only grow as you do unless he starts to control you. As a wife, you need a partner, not a father-figure.
Maybe I'm reading waaaaaaaaaaay too much into this, and I hope I'm not offending anyone, I just want to be honest about what stood out to me immediately in your post. The fact that he got serious real quick, checks in with you throughout the workday, doesn't want you to work after you get married, doesn't want you wearing makeup and doesn't like other guys looking at you, and is afraid of you leaving him... those could be signs of a huge insecurity problem, but can also be signs of someone who is posessive. I think taking some time to get to know him more might be a good idea. I could totally be way off base, though, and misinterpreting what you wrote. I know not everything is ominous, but my perspective is based on past experience, so I'm just saying I support waiting a little longer before getting married.
Yeah, this is wierd to me. Just the way he's acting about the commitment... I'd be questioning his character too.
From a financial standpoint, if you're not committed, does it make sense to have joint accounts? FI & I have been together almost 11 years and we don't have joint accounts - it was not something we were interested in doing without a legal bond.
Also @takemyhand's very good points.
Does he think those things (makeup, other people looking at you, etc) are going to magically change when you're married? Or does he expect he'll have more of a say over them when you do?
Wow. I have to tell you that I see a LOT of red flags in what you wrote. A LOT of them. There are many things about your story that would cause me to want to take a big step back and give this relationship some time to sort itself out before I would ever consider marrying him.
I think it's great that you're going to counseling. Since you noted that you are a Christian and are committed to having a God-honoring relationship, I hope that your counselor is also a Christian and that he or she can help you sort though some of these issues. I honestly am concerned that your S.O. would refuse to go to counseling. That does not speak well of his willingness to consider counseling in the future once he is married.
Whether he totally, consciously realizes he is doing it or not, your S.O. is also trying to control and manipulate you. That is not good or healthy. As I'm sure you know, God, in His Word, has a clearly defined order for marriage, and a controlling or manipulative man would be a disaster-waiting-to-happen as a Christian husband (or any type of husband, regardless of his faith or lack thereof.)
It also concerns me that the two of you are so overly invested in this relationship right now, in terms of having a joint checking account and a joint cell phone plan. That makes trying to take a step back and sort these issues out more challenging.
I would strongly encourage you to talk with both your counselor and your pastor about all of this to see what advice they are able to give to you.
Thanks for everyone's honesty so far.
I have also thought about all of the above. My younger brother has told me that I am too good for this guy, and he sees me repeating our parent's relationship. My boyfriend does not like it when I talk to my brother, and has even blamed him for some of our problems, although my brother lives 1200 miles away. My brother met him and liked him, until he heard about some of the above. I know my brother is young and depends on me for money (so has an agenda of some sorts), but he is the only one close to me who has seen the relationship up-close.
Thanks for the honsty-- its somewhat embarrasing as an independent woman to confide in people I know about these things.
I agree with all the comments.. Red flags..
You just have to seriously ask yourself if this is how you want to spend the rest of life. He seems controlling, sorry to speak bluntly. I think maybe you should work on the relationship and figure out what BOTH of your goals are and BOTH come to an agreement.
Hope you figure it out!!
=o/ The more I read, the more I dislike. He's trying to separate you from a family member, and has control of your finances even though you don't even live together. He also doesn't want you to put this hard-earned degree to use after you get married. This is not love, it's control. And to be blatantly honest, it sounds an awful lot like how abusive relationships start out. Please continue with counseling and stay safe - waiting a little longer to get married never hurt anyone.
Sorry, I don't have anything new to add to this, but I also had the same gut reaction when reading your story. At first it seemed sweet, but as you read it starts becoming a little alarming. Your boyfriend certainly seems to want to control many aspects of your life, which is not okay. Also, it seems like he wants the outward appearance of marriage without actually doing the work to propose and start planning a wedding. Personally, I feel like these are issues that get blown up even further when you eventually become married and no longer have a recourse. I would definitely take a step back and reevaluate your relationship.
I agree that you should be concerned. I'm not sure how long you have been together, but I honestly think it takes awhile to fully "know" someone. I do have friends that are happy with people they did not date forever before getting married, but IMO it takes people awhile to fully be themselves and figure out if someone is capatible or not. If I were you, I would explain your concerns and perhaps work on the relationship and any issues you may have before getting more serious about getting married. Best of luck!
Also, from one graduate degree holder to another..... I think you more than deserve to use it after all the hard work!! That's your decision - not anyone else's!
