Post # 1
Okay I’m just not sure what to think about this. I’m getting conflicting opinions.
A little back story: My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 3 years and an engagement is going to happen 5-6 months from now. Since the beginning of our relationship, I’ve been working as a graphic designer for him (He owns a web design company which started small but has been quite successful and grown a lot since we’ve been together). He pays me my salary, but he makes a great deal more money than I do (naturally, since he is the owner of the business!) and he is considered wealthy even to people twice his age (he is 23). He tends to foot the bill for lots of little things like lunch at Subway and does occasionally buy me expensive gifts, but I wouldn’t say he spends tons of money on me to shower me with luxuries or anything. Most things I buy myself with my own money. That’s fine with me since I’m not dating him to have a sugar daddy or something. I am with him because I love him.
However, I often get slack from my parents about this. They seem to think that because he makes so much money, he should pay for most everything. He should ALWAYS pay for dinner, ALWAYS pay for expensive things, ALWAYS be buying me nice things I want ectect. It has never been like this in our relationship though. We most often go dutch or we work out something. For expensive purchases he might pay for part of it for me, but not all (example: we’re going on vacation to Mexico in February. He’s paying for himself and 1/4 of my trip, but I am paying the rest). Sometimes he’ll lend me money that I’ll pay him back in smaller, more affordable instalments (example: he bought an expensive laptop for me that I am still paying him back for).
Back in June my boyfriend bought a house and moved in. He is renting out the basement which pays for most of the mortgage payments. We have discussed my moving in with him when I finish paying him my laptop debt next month. Part of what we discussed was what I would pay in terms of rent. He told me $650 a month (which would include my living there and using the house’s electricity, water, phone, cable TV, internet and even includes food) and all I would have to pay for additionally is my personal cell phone, my gym membership and any other new clothes or toys I’d want. To me this seems reasonable, but my parents think it’s ridiculous. They think I shouldn’t have to pay a cent to live in his house. I just ignored them since they’ve been like this since the beginning.
However, it is not just my parents who think this is wrong. Everyone I’ve mentioned this to has been appalled. They all seem to think my boyfriend is being very selfish since he can easily afford everything on his own salary and he does not actually need any help to pay for the home. It just doesn’t seem right to me that I should freeload off of my boyfriend just because he is rich…
So is this actually something I should be concerned about? Is he being selfish, or are my friends and family being unfair to expect him to have me under his roof for free?
Post # 3
1. Why do your parents have any information about what he pays for vs. what you pay for?
2. If you were fine with the arrangement outside of your parents’ opinion, then I don’t see why it matters.
I make a good deal more than my fiance. Instead of asking him to pay rent (he moved into my house that I own), I ask him to set aside the money that he would be paying for rent into our joint savings for when we upgrade our home. If we ever were to break up (this is before we were engaged), all of the money in that account would go to me. That was the compromise that we worked out.
Post # 4
I am sure many people will have very different opinions.
I do think if he makes much more money than you that he should be paying for dinners etc if you are still in the dating phase and not living together.
However, I do think you should pay a portion of the mortgage/rent if he asks for it. That portion should be related to how much you make and can afford however.
If you move in together, I would consider putting in an agreed upon % of each or your monthly incomes to pay for common payments (mortgage, electricity, dinners, vacations etc). Because he makes more he would contribute more. My FH and I each contribute 50%. to a shared account. That other money is our own to do what we want with it, but we will use that money for “us” things if our shared account is short or its a big ticket item etc.
Post # 5
@DeathByDesign: In my opinion your friends and family are being unfair. My FI and I have lived together for 3 + years (and just got engaged recently) and I’ve always paid part of the rent. He makes a lot more than me and also has a lot in savings.
When we moved into the city, we moved to a place that was more expensive than I could pay 1/2 of so we split the rent 60/40 instead (while he techincally could pay all of it himself).
We also often split who pays for dinner and my card is the one we usually use for take out.
I will continue to pay my portion of the rent (or mortgage) or whatever as long as we don’t have a joint account for it to come out of.
I do have to say though, it’s nice to be paying rent to him, because there have been some months I’ve come up short or had to pay late.
Post # 6
I’m was in/currently in a similar situation. I work, I make pretty good money for my age (24) but my FI makes quite a bit more (though we don’t work together – good for you!). In March of 2009 he bought a house, all by himself.
Since we lived together as roommates previously and then had an apartment after that – we always split things 50/50 while in college. But since he makes about 1.5 times more money than I do we split things that way. He gets about 2/3 of the bills (including morgage) and I get the other 1/3. He always pays for dinner though (that’s just like a him personally thing though). We pay for our own grocerys, gas, fun money, etc. But with bills we take into account the impact it has on his salary and then on mine and basically do a fair tax type situation.
