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Wow. This sounds like a really difficult decision. Personally, if it were me, I would leave her out. I think, for your own sake, it would cause more problems if you left her in and she didn't show up than if you omitted her name. Since the program usually includes those who are standing with you, people might wonder why her name is on there if she's not there. And, you don't need any naysayers at your own wedding! I think she might feel more guilty (if that is how you want her to feel) looking back and seeing that she WASN'T included.
That is a tough one. I would say if she isn't coming to the wedding not to put her in the program. Ppl are sure to ask where she is anyway, but I think putting her in the program would remind more ppl that she wasn't there. I wouldn't want to make your wedding day about the fact that she isn't there.
I know this is the ultimate optimist in me but...what if she does show up?
Can you make her an honorary MOH, that way you can have her in the program even if she's not there in person? I know that nothing could replace having her there, but would it make you feel a little better about things, or would it make it harder for you?
I'm sorry that this situation hasn't resolved itself :( I hope you are able to find peace in the unfortunate circumstances that present themselves.
Hug!
I'm so sorry to hear that you haven't heard from her yet.
If it were me, I'd leave her out - and, if she DOES show up, then you can always squeeze her in the wedding easily - and if that's the case - I'm sure the last thing she'll do is see the program (when I'm in the wedding party, I never see the program anyway!). It's really for your guests - and it will make her all the more noticeable for them, if she's listed.
Just from following your posts about your experience, this situation is pretty unique. I have to say that you have handled this situation with so much grace and patience - I know I would have written her off long ago. its so sad that she will be missing the day, but I think she will be there in your heart. I would keep her in the program.
Do your guests know the situation about your sister being MIA so that they won't start questioning why she isn't standing there?
good luck!
That is tuff...She has been MIA and couldn't really expect you to plan your wedding around her. She is married, so she must know what goes into planning a wedding. Hopefully it isn't something that she would bring up on the day and you could explain later. I am so sorry your sister is putting you through this.
Don't use it as a guilt trip for her. If you keep her in with that intention, if/when you guys work things out later, you'll regret it and your program will be a reminder of a "taking the low road" moment of your wedding. I dont think you want those going together. Also, be thoughtful of that when answering questions about where she is. Be happy, fib about a sudden whatever that kept her from coming, and deal with it privately later, or totally forget about it.
I personally would not put her in the program, but thats me. I think at this point it should be a family decision - just dont do anything you might regret later. Dont let her pull you down into a negative place on your wedding day.
Could you potentially do kind of a compromise and include something about her in the program, but not list her with all of the other attendants? Maybe put something along the lines of,
"To my best friend and my sister, distance may separate us, but in our hearts we're as close as ever. I know we will be thinking of each other today."*
If you decide to do this, I would just be careful to make sure the wording conveys that you wish she was with you and that it doesn't seem like a rememberance for someone that has passed on.
I wouldn't feel right about not mentioning my sister either if I were in the same circumstance... I just wouldn't want people to think she hadn't shown up when it seemed that she would, as leaving her in the program with the rest of the attendants might insinuate.
*Just an example... I don't know the exact circumstances of your situation with your sister so I am not exactly sure of what would and wouldn't be appropriate for you two.
Most people do know about the situation since it has been so traumatic for the whole family. I'm not sure how they'll react.
@frenchbulldog - Actually she ran off to the courthouse in Alabama and got married without telling any of us, so there was no wedding planning done. Sigh...
hmmm -- well I have every bit of faith that eventually she will come back into your life. Whether its by the wedding, who knows. I guess I'm wondering what would be worse to come back to: a program with my name there when I wasn't (This would make me feel worse about leaving in the first place) or a program with my name missing (This would make me feel like I had been forgotten or disregarded).
I think I would want to be remembered - forgiven not forgotten. Does this make any sense?
My sister was my MOH and the only one standing with me. I can imagine how special your sister must be to you. How far in advance are you planning to have the programs done? With a little over a month left, maybe there's time to find out for certain whether she will be able to make it before finalizing the programs. If not, then Honorary MOH sounds like a possible solution.
I wish you the best!
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I just got a message from her husband saying they aren't coming to the wedding.
I'm crushed.
I thought I had come to grips with it, but I haven't. I still cant' believe she would do that to me.
Now it seems more than ever that she should be out of the program, right?
My heart just isn't willing to give in and admit that she won't be there...
