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I understand to a point where you are coming from since my parents and I are not on the best terms. But I really think you should just give it sometime. You are hurt and upset right now. And see how things go. Also maybe talk to them about how you feel and what happened and maybe they will understand how you felt. Good Luck!
I can see why you are angry. I'd think about your decision in terms of risk. If I were to get angry at my dad and not have him walk me down the aisle, there is a big chance that I'd regret it later on. However, I can't see me ever regretting my father walking me down the aisle, even if I were angry at him. Then again, we have a good relationship, so maybe you feel differently.
don't forgot that not having your dad walk you down the aisle will make it apparent to everyone there that something is up. Especially since he is there and in your life. If you wanted to walk down alone that might be different. But subbing someone else would make a statement.
Is this the first time your brother has been home since he got back from iraq? Maybe it has a lot to do with the emotion of sending your child off to war?
I would let it pass. I think you'd regret it. Concentrate on the fact that they aren't second guessing all your decisions on planning!
I'd chill a little on the whole thing. For awhile, my FI's family was more psyched about him coming home from Iraq than our engagement. It was all about the welcome home, then it was like, "omg you're getting married now!"
They probably worried about him not coming home. So see what it's like once this big hullaballoo blows over. Their child coming home alive is probably a bigger deal than their other child getting married, which was probably something they forsaw anyways. Not that a congrats shouldn't have been over, but they are probably decompressing from the fact their son came home alive and safe. I think you should be more sensitive to the fact. YOur brother is probably not the a-hole anymore that he was before he left.
Don't let ONE circumstance not let you have your dad walk you down the aisle. That's a really big punishment for one situation that you're ticked about. COol down a little and then decide.
Interesting that you compare your situation to the prodigal son story. If you remember what happens in the story, the father was extremely happy to have the prodigal son come home because it was a son lost & then found. When the elder son (the son that stayed and toiled on the farm w/ the father all this time) complained why there was no banquet served for him all the time he's been working hard for the father while there was this elaborate banquet served for the son who squandered everything, the father said that.... you get the point.
Your family is probably content that you're on path of what they expect you to be & that's all very good. Just because they're very demure and don't express much of congratulations doesn't mean they're not happy for you. Ur parents may pay less attention to you because you and ur life are in a pretty good shape. Esp when the life and death of ur bro is constantly on their mind, they may naturally put any outward excitement 4 u on the backburner. If anything bad ever happens to you, I'm sure they'd be as worried and concern as they are to your brother & also exhilariated when you've recovered from whatever that is bad. Although u may not approve of ur bro, I'm pretty sure we'll understand if we had children of our own. Even if 1 of our children doesn't turn out to be a good child or whatever, it's impossible to love ur own child less than another child of ur own.
That being said, some ppl choose not to have their dad walk them down the aisle not because something is up; but for example, I won't be doing it because I dislike the origin of the tradition where women was treated like property to be given away.
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I think that right now, you're a little heated about the situation, and rightfully so. But, I have to agree with most of the other posters. When you look back at the day of your wedding and you didn't have your dad walk you down the isle, you're more likely to regret that than having him walk you down the isle. I haven't heard too many brides say that they regret that they let their dad walk them down the isle. I think you should just take some time to think about it and let things simmer down. Your brother is still their son, and nothing is more enriching than a lost child finally seeing the light and coming home. Soon enough, your parents will be psyched about the wedding and your dad will be so proud walking his daughter down the isle...so just give it a little time before you make your final decision.
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you're dad give birth to you and take care of you, if it weren't for him you wouldn't be here
I'd say let them know how hurt you were and keep your dad in the wedding. If he isn't responsive or mean, ask him whats up and what can change. If I were you, I'd be prepared to pay for the entire wedding without the family if you ask your dad not to walk you down. That's just how it goes.
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I think you hit the nail on the head when you called him the prodigal son. Right or wrong, that's pretty much how the story goes. Don't cut your dad out over this, I think you would regret it. Take some time away from the situation instead and then talk you your parents about it when it's not as raw.
Thanks for the advice all! I should have mentioned a couple of things:
1. I was considering not having my dad walk me down because I don't care for the idea of being "given away." My fiance and I make it a point to consider each other as equals. The only reason I was going to do it was because right after we got engaged my dad said he had the most important job of all - you guessed it, walking me down the aisle.
2. I have an okay relationship with him & my mom, but they are far from treating me like an adult or an equal. Although I know they love me and my fiance, they aren't interested in our wedding (but offered to help pay?) and typically when we see them they treat us like a couple of 15 year olds.
3. Yes, J. was in Iraq, but he was also a computer operator - not exactly on the frontlines. 90% of the males in my extended family have been or are in the military, so my parents believe that wipes out any wrongdoing.
I don't think parents should choose favorites, and I know that forgiving someone for being a jerk in the past is the right thing to do, but I don't think it gives them a right to snub the rest of us when a child they favor more shows up.
That being said - I appreciate all the advice. Forgiving and forgetting should be easier than this!
If you don't like the idea of your dad giving you away, that's one thing. But it sounds like it means a lot to him, so take that into consideration. Being a fairly forward-thinking woman myslef, I know giving me "away" is a humongo deal to my dad, so I'm going to be his little girl for those last 30 seconds that i'm allowed to be.