It works for us. I don’t think of it as paying him “rent” though. I’m just contributing to the bills like I will when we get married, as that’s only fair…
Post # 7
hrm this is tough. my fi and i split everything down the middle when it comes to the mortgage, groceries, water and electric bills, etc. he makes considerably more than me so i guess sometimes i feel like wtf?! its tougher on me than it is him but thats just how weve always done it and soon we will be married so i guess whats his is mine right? i do think that you should pitch in for the rent and other expenses. maybe figure it out so its even percentage wise for both your incomes. so if he makes triple what you make then he pays 2/3rds of the bills and you pay 1/3. i think thats fair to everyone. as far as the other little things like dinner and gifts, if he wants to then thats great! i wouldnt worry about that, but you shouldnt rely on him to pay for it (it sounds like you dont so yea) 🙂
Post # 8
First of all how much is the salary difference? After you get married, are you going to combine finances? My fiance bought a house and I live with him and we split everything 100% when it comes to living expenses, but we have comparable salaries. Where did the $650 a month come from? And are you getting a fair salary from him? You have a very unique situation and I think it would be easier to give advice with more details.
Post # 9
Wow…paying rent? to live with your boyfriend? I can see how your family would be appalled by this. I think it would be easier to swallow had you said you offered to pay something even though he could afford it. I can see you maybe buying the groceries or something other bill that you all share so maybe you won’t feel like you’re taking advantage but to actually say that he would make you pay rent to move in is a little hard to take. Most couples when they move in together share the expenses and because he’s very financially stable I can see how your family and friends think you should be completely taken care of. IMO your boyfriend is taking advantage of you. Inexpensive lunches, laptops and non-extravagent gifts are given on a daily from less than financially stable men to their girlfriends so someone that you call “rich” that’s making you for your half of the vacation, subway lunch, laptop is ridiculous to me. I don’t mean for any of this to sound mean but your boyfriend sounds seriously cheap and I’d think twice about moving in.
Post # 10
I don’t think you’re being taken advantage of at all and I would probably do the same thing if I were the one making significantly more money. With that being said, I moved into my FI’s house and am paying all of the utilities. My name is not on the mortgage, so I don’t think I should be contributing to that. I think it’s good that you’re paying because it shows him that you are also responsible with your money. I think it’s good all around.
Post # 11
la boome makes a good point about your parents/friends knowing both your and your FI’s personal financial situation. I think it should be between the two of you 🙂
I don’t know if it’s because I’ve supported my self since I was like 16/17 and am very private about exact numbers, but my parents nor friends have any business being in my finances.
Post # 12
personally, i like being able to pay my own way in life. i never wanted to be passed off from my parents to my husband, i wanted to be (and am) financially (and emotionally) independent on my own. when FI and i first started dating i was in my first job after grad school and there was a much bigger difference in our salaries; since then it has narrowed a bit. i’ve never let this dictate who pays for what though. he is naturally chivalrous and most times picked up the tab when we were out, but i made sure to balance this by doing all our grocery shopping, taking him on the occasional date, etc. at this point we are in the process of combining finances anyways so it doesn’t come up at all. it’s literally whoever has cash in their wallet or has their credit card most handy. we haven’t stopped splitting the rent yet but in the coming months we’ll set up a joint checking account and start paying from there.
as for your situation, if you are happy to pay rent then don’t let other people’s opinions dictate what you do. but if you’re not comfortable with the situation, i’d talk to your BF about it. you two should also consider what’s going to happen a year or two down the road, when you are engaged and then married. will you be combining finances? will you be paying rent when you’re engaged/married? i’d talk these things out with him so you know what to expect.
Post # 13
If the arrangement doesn’t bother you, then that’s what ultimately matters.
I, personally, would feel a bit strange paying my boss/boyfriend rent, given that my lack of money will always affect him and vice versa, but can understand why it might make some couples more comfortable.
My bigger concern would be finances after marriage. Have you guys talked about that at all?
Post # 14
I think that this is actually healthy given how you aren’t engaged yet. God forbid that you should break up but, if you do, you don’t want to be in the position of being financially depedent of him.
Post # 15
- Wedding: June 2010 - Indiana Memorial Union
I don’t think you should be paying his mortgage — your name isn’t on that title. I’d arrange to pay utilities or something.
Yes if I had a boyfriend who had a house and he wanted me to live with him, but then asked for rent money.. um no. I’ll contribute to what I use in terms of utilities, but I would not want to help pay a mortgage on a house I don’t own.
Post # 16
@ribbons: Oooo… That’s a good point about the mortgage and not being on the title.