Post # 1
Hello bees! I am crazy in love with my fiancÃ©, we have been together for two and a half years engaged for 8 months and getting married in July this year. Exciting! We never really figth and we are pretty good about talking things out when an issue does come up. However, he recently went to a work conference for a week and some issues came up in our relationship. I realized that I maybe I don’t trust him 100%.. I know that he would never do anything to intentionally hurt me or our relationship. The only time I can’t trust him is when he drinks, he doesn’t really drink a lot but he told me that he didn’t have any fun at the conference because of me! The whole time we have been together only one time we were out drinking, I went to the bathroom, came back and some girl was all over him. He claims that he doesn’t remember and promised that he would never get like that again. So at conference while everyone was out hanging out he had to stay in his room to avoid problems, my thing is… Why didn’t he talk to me before he left so that we could’ve work something out? I feel bad that he didn’t have “fun” and even worse about my realization that maybe I don’t entirely trust him, or at least the situation. He won’t go to another conference until after we are married so I won’t have time to prove/try this again. So my question is, Should a relationship be perfect or almost perfect before marriage? Are you girls dealing with some issues too that could drag on after the wedding? Should I be worried? Help!
Post # 3
I think there are always issues in a relationship that need to be worked out. If everything was perfect, you’d probably be ignoring some serious issues. You guys just need to sit down and chat about trust, what’s important to you, etc. You will work it out.
Post # 4
No relationship is perfect. Ever. There are no exceptions to that and the people who say there are are lying or in denial.
I think you and your FI need to sit down and have a talk about this issue and need to get everything out in the open. It’s faily obvious that you have some trust issues and he has some resentment issues, so you two need to clear the air.
Post # 5
I want to start by saying no relationship is perfect. I think trust is a BIG thing though and I could not marry somebody I did not trust.
Has something else happened in the past to make you not trust your FI?? Did he stay in the room because he does not trust himself to be faithful if he goes out and you are not around? I think this is a big deal and a problem and you both need to sit down and talk before the wedding. I trust my FI 100%, our relationship is not perfect, nobodys is, but if there is no trust then its hard to have a happy and healthy reltationship.
Post # 6
First my answer is no way things shouldn’t be perfect! Aspects of the relationship can be perfect, but it’s always good to have things to work on. My My relationship is like this, we love hard and we fight hard because we are passionate people. No, we don’t fight all the time. We have issues that we work through, but yes if something is really bothering one of us it can start a passionate argument.
The only thing is…Trust is really big for everyone as should be. Have you been hurt in the past? I would sit down and have a very serious conversation about what interaction with the opposite sex is acceptable. I know it sounds silly but you should both voice what crossing the line is. Is it that your FI can’t handle his alcohol or is it that you’ve been hurt before by others and don’t trust any man who drinks? I’m not putting it on you. I guess you just need to look at why it’s bothering you. Was he into this girl at the bar or did she innocently not realize he was with someone?
IMO without little issues along the way in a relationship you can’t grow or learn more about each other. GL!
Post # 7
Thank you for all your responses ladies. I appreciate it! My fiancé and I have a great relationship, that’s why I was so shocked when this happened. I had no idea that he wanted to go out and socialize with the people at the conference. He said that he doesnt want to get drunk or anything just network with the people he sees once a year. I understand that, but i just dont get why he didnt talk to me before he left so that I wouldve been ok with it. He is a very strong person, so i know that he can handle himself. My fear comes from a time about a year and a half ago.. We went out drinking with two of the reps from his work. He drank a lot and so did I. The girl that was all over him was the rep and she is married! It made me very uncomfortable and I even confronted her. He doesn’t remember any of it. After this happened I told him that I could never trust him out drinking especially if I’m not there. He said it was a one time thing and he never really got like that before. I honestly think that girl put something in his drink! We left it at that, not drinking that much anymore. Snce then the issue had never come up again, but now it did with the whole going drinking to network. After he told me that he didn’t have fun not to upset me, it made me sad. I felt guilty, but how could I know that he wanted to do that? He said that i dont trust him, which i do just not in that situation due to what happened. Now I am in doubt if we should move our wedding date or not… 🙁
Post # 8
Every relationship has its issues but the problem is not the issue but how you deal with them together. My FI and I are attending extensive marriage counseling to have some grounds on how to deal with things and trust me it helps. Maybe thats something you guys can try.
best of luck!!!