Personally, if she's not actually THERE, I would not include her in the program. You could mayeb call her an "honourary MOH" or an "MOH in spirit" or something, if you really wanted to include her. But since the program is supposed to be a reflection of who is standing up for you and supporting you there...the most I would do would be to include a short note after you listed the rest of the wedding party and say "We are honoured to have our honourary MOH (name)'s support from afar today, as she could not be here in person", or something like that.
But honestly, I probably wouldn't do that, because I'd be mad. You made her your MOH, and she's not even making an effort to come to your wedding. I wouldn't include her in the program.
I'm sorry to hear that your sister won't be there... and I agree... I think given the confirmation that she won't be there, she shouldn't be listed in the program as a MOH.
If you still feel like including her, the honorary MOH or short note mentioning her might be a way to do it... my heart really goes out to you though. I'm so sorry to hear she won't be there.
I've been following your posts and your story about your sister, and I'm so sorry to hear that her husband let you know that they won't be coming to the wedding. Just a quick, unrelated question...does he not allow you to have contact with her, or is it her choice to not have contact with you? This is such an unfortunate situation, and I really feel for you.
With that said, I do like tbrooke's idea of perhaps just mentioning her in your program. I'm sure she'll be thinking of you on your day and perhaps she's just as torn up about this as you are, but her husband won't let her show it? Sorry, I'm a little fuzzy around those details. At least if years later, you do reconcile and she sees your programs, she'll know that you never stopped thinking about her even for one day. Ultimately, it's up to you to do what you think is best, but I'm with the bees who suggest just mentioning her fondly. Best of luck and hopefully she comes around.
@mlkeysock: I wish I knew if her not speaking to us is her choice or not. I have no idea. She won't return our phone calls, emails, texts, etc except on very rare occasion. It makes us wonder if he allows her access to her phone and computer. I wish I could figure out what she was thinking. I agree with what you said about letting her know we have never stopped thinking of her. That's how I feel. But I wonder if the program is the right place to make that statement...especially since my FI and other MOH don't agree with having her in there...sigh.
Are you featuring any photographs of you with family members at the wedding or reception? Maybe you could make sure to include one with her and you together... that way you could still include her, but not in as public of a statement as putting it in the program... just a thought.
Sorry for commenting so much... I just, as I said before... my heart's really with you and I just want you to be able to find something that will give you a little peace of mind about how to handle including her in the wedding somehow.
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Hmm...I wonder if he really is that controlling and just won't allow her access to you guys. I'm guessing that's the case, and he might be feeding her lines about how clearly her family doesn't care about her (brainwashing her in a sense). My heart goes out to you in this situation. You don't want to offend those who HAVE been there for you, but you also want to make sure that she knew she was thought of often. I'm sorry that I don't have much other advice than to follow your heart and what you feel is right. This is your sister, and she was your best friend...I know that what's been going on has hurt terribly, but it still doesn't change the fact that you love her very much. And if it means that much to you, then explain that to your FI, and hopefully he'll understand your wishes to mention her in the program somewhere...even if it's at the end or on the back, or in the "special intention" section...
Wow, I'm so sorry this is still going on. I cna't imagine the hard times you guys must be going through with dealing with this. But with that said, let's all hope that this is a temporary thing and she will find her way back home eventually. In the future, when you're tlaking about your weddding day, even if she wasn't there - you will want her there in spirit ... I would put her on the program and as tbrooke said try to have at least one photo of her on display so you can look at it and think of the happier times. Best wishes with this!
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Well I guess since you know she won't be there, I'd leave her out of the list of attendants. Are you putting anywhere a note of those who have passed away or can't be there? Maybe you could include her there?
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I have posted on this before, but my sister/MOH has been MIA since January. I asked her to be my MOH on December and she accepted. But the last I heard from her was an email in February. Today is six months since she ran off.
I've had very limited contact with her new husband, and he seems to indicate they won't be coming to the wedding. My other sister/MOH has been busting her tail, making sure everything is perfect for my wedding and making sure she makes up for my other sister.
I still want to put my MIA sister in the program as my MOH too. She is my best friend, and I always imagined her standing up with me at my wedding. While I don't think she will actually show, part of me someday wants her to look back at that program and be upset with herself for missing it.
My mom wants to keep her in the program - my FI and MOH think I should leave her out.
What would you do?