@mystic01: I just want to add something. I also am a Christian woman who chose to wait a long time for God's best for my life, and I know how challenging it can sometimes be for Christian women to meet Godly men of character and integrity who truly share their Christian values and beliefs. I am older than you are, and I recall being in my 30s, when most of the Christian men I knew were already married. The few who weren't married were either great catches who just felt that they had not yet met "the one" or were guys who were known in church circles as being (and I almost hate to say these words) socially awkward and having issues.
I'm not saying that you are "settling" for this guy, since I do not know you, but please make sure that you're not holding onto this relationship because you haven't yet met anyone "better," and you don't want to end up being a Christian single for another decade. I actually broke an engagement when I was 30 (to a really great guy, but I came to realize that he was not God's plan for my future husband.) It took MANY more years, but, in my 40s, I finally met and married DH. He was worth the wait!! :)
I agree with everyone. This guy has some issues and I wouldn't get yourself in a situation where you lose anymore of your freedom or independence from this guy. I'd make sure and take it extra slow before you marry this guy.
Maybe he's in such a hurry to rush this and marry you so you don't have time to see his true colors before it's too late.
This sounds really, really scary to me. He's already taken over your financial independence with joint accounts and then he doesn't want you to work-- you will never have a way out if he gets more possessive and more jealous.
You deserve someone who is confident and who trusts you without controlling you.
I'm with all of the other PPs and don't have a lot to add.
Being in a relationship like this doesn't make you any less intelligent. When we are in love we don't always make decisions our rational minds would make.
I agree with a lot of the advice you've been getting. There are some profoundly worrying warning flags here.
First, the whole wanting to wear your wedding rings and telling a stranger that you'd just gotten married/calling you his wife thing is extremely odd.
Second, proposals should be made (and accepted) when both parties are totally confident of their future together and their commitment to one another. His anxiety over the possibility that you might leave him and his hesitance about proposing both tell me that he's not ready to be engaged, let alone married. Why do you think he feels so much pressure to move quickly and is so convinced that you're likely to leave him?
Third, his hostility toward your brother and his attempts to control you are chilling. These are almost certainly early warning signs of something much bigger. You're not even engaged yet and he's already trying to isolate you and dictate your appearance and whether or not you'll work after marriage. How will things look a few years down the road when you live with him and are legally and spiritually bound to him?
Fourth, you mention that he has blamed your brother for some of your relationship problems. What kinds of problems do you guys have? The first couple of years of a healthy relationship should be pretty smooth sailing, and you say you've only been dating a short while.
Bottom line: Do not pressure him for a proposal. Don't be in a hurry at all. Take your time, and pray, and go to counselling, and really think carefully about whether spending the rest of your life with this man is a wise choice.
How long have you been dating him? What's the rush?
Sometimes we women can get excited and eager at the prospect of a man wanting to propose. But in this case, you are clearly the prize so why not step back, and make him court you a little more? Date him longer and get to know him better. I can tell you I've been w/ my boyfriend 2 1/2 years and there were certain things I learned about him after the second year that I didn't know and had to adjust to. And things I'm sure I have yet to learn. And the things I learned after 2 years would have been a lot harder to work through had we been married, b/c I may have been doing it b/c I felt obligated, and not b/c I truly wanted to and had a choice.
There's more harm in rushing than there is in taking your time. And he defiintiely has shown some red flags of controlling behavior, insecurity, etc. It's actually strange (believe it or not) that he bought a ring so quickly. Not to mention he wants you to wear it but doesn't want to propose yet. HUH?! There's a lot to be said about a man that can be with you and trust that you're his, without making you wear something showing you're taken.
I don't think an October 2012 wedding is a good idea. And one sign of whether he's the one would be his reaction if you tell him you'd like to take it slower and wait to get engaged. You could also have a longer engagement than planned so you can spend some time getting to know him better. You may find that he's is everything you want, or you may find that he is not the one.
Dang I wasn't even going to comment because the other ladies pretty much said exactly what I would have said. I read your second comment and it's RED FLAGS being thrown in every which way! He doesn't like you to talk to your mother? That is a huge red flag bc men like this (if he is in fact, possessive, abusive etc) want to isolate you from family and friends. No good honey...no good at all. I would take it slower than slow and dont enter into a legal relationship with him until you have 1+ years under your belt, if at all. Just the things that you've said rub me reallllly the wrong way. Im so sorry :(
@mystic01: It's interesting that you say that your brother thinks you are repeating your parents' relationship. That is actually extremely common for children who grew up in abusive households: either becoming abused or abusers. If you did have a family like this growing up, you know how hard it is. Coming from somebody who also sees her parents relationship in what you are saying, here's my recommendation: leave now. If he is this controlling BEFORE you get married, it will only get worse and harder to leave once you are married.
Good luck.
