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It sounds like he's just stressed out. I'd cut him a little slack. I don't think it's a big issue.
BTW....I think I did a good job lightening the situation (unusual for me), because I started laughing about it, hugged and kissed him, and said: "Honey, it's all going to be fine, we're going to have a great wedding and get tons of $$ and have an awesome, beautiful honeymoon....baby, lighten up.."
I gotta give myself credit for that. I am clearly making an effort at lightening up, and he needs to do the same.
Sounds like he's flying off the handle. I would probably try and take a wedding break and just not talk about details and planning for a little while. He may be overwhelmed. Why did he throw it up on the website without discussing it with you anyway? Maybe take some time to regroup as a couple and reopen the communication.
I think everyone loses their cool at some point in wedding planning, even over things that might not seem like a big deal. The whole process is highly stressful, especially when outsiders are involved and you are trying to appease them.
I don't think it is anything "significant" that should alarm you, but you should speak to him about it so no one is harboring resentment over something so small. It sounds like he is most perturbed that your mom seemed to get the final say in an area that should really only involve the two of you. So in the future I might suggest approaching him while letting him know that it is YOUR idea, and that you aren't trying to eliminate something he likes because of what someone else thinks.
You might try speaking only for yourself and not introducing your mom's opinion into it. That might keep her out of your marriage a little more and help you two deal with disagreements more easily.
It sounds to me like he's just stressed. I'd try to talk to him about it later, but I wouldn't worry too much about it.
He sound really into helping plan the wedding and may be stressed out by everything also. Maybe you should both agree on letting each other know/ run things by each other before doing anything wedding related. Im getting the feeling he did this without your knowing.
My darling bees, I haven't read through all your replies YET, but before I do, I wanted to clarify that yes, he and I did make the decision about the honeymoon thing weeks ago, and I think it was bugging him that I seemed to "change my mind" and "take my mom's opinion over his" after we had made this decision.
If that makes a difference.
And I don't know how many of you saw my recent threads of the past week---he basically almost ended our engagement and we had a very bad week of not talking, him being mean, me holding back tears...
And I totally agree that we need a break from wedding detail discussions, but my mom brought it up today, I was visibly annoyed by it, and so there we went...
Ok, i'm going to read your replies now.
Honestly, I think your FI needs to stop making wedding plans for right now. It's kind of getting in the way of you guys fixing your problems, because if you are having doubts, he's just taking offense and trying to avoid an argument.
I'd stop planning the wedding until next week, tell him that you're sorry if it sounded like it was "mom meddling" but that since she's a guest and others might find it bad/whatever, you thought you two should talk about it. And then tell him you'll talk about it next week, when the planning resumes.
Good luck1
Laboroflove, it had been my/our plan to just take a freaking break from the wedding plans. But then my mom called and the topic was brought back up. Knowing the way my FI is, I don't even want to bring the honeymoon registry UP to say any of what you recommended, until we really do just move past this heavy week by just *being* together...and it may not even be worth it to bring up again at all, if we really are going to keep it a small issue that isn't worth an argument.
Please be careful with FI right now. You guys just almost called off the wedding - is a honeymoon registry really worth discussing? In prior threads, you mentioned that you prefer to talk things out whereas he doesn't. This looks like just another example of this. Maybe sometimes you can work on getting him to talk about things more, but this is not that time.
I'm a little confused as to why you would start these types of discussions with him after just having come back from the brink of a break up. I know your mom called and your were emotional, etc, etc, but you need to control yourself if you want the wedding to happen at all.
@girl "you need to control yourself if you want the wedding to happen at all.." Wow, that's kind of harsh. I don't think anyone should ever have to "control" who they are for someone to love them. If he loves her, he'll accept that she slips up sometimes, but that she's working on it.
@joy i see where you're coming from. I'd just let it all go then, don't let it bother you. Work out or do something to get past it, and feel better!
@Labor, thanks for your support and understanding. @Girl, I didn't take your advice in a bad way, and I appreciate your support too.
@Girl, I definitely see your point...if we just came off of such extreme discussions, it isn't the best timing to bring up a potential conflict...which is EXACTLY why it stressed me out so much when my mom brought it up.
I don't take it so much as "controlling" who I am as a person, as controlling my impulse to vent about something at the wrong time, instead of waiting, thinking about it on my own, and discerning a better time to discuss something.
We have compromised and made good joint decisions jointly before about wedding plans...The following list is for my own sanity, so bear with me:
Wedding party
Registry...he made a big "oh, we don't need to register!" fuss, but in the end, he didn't stop me from registering for what I wanted.
The photographer
The wedding "logo"
Blah blah blah...
Although your mom had brought it up and it upset you, it probably wasn't the best time for you to bring it up with him. I think that, (not having read your other posts this week) you should learn a)to pick your battles and b)know when to bring them up. Talking to him when you are still upset about what your mom said was probably not the best time to bring it up. I know one of the bees (Mary Jane I believe?) Set aside one night a week to talk about wedding stuff with her FI so he didn't feel like he needs to talk about wedding stuff all the time.
When you approach him about stuff try to separate how YOU feel about something from what you think he feels, what your mom feels, etc. Concentrate on using "I statements" and taking responsibility for your self. Ask him how he feels. Open up the dialogue in a way that he feels like you are open to what he has to say. This does wonders for minimizing conflict.
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In light of the TURMOIL of last week between me and my FI, I'm not sure how to take this...
So FI put up a "honeymoon registry" on our wedding website.
Today my mom called me and said it was tacky, we might not get as much $$ as if it wasn't up there, and she's not crazy about it.
This stressed me out, because I don't want another potential argument with FI about anything wedding-related. But he saw that I was stressed and asked why, so I asked him: "How attached are you to the honeymoon registry?"
He said he liked it. I said my mom doen't, and I "might agree with her."
He got up, went to the computer, and deleted the registry from the website, while I was going: "Wait, wait, let's talk about it later."
He said: "No. I'm taking it down. I'm avoiding an argument. Done. Just let me do it and I'll get over it." So he took it down.
This kind of freaked me out, because I want to be totally on board before we make decisions, and I think he did it out of frustration at my mom's "meddling," instead of being really happy with it.
Mostly what bugs me, though, is that I wasn't 100% I wanted him to take it down. I basically said I wasn't sure, and that I "might agree with my mom about it."
I told him: "I agree, I also don't want to argue about this. But there's more than one way to avoid an argument."
He also said: "Your mom might always have opinions about what we do, but we're not always going to just go along with whatever she wants."
I said, "Of course not."
So....is this really just not a big deal, and not worth me fretting over? Or is it significant that he lost his cool over it so quickly...?
Ugh, I just don't want to argue, ESPECIALLY about wedding plans. Neither one of us does, and I think that's why he did that--he figured: "Just going along with what my future MIL says is easier and less stressful than arguing with my future wife over this."
OK, deep breath..........I do really hope this is a small, not a big issue, and that he is capable of simply talking things out. Maybe I need to make a list in my mind of all the times he has compromised over things without arguments resulting, to remind myself that he is not an impossible person.
Help!! Opinions, please!!!