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My husband wanted to take me to the movies but we didn't have a babysitter for our son. So, my husband decided to go with his friend.aAfter. I told him I was not okay with him leaving me home and him going to the movies. We are both parents if we can't find a babysitter then we cannot go. Why is okay for him to go and leave me home just b.c we don't have a sitter? I expressed to him I was extremely upset but he decided to go anyways. Should I be overreacting? I just want to know everyone's. Input.
@Maria87: We don't have kids yet but if we did I'd be fine with him going out and leaving me to look after the kids, and he'd be fine looking after them if i wanted to go out.
I'd only be upset if he refused to watch the kids if i wanted to go out or if we we're going out and at the last minute he took a friend.
The poll options didn't work just so you know :)
We don't have kids. If hubs wants to go out with friends, I won't stop him. If he made plans with me and then told me that his buddy was going to go instead of me, I'd probably be pissed.
We don't have kids, but I can relate to how you feel.
If it was something that was planned ahead of time- it wouldn't bother me. The selfishness behind, "Hey- want to come with me to a movie?" and then when you can't find a sitter he goes without you.. well, it would rub me the wrong way.
we dont have kids and although i got married so i dont have to do things on my own (ha ha) i dont stop him from doing things alone if he wants to
but.... if we had children i would need my own alone time - so i would expect him to be home with the kids while i go out to see movies. shopping or whatever i wanted to do
goodluck with finding a sitter nex time - i think its important that you have couple time without children
Absolutely. I think its healthy for a man to have male relationships and bonding. As long as he isn't hanging out with the single crowd, and the friends that he spends time with aren't single or whoremongers, everything should be fine. When we first got together my FI use to be so jealous when I went places without him... then the script flipped and I'd find myself calling and being bothered I wasn't with him. Now we've found a medium. I encourage him to build social relationships with his friends without me having to be there and me with my friends without him. Normally once a week seems fair, as long as it isn't on our date night or cutting into ourquality time, and as long as they are not doing things worth causing worry (strip clubs...etc.).
But a man always going somewhere without you is unacceptable, sends out red flags, and should be questioned. But from what I read, he isn't that way. Just slap a big YOU OWE me on his forehead, so that the next time you want to see a movie, he stays home and watches the baby , and you go with your girls.
I would be ok with him going but if I wanted to go see the movie really bad (Pirates of the Caribbean) then I would tell him the next day he ought to stay his butt at home while I go see it in 3D.
I think there are two seperate issues here,
I have no issue with my DH going out without me.
I would have an issue if we had plans and he chose to ditch me, that was quite selfish what your husband did.
You had plans together and since you couldn't find a sitter he ditched you leaving you to watch the kids. Yeah, I'd be pissed. Make him stay home and go see the movie in 3D!
I would not have a problem with it as long as he recipocated.
In your situation, it would have been nice if he had offered to take care of the kids and let you go to the movie since he wanted to take you out...
Did he go see a movie you wanted to see?
@Maria87: We both go out alone with our friends from time to time. I don't see any problem with that. But if it's always him that goes out and never you, then I would definitely react.
My husband is going to the new Xmen movie today without me. And I am going out Tuesday night without him. We take turns watching our daughter. It is healhty to have time without your partner.
I think that situation is kind of sucky, since you guys decided to go to a movie and then you ended up being the one to stay home while he went out and had fun. But in general, I think it's fine for my hubby to go out without me. When the baby comes I'm sure I'll want to get out occasionally and hang out with my girl friends, and I'm sure he'll want to do the same and hang out with his friends.
It's funny to me to read the posts saying "I don't have children but it would be fine by me..." - I'll be waiting for those edit posts when there is children and the guy did the same thing to you - we'll see how "ok" you are with it then...
I do not think that you are over reacting at all - you both planned on seeing a movie together, well he asked you to go see a movie. Since you didn't have a babysitter, it seems as you have been "replaced" with the friends and that's not fair for you to have to stay behind when you both have a huge responsibility at home and that's the kids. It's just a common, courtsey rule to me - if one can't go then you both don't go. And a real man would never leave his wife at home alone with children - if he wants that "man" time with his friends, he would have at least made sure you had a girlfriend coming over. That's what FI does for me - he thinks it's wrong for a woman to be left in the house by herself.