This terrifies me because I could have written this about an ex of mine. Everything is practically parallel. We were in this whirlwind, amazing relationship that was going so fast but he was such an awesome, God-fearing man that I just let it happen. I shouldn't have let it happen. I justified his possessiveness by saying he wanted me to not tempt other men. I justified the speed at which we were moving by saying this is how it is when you are with the man God wants for you. He flew his parents out from Tennessee to meet me. It ended with him dragging me through a parking lot asking if I was scared of him and telling me he had something for me in his trunk. I hit and ran like hell so I never found out what he had in the trunk or what would have happened. I know every situation is different but please be careful. I needed counseling afterward and met some women who were in the same type of situation I was. You would be surprised to know how many women have to escape from men they were in a whirlwind relationship with. Men who claimed to want to give them the world. I know this is sort of thread jacking but I have to warn other women I see in a similar situation. You likely are safe. But please keep your wits about you and be careful. Women are hurt every day by men they trusted.
THIS IS NOT GOOD and will only get worse! I think there are some HUGE RED FLAGS! he appears to be very controling and i think that will probably get worse as time goes by. Sounds like he also wants you to give up who you are by not having a job, not allowing you to use make up and controling your relationships. Think about the relationship and what else he may try to controle in the future, is this a future you really want? do you want someobdy else to be in controle of your life??? This sounds really bad and realy unhealthy I say GET OUT NOW!!!!!!!
remember that somebody who really loves you will support you 100% and will not try to change and controle you
I agree with PPs--everything you posted is extremely, extremely worrying. Literally EVERYTHING you described is the textbook profile of an abuser. The extremely quick progression of the relationship, the jealousy and possessiveness, the attempts to control the way you look and behave, the attempt to make you financially dependent on him ("I don't want you to work after we're married"), isolating you from your family--these are all EXTREMELY serious, major signs and every single one of them is DEEPLY unhealthy, even if nothing worse ever happens (which I deeply hope it will not).
PLEASE PLEASE do not even consider moving forward towards marriage with this man until you have resolved ALL of these issues, whether through discussion or prayer or counseling or whatever. I honestly cannot state this strongly enough.
Please take care of yourself!
Here, please take a look at this: http://mysistershouse.org/domestic_violence/profile.html
Just from this one list, I see the following in what you described:
I agree with my fellow Bees, there's LOADS of warning signs here - for instance he says he doesn't want you to work, what do YOU want? Do YOU want to wear make-up etc? I would seriously be giving the ring back and slowing things down
Have you ever got into a huge fight? how does he respond and how does it get resolved? I'm just wondering, because in such a short time it's hard to really know a person... Before getting even more serious, I'd do a background check, and a credit check.
I think waiting for him the propose is the least of your worries. Sometimes waiting a while is a good thing :)
I agree with PPs. It's even worse that he wants to separate you from your little brother. Isolating someone is the key to having complete control over them. Please be careful.
I cannot thank everyone enough for all of their advice. I wanted to write with an update, and see if anyone could offer any further encouragement.
My brother is currently on his way to me, and will be here later this evening. We are going to get a new apartment in the metro area that we used to live in, some 4 hours away. I am not telling my boyfriend anything until I am safely moved.
I was always an independent woman, and was single for several years. I enjoyed my life immensely, but had a few lonely moments. Those moments increased six months ago after moving 4 hours away for graduate school and not knowing anyone. At that time, my brother moved 1200 miles away, so I was really alone. A few months later, I met this guy.
Everytime I had doubts, he would move in closer. I had no time to myself. A few weeks ago, I started considering leaving him, and then he put me on his cell phone plan(so I wouldn't have to hear my brothers calls, according to him), broke his lease to move into the apartment above me, and then bought the rings. I became more invested and then one week ago, my blood sugar went into the 50's and he did nothing. I called him out on it and he told me that he had lost feeling for me. I started crying, and he refused to comfort me, stating that I did it to myself. Later, he said that he never lost feeling for me, but just said that because I made him mad. That was a blessing in disguise, as I started to re-evaluate the relationship. However, I was confused because my counselor said that he may not be abusive and I should give it time. Meanwhile, my cat (who used to adore him) began showing her disgust with him.
This weekend has been a horrible series of events that included our biggest fight ever, which I believe was ignited after I called him out on how he was treating me and was done to prevent me from doing my homework. He said that he can never please me and that I think too much. Then he wanted me to cancel my hair appointment this weekend so we could go to Las Vegas. I have a project due today, and he said he is going to come visit me while working.
In closing, I am finished with him. I am excited to get my life back and thankful for all of the advice here, which fueled my decision to leave. Even my brother saw this page, and was in disbelief about the overwhelming majority opinion.