Post # 9
As PP’s have stated, relationships are not perfect!! With that said, based upon what little I know vs what you wrote, I think you guys are fine. Although you feel bad, consider his behavior respectful toward you, and your relationship, albeit not necessarily healthy all the time either 🙂 He stayed ‘in’ bc he did not want you to be upset, due to an isolated incident that occurred however long ago. That, well, is very kind and loving.
However, in a partnership, I think that it is healthy and very much needed to a) have your time apart, and b) be able to have fun (appropriately) without the other person with you!!
If you are OK with it, then tell him. With that said, you make sure you go over all of your potential ‘insecurities’ too, so that you are both on the same page! I.e., I am OK with you going out and having fun at these conferences, provided you are careful that you do not drink to the point of not remembering, and are safe!! Or, something to that effect.
It honestly sounds like a slight communication breakdown. Good luck!!
Post # 10
@Sandrawchs: I’m so glad you asked this question because I have been thinking about this as well, my wedding is in April and it feels like when I read the bee everyone makes it sounds like their lives are perfect and it actually made me kind of think about our relationship. We don’t have any major issues but it’s comforting to see that it’s normal to have some issues before the wedding that can be worked through and that just because not everything is perfect it will be okay. So basically I’m saying I’m with you our relationship is not perfect and we still have arguments sometimes but I think if you are both willing to make an effort and work on your relationship that everything will work out.
Post # 11
@Sandrawchs: Nobody has a “perfect” relationship because we are all imperfect human beings. It is only March and your wedding isn’t until July. I’m not sure why you are asking if you should put off the wedding because of something that sounds very minor. It’s just a miscommunication issue, not a trust issue. You had every right to be upset at any woman hanging all over your FI. It has nothing to do with not trusting him, it has to do with HER violating appropriate boundaries. You are NOT wrong about that. That said, he also didn’t do anything wrong and you need to let it go and give him the trust he deserves. It was a little immature of him to blame you for him not having any fun at his work conference but at least you know he did what he knew you would prefer. This is not a serious issue, it’s a normal one. Just talk to him and explain that you do trust him completely, just that one instance made you uncomfortable. Ask him to put himself in your position and he would feel the same way you did, no doubt. Be calm. Also, one of my rules of any disagreement with my FI is: Never Threaten The Relationship. If you ask him to move the wedding date he may feel as though the relationship is being threatened. It’s not worth it. Just talk it over like mature adults.
Post # 12
I think it is strange that you didn’t think he wanted to socialize at this conference. Do you think he WANTED to sit in the hotel room and do nothing? And I find it even stranger that he DID sit in the hotel room and do nothing….
Post # 13
@zippylef: No relationship is perfect. Ever. There are no exceptions to that…
Post # 14
@Sandrawchs: No relationship is perfect…but why would you scold him for something he clearly didnt do? I mean…she was all over him. Its not like he was hitting on her right?
So yes you have some clear trust issues. And i dont know why. To tell him you dont trust him out drinking when someone else was being inappropriate is bizarre. Clearly you made a huge deal about it because he felt like he could not go out at the conference…which would SUCK and probably made him resent you a bit.
So basically…your being controling for no reason. He should be able to go out drinking without you and not worry about you getting upset.
Post # 15
I think her fear from the incident steps from the fact he had zero reccollection of the encounter…and from what I infer from what she posted, he didn’t do anything to detangle himself from the situation. It’s always hard too when it’s a co-worker, because he can’t avoid the person. I do agree trust is major, but it is something that can be worked on, in the right way.
My FI and I have drinking boundries together, decided on together after a few crazy nights when we first started dating. I am an extremely insecure person in general, andhave been cheated on numerous times in the past (not by FI). Both of us can be pretty stupid when we drink, so we decided we either do it together, or not at all. It works for us. Now, he isn’t condemened from going out or anything, and he is welcome to having drinks with friends/co-workers/after hockey etc but he chooses not to put himself into situations that might get out of control. Same goes for me. Like I said, it works for us, and we are both happy with the arrangement.
OP, I think you’re FI was a bit unfair blaming you for not having fun at his conference. A conversation would have gone a long way to sorting this out more than him coming home pointing his finger at you for ruining his trip.