Good luck on everything and hopefully you'll be able to sit down with him and really let him know how you felt about being left behind.
Regardless of children- it's very healthy for a couple to have their own time with their own friends.
I disagree with some of the PPs. You two had plans to go out together, but because you couldn't go, he basically ditched you. Uncool. No way is that fair to you. I can see why you were upset. Now is the time for you to plan a night out with someone other than your husband. Enjoy yourself.
Only way I'd be fine with it is if he had plans with his friends then told me about it beforehand. Not a "oh, you can't go? Sucks for you cause I'm going with someone who can then." I mean, I do agree for you two to have your separate time, but this wasn't his wisest choice it seems.
I have no problem with my husband going out with his friends because I, too, need time with my girlfriends. However, I don't think it's acceptable for your husband to "dump you" last minute because you were unable to get a sitter.
If we couldn't get a sitter, I know one of us would say, "call insertname and you guys can go". We do stuff like that all of the time, however, we would discuss it first, and no one would be aggrivated about it. The fact you communicated that you were pissed, is what the issue is.
However you're question is, "Should married men go out without their wife" and YES they should. Regardless, of children, everyone needs their own space, and time out.
Yes, they should go out alone sometimes. No need to be together all the time.
Now your situation, I don't think that was cool. Y'all made plans, no sitter, so he decides to go with a friend and leave you with the baby. NOT at all cool in my book.
To me, this would depend on the situation. If he said, "Hey, do you want to go see a movie?" and I said yes, but then we couldn't find a sitter and he went with someone else, that would piss me off.
But if he said, "Hey, I'd like to go see this movie with my friend, can you watch the kids tonight?", then I'd be okay with that. You both deserve time out, though, so he better offer you the same option sometimes!
FI and I have a son together and there has been times where we want to do something but becuase we don't have a babysitter I stay home and he takes his friend instead. I personally don't have a problem with this.
I don't see it as him ditching me since I know we have plenty of times to go out together and have. Now if he does this on a regular basis then I would have a problem.
I agree with PPs. I don't have a problem with DH making plans without me, but to ditch me when we couldn't find a sitter is totally unacceptable. If we couldn't go on our planned date, then we should rent a movie or something and have a date in together, and see the movie another time when we can find a sitter. However, if he was planning on seeing it with his friend and discussed it with me ahead of time, I'd have no problem with it.
if we made plans to see a particular movie and then he went with a friend, I'd be mad.. because I'd want to see the movie! So he better let me go out with my friends to see it
But in general - yes, he should go out with his friends. My DH has left for a few weekends, including this one, to go out of state to see hockey games.
Regardless of whether or not you guys have kids, it's not ok for him to just ditch you when the two of you have plans together.
However as others have said, being able to make plans independently of each other is key to a healthy relationship.
It is okay for a husband to go out without you - but not under the circumstances you described. The original plan was for him to go out with YOU. Unless you had told him to go on ahead without you, BOTH of you couldn't find a sitter and both of you should have bitten the bullet. Him going with his friend seems like a selfish move on his part, IMO. Now if the original plan had been for him to go to the movies with his friend, then I think that would have been perfectly fine.
I wouldnt have a problem with it.. as long as he watched the kids whle I went out with my friend as well
I think, for me, it would really depend on the motivation and whose idea it was to go to the movies.
If his original idea was that a movie would be fun, then his motivation was for him to go to the movies and of course he wanted you to go with him. His motivation wasn't necessarily to spend time with you, but rather to go to the movies, so he asked a friend to go with him when you couldn't find a babysitter.
If his original idea was that it would be fun to do something together with you, then his motivation was to spend time with you and movie just sounded like a good idea. His motivation wasn't to go to the movies, but rather to spend time with you, so he probably would have skipped the movie when you couldn't find a babysitter.
If you had been the one who brought up the idea of going to a movie, then he should have offered to stay home with the kids when a babysitter couldn't be found. Then you could have decided for yourself if your motivation for suggesting a movie was to see a movie or to spend time with him. If it was to see a movie, then you'd let him stay home and watch the kids while you and a girlfriend went to the movies. If it was to spend time with him, you'd stay home...