Hopefully, I will be back years down the road if I find a man who enhances my life. I wish everyone the best on their wedding and in life.
:)
Good girl!! This sounds like it will have a happy ending (despite what you counselor recommended :/ ). Thank goodness your brother can help and that you are smart enough to see the warning signs. Will you be able to stay in school and keep your job even though you're moving 4 hours away?
Thanks for updating us!
Hello, fellow Kentuckian (I am a native of NKY) :)
School is a blend of online and classroom, so hopefully I won't have to commute too much. I can do 100% online until June. I am not working now, for reasons I'm sure everyone knows. I have been off for nearly 4 months, but I know that Dallas has many more job opportunities than where I am currently.
good for you!!! Stay strong, this is your happy ending (for now) and in the future Im sure you will find that someone who will always encourage you to be the person you want to be!!! Never settle, its good to see that you are still an independent and strong woman! I have a sister that we have not talked to for 8 years becasue her husband is so controling, she wanted to be a vet and once she got pregnant he told her no wife of his would have a job, so he made her quit school and then slowly made her stop talking to the family, then they moved, who knows where they are now. Its really said, but this was her choise I hope she is happy (but honestly I dont know how somebody can be happy when they are no longer their own person) He has controled her from the start, it only got worse, I just hope it has never been phisical. So good for you for getting out now! Make sure you change your phone # as well :) Good Luck, the right man is out there!!!
Good! 
Life will be so much better for you.
I'm glad to hear you were able to see and take the advice from everyone. So many people don't and it's sad to watch.
I am so happy to hear that things are heading in the right direction for you. I am frustrated that your cat could see this man for what he is but your counsellor couldn't. I would find another counsellor if I were you, someone with proper training. It may help you to move beyond this situation as you get your life back on track. Good for you for having the strength to leave. You sound like a strong and intellegent woman. Best of luck!
So so proud of you!! I'm so relieved to finally see a happy ending and good choice on these boards.
@mystic01: Please keep us updated on how you are doing once you get settled! Sending prayers and good vibes your way!
Update
I have been calling apartments, and it does not seem that I will be able to do this for awhile. Since I am unemployed and in my lease until 04/30/2012, I cannot get an apartment. My brother was going to get it (and we would room together) but he owes an apartment $4000, so none will lease to him until he pays that.
The economy is really bad where I am, and jobs do not work around my school schedule. At this point, the only option is to live in a motel in Dallas with my brother until we save up the $4000, which may be a few more months. Meanwhile, that guy will be able to have is regular good life....makes me SOOO mad.
I know if I don't get out now, I never will.
Thanks to everyone for all of your advice. I am writing this in my new apartment, where I have been living for exactly one month! I am proud to say that I left him on 02/23/2012, less than two weeks after my initial post here.
Best wishes to everyone. :)
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He said I'm the one, bought the ring, but wants to date awhile before proposing...?
We started discussing marriage, life after marriage, the location for our small wedding, and rings. He moved into my apartment complex once his lease was up, and we decided that I would extend my lease by 6 months and move in with him after our marriage in October of 2012. We are both Christians, and have chosen not to live together or have sex before marriage.
Last week, he wanted to go ring shopping. He bought the first ring I tried on, and I bought his wedding band. He wanted us to wear the rings and started calling me his wife. He even told a server at the restaurant that we had just gotten married.
We both have insecurities, and my boyfriend sometimes says he is afraid I will leave him. I am woring on my graduate degree, and he works in road construction. He has told me that he don't want me to work after we get married. He told me early in the relationship that I should not wear makeup because I look better without it, and that other guys check me out more when I don't wear makeup (He gets upset when guys stare at me). I wore makeup on Monday and Tuesday (first time in weeks) and on Tuesday night, I was joking with him on when he is going to propose. He has been saying that he wishes we were already married. But on Tuesday night, he knows I am the one, he wants us to keep wearing the rings, but he wants to date longer before proposing. He said that the ring lets other guys know I am taken. He said that he does not know when he will propose, but he is afraid I will leave him if he doesn't ask soon. I said I am not going to wear the ring until after he asks. He said he needed time, so I gave him time. He came back 15 minutes later and said he still wants to marry me in October, and he was sorry for confusing me.
I don't want to pressure him about what is going on, but those mind games are making me impatient, especially when we have the rings. I am really questioning the character of a man who would buy a ring, want me to wear it, but not propose and cause this drama. But I am also qustioning what is wrong with me. I know that me and him both have issues, and I am going to counseling for mine, but he doesn't believe in counseling and will not go. I am at a loss on what to do. Any advice would be appreciated. :)