Maybe you need to talk to yur parnts about how they treat you. Emphasize you're obvoiusly an adult and the way they are treating you is not goign to be tolerated by you OR your husband. You're an adult and deserve to be treated like one and they do need to realize this.
Whether or not he was on the front lines is not an issue. My FI sat in an office all day. It still isn't an easy thing for a parent to deal with, but proably wasn't a big deal for you since he's your brother. My FI's mom weeped and cried and wailed when my FI came home. I've never seen her like that. It didn't matter that he sat in an office answering phones all day. It's a whole other situation when it's your own child that is over there, regardless of the actual danger factor.
What you think is them not "caring" about your wedding is possibly that they are just trying not to be overbearing? they want to pay and provide, but dont' want to step on your toes? Mine are the same way. Just throwing a perspective your way.
Ok time for the deep stuff that i was thinking about all day. Do you think they're really choosing favorites though? Is it possible, like someone said above, that they are just confident you are smart enough and capable enough that you don't need the coddling your brother does? I had to deal with this a little bit a few years ago when my brother got into some life problems. My mom fussed over him A LOT. Every little thing he did, she rushed to help him or save him, whereas if i talked about my upcoming engagement, it really wasn't a big deal. It was like I'd told her I was buying new shoes, not shopping for an E ring with my FI. to *me* it felt like they didn't give one way or another. But in their mind, they didn't see that. After he died, she explained it to me a little better about how sometimes you just "know" one of your children will always be ok (me), and the other one you can't help but smother because you instinctually know they need more help and guidance and it's your instinct to try to save them. She apologized for ignoring me, but after she explained herself and i took a step back and look at my brother's more difficult life compared to my wonderful one (i went to college, had a job, someone who loved me, and my brother struggled in many, many ways), I figured she had a valid point. Not sure if any of this is relevant to YOUR own life, but I can see where you are coming from and possibly what's goign on in your parents mind. Something to think about, anyways. I'm not sure if your brother has more issues than meets the surface, but that might be a factor, too. If you feel like it is more of a favoritism thing than anything i mentioned above, you should bring it up to them calmly, though. You shouldn't feel snubbed by your parents, ever, and they shouldn't treat you like less of a person. They may not realize they are doing it.
Appleblossom ,
I totally understand why you are upset, but you HAVE to let this go. It's not like your father is treating you badly at all - you just perceive them to be more excited about your brother. He is not their favorite, but as pren79 explained, this is how life works! The one who is most often the object is concern is naturally going to get more attention when your parents are sure that he's safe!
For your #1: AWWWW..that is so cute that your father said that! Don't diappoint him the same way that you feel you've been disappointed.
For your #2: You should consider it a blessing that they don't ask too many questions, but yet are willing to pay for 1/2! Seriously, it's nice for people to care, but it can be really overwhelming when people try to impose thier ideas on your wedding day. They may be trying to give you freedom to create your own special day.
For your #3: It doesn't matter what your brother did in Iraq; they are worried about him and even though he doesn't live up to certain expectations outside of the military, they cherish the few minutes they have with him.
Sooooo...I suggest maybe talking to your parents about how you feel. You can't expect them to change if they don't know how you feel. AND...I think your father should walk you down the aisle. :)
Best of Luck!
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Hi all,
Recently FI and I drove 650 miles to visit my parents for a short vacation at their home - only 2 days. When we got there, there were the usual hugs all around, but no mention congratulations or welcome to the family or anything like that. We've been engaged for 3 months, but this is the first we've seen them since the proposal. There was a "how are wedding plans going?" at dinner, but no discussion after I told them about a few things we'd done recently for planning. They are paying for about half of the wedding, so I kind of assumed they would want to at least know what is going on.
Fast forward to the next day (full day 1 of 2). Everything is good until my younger brother calls and announces that he is flying in for a surprise, but can't afford to rent a car so he needs my parents to come pick him up at the airport the next day... 4 hours away. Quick background on him: joined the military after high school, got married to a girl that hates our family and they both regularly tell us that we're a sorry excuse for a family (using loads of swear words). They call my parents about twice a year, don't pick up their phones or return calls, and have visited them twice in the last 5 years. However, he also served in Iraq for a year, which is noble, blah blah blah, but didn't call any of us for a month after he returned, and doesn't excuse him from being an a-hole.
So my parents go pick him up ditching FI & I, sis, other Bro (who drove 10 hrs to get there), other SIL and their two grandkids, to spend the day picking him u, while we're supposed to be calling everyone we know to have a welcome home party for him (oops, forgot to do that!). When they get home we have to take photos where beaming mom & dad crowd around their prodigal sonwho has finally returned, while the rest of us stand with them. The dinner prayer is "Thank you for J. coming home. Amen." (We didn't even get a congratulations!)
So my question is this: I'm pretty upset that the a-hole of the family gets a fiesta and we get nothing. My parents pretty much ignored us the rest of the time, especially my dad, even after I tried to hint that it was nice to have everyone there. I've been away from home & on my own for about 10 years, and after that fiasco, I don't think I want my parents giving me away. I know my dad is looking forward to it, but I am really really hurt by what they did. What do you think I should do?
Thanks for reading if you made it this far! :)