We don't have children and have no plans to have children, but this is kind of how we resolve these situation. DH may suggest doing something together and maybe I'm just not in the mood to go. If his motivation was to do something with me, then he'll stay home. If his motivation was to go out and do something, then he'll ask if it's okay if he goes out on his own.
Nine times out of ten when he asks if it's okay if he goes out, I'll say it's okay for him to go, but every once in a while I'll ask him to stay home, and he's never had a problem with it. And maybe that's why it works for us, because he is always considerate and asks...
I would be fine with it as long as it wasn't always him going out and me not having the opportunity just as often.
While that specific situation would bug me, the idea that Mr. Hedgie isn't allowed to go out without me is just insane! He is still a person with friends and desires outside the marriage (as long as they aren't sexual or emotional desires). It is unhealthy for a married couple to spend every waking moment with eachother. You need to have time apart with your friends.
I get your point in this situation. Its kind of crappy for you to have to stay home because you couldn't get a sitter. But in general I would be okay with my husband going out without me and in fact its encouraged. You need to do things separately.
I would be disapointed, but I do have two kids actually, and we go out seperately all the time. We have date nights, he goes out with the guys, and I go out with the girls.
I dont think its a bad thing to have alone time. But if we had plans and they got dampened because of no babysitter, I would probably see about going with the kids and FI somewhere instead of being all sulky at home.
Last weekend we got into it about a similar situation. Hubby is a biker...anyway, one of the guys asked him to go to some function with a bunch of other guys. DH agreed. This was Friday, however on Thursday he'd asked me to see a movie with him on Friday night. So imagine my surprise when he got home and got ready to go out with the guys and I was anticipating going out together to a movie. I was HOT. He couldn't understand what I was upset about. It's just frustrating. Men are stupid about things. I wouldn't have had any problem with him going out with the guys IF HE HADN'T MADE PLANS WITH ME FIRST. I absolutely think he needs to go out with his friends, that's what keeps our relationship so good...we don't have to do EVERYTHING together.
In your situation it is pretty crappy that he went out with his friend because you couldn't find a sitter. I would be upset about that too. Just remember that if you don't have plans together it shouldn't be an issue for him to go out with his friends. :)
I totally agree with simpleandchic. Your husband shouldn't have ditched you for his friend after not finding a babysitter. I would feel absolutely crushed!
We don't have children (yet). But if DH had prior arrangements to go out, I would be fine with staying home with the baby, just as long as he didn't do it in that way!
Sometimes men just don't think! HUGS!
I wouldn't mind DH going out without me, but ditching me because we couldn't find a babysitter would irritate me. I'm sure he would be upset if you made plans with him and then ditched him if he couldn't find a sitter. Like everyone said, it's fine for him to go out, but not if he made plans with you first.
I go out and FI never complains about staying home with our son and I would be more than happy to return the favor as long as he gives me the heads up that I have given him. To go along with that, I often ask if he wants to come and he says no and I would hope he would extend that invitation to me as appropriate. But, if we had planned to do something together and it didn't work out because of baby-sitting and he decided to leave me at home and go do it with someone else without making sure I was okay with that, yeah that would piss me off.
I agree with JoJo. I don't think the issue here is whether or not it's ok for him to go out. I think the problem here is that you had plans to do something together. The plans fell through due to your mutual responsibility (kids and no babysitter), then he decides to go without you anyways and bring a friend instead. Yes, I would be be pissed too. He should have said, "Well, these things happen sometimes, lets try to plan for the movies another day." And then maybe you could of got pizza or something and watched a different movie at home after the kids went to bed.
@Maria87: You are still two people. You don't have to do everything together as a unit. He shouldn't have just blown you off, but you shouldn't have tried to guilt trip him either. Next weekend, make plans with your friends and let him stay home with the baby.
It is 100% healthy to go out without one another. It should be reciprocated, though - next time you can't get a sitter, you get to go out without him.
You both need breaks from family time - including breaks from one another. I think it is really unhealthy to forbid a spouse from going out without the other person.
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