(Closed) should we cancel? or just let it go?

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Wow — that is a dilemma. 

My fi and I were planning the wedding ourselves, and realized that we’d worked ourselves into a situation that neither of us were happy with, but it seemed to be the easiest… And we cancelled that.

We figured we’d rather have to spend more to make it what we want (and have guests we want to be there), then let it become what everyone else wants.

Can you sit down with your parents and tell them that you’re not happy with the party that they’re planning, and that you’d rather have something very small on your own budget than do what they want?

I feel for the future Mr., and I just think it is the joining of the 2 of you, and the party should be what YOU BOTH want.

Good luck! 

Post # 4
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2010

*hugs!* Poor thing! I know that a lot of people jump to conclusions when they hear a parent is paying for the wedding, but it’s so hard to say no sometimes when they just offer to help out and then begin making demands.

This is a really hard problem, and I think the first thing you should do is sit down and make a list with your fiance about everything you hate about what is happening. Is there anything there that you can change? Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself.

Next I would take all the things that I can’t change without my parents and divide them into extremely important and just annoying. Take the extremely important list to your parents, with your fiance, and say "We love you and appreciate everything you are doing for us, but there are some things about the wedding that are making us both very unhappy and we would like to change them".

If they continue to say no, perhaps suggest to them that they cancel the wedding they have planned and you and your fiance will take over with planning a less expensive and more "you" event.

I hope that helps in some way!

Post # 5
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

I’m sorry you are unhappy.  I can understand taking a step back and thinking, this hasn’t come together the right way.  A few thoughts:

1.  The wedding is so close.  Have people made arrangements to come from out of town?   Have people put (or will put) money into a shower for you?  Do you have a bridal party who will be out money now?  If you are answering yes, I think you should just have the wedding.  It’s not like you are canceling because of major arguments with your FI, and you think you’re not meant to be married to each other.  And while  I can empathize that somehow a situation gets out of control before you realize it, but you did originally agree to it.

2.  If you got married where you wanted (where you live now), would anyone be there?  It sounds like for most of your family, it would in essence be a destination wedding.  Do you care?  Do you think that having the wedding in a les than perfect venue can be consoled by the fact that so many loved ones will be there to witness it?

3.  You should be happy on your wedding day.  Doyou think there is something you can do to the current venue to make it better?  I’m not sure how much money factors in.  But if your parents are paying for the majority of it, maybe it frees up some money for decorations.  (Or if nothing else, more money for a fabulous honeymoon.)

Congratulations on your wedding.  Good luck.

 

Post # 6
Member
229 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018 - Our home and the two acres it sits on

I think I have a different perspective than previous posters, though I totally agree with the factors they brought up.

You know, while it would be nice for a wedding to be a reflection of "us" as a couple, the reality is that it’s just a celebration of our union.  Have you seen "My Big Fat Greek Wedding"?  My favorite part of the movie is after they get married and are in the limo, she starts ripping crazy flower things off her dress and wiping makeup off of her face, and she and her new husband are giggling and laughing.

That moment comes back to me every time I get frustrated with details that just aren’t what I want them to be – at the end of the day, literally, you will be married to someone that you love and choose to meld your life with.

It can still be great, special and fun if you allow it to be, and don’t dwell on the fact that your invites aren’t what you like and that you’re not a fan of your dress.  Someday, you can tell your kids all about how ridiculous your wedding was, and you’ll all laugh.

Calling it off will cause much drama, some of which you’ll never recover from.  You can cancel and try to start over, but you can’t – you can’t erase people’s memories, and you’ll have to fix the relationship with your parents afterward.  Are the details of one day really worth all of that?

So I’d suggest making this a bit of an inside joke with your fiance.  Instead of getting angry, think of it as your own personal joke.  Every time something crazy and totally ridiculous happens, retreat together and have a laugh.  The people around you love you and while they may drive you nuts, they’re your people.

… my two cents, anyway.

Post # 7
Member
7082 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

I just wanted to say that I would give you a hug if I could.  It sounds like all of this got away from you and your fiance somehow, and now has a life of it’s own.  Is there a way to salvage some aspects that will be meaningful to you?  Are your parents willing to give on anything?

One of my friends just got married, and it became her mom’s show.  She (like you) tried to figure out how to salvage things, but decided in the end it was going to make too many waves, and let her mom do what she wanted.

Next year she and her husband are going to have a private "vow renewal" with just friends.  I think Manic Spider has some great suggestions.

I’m wishing you the best.  Please keep us updated!

Post # 8
Member
7054 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

How about a unique twist "your way?"  This is risky, but could work..would have to be your little secret between the two of you.

Maybe a few weekends before (like 2 weeks), have a private ceremony and officially marry your way.  How Mr. Mexican Guy and Ms. Mexican girl would want it!  And have a romantic overnighter to celebrate?  Have a talk with your minister/officiant/priest or just maybe run off and do it with the justice of the peace!

I’d definitely go on with the wedding, but have one thing that’s YOUR secret together..maybe it’s eloping in secret, maybe it’s doing a vow ceremony that’s NOT legal but just the way you two would want it exactly.

Just find a small way to make Mr. Mexican Guy and Miss Mesican Girl the happiest couple on earth..and find a way to make you both gushing with happiness on your big day..trust me, the wedding will be joyous and it will make your families so happy.  Meanwhile find out what is the "thing" that will bring you two together and make your hearts sing!

Post # 10
Member
126 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

Oh no how stressful!!  Did you guys think about having a smaller reception in your hometown with close friends and family?  You guys can set it up and pay for it.  Then that way you can still have the wedding your parents want and have a reception that you guys want??  Hope everything turns out awesome…and remember you’re getting MARRIED to your MAN so just sit in the thought =)

Post # 11
Member
126 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

Hmm K I realized my post didn’t make sense!!  What I meant was for you guys to pay for a SEPARATE mini reception that you guys can plan all by yourselves.  Not cancel the one that’s already planned.  That way you get the best of both worlds.  Sorry for the confusion hope that makes sense!  I have a lot of friends who live in Vancouver but have a lot of family in Toronto so they just chose one city to do there ceremony and reception in and then they would fly to the other city and have another reception for their family and friends there.  It would be the same idea!  Guests would love a 2nd party anyways =)

Post # 12
Member
700 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I am feeling for you! 

One (drastic) option for your situation would be for you and your FI to figure out what budget the two of you could come up with (including what it would take to get your parents’ deposits back) and say "Thanks, but no thanks" for their reservations.  The budget may be smaller without your parents’ contribution, but it would be your wedding.   

Or go be totally spontaneous and elope somewhere beautiful and romantic!

Post # 13
Member
229 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018 - Our home and the two acres it sits on

I forgot to mention, I LOVE Merida!!  Love.  LOVE.  I so wish I could go back again.

Post # 15
Member
1423 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Woo hoo!  I love a happy ending.  Glad you’re feeling better.

I think Miss Cheese is right on this one — it’s just a new wedding industry thing that your wedding is supposed to express your ‘individuality as a couple’.  Just a way to sell you more stuff… 

At least it sounds like your family is really supportive and just really wants to celebrate with you (and the whole town, strangers off the street and all).  Congrats!

 

Post # 16
Member
48 posts
Newbee

I agree with Cheese. A wedding is just one day of your life. A marriage is a lifetime.

You and your man should be able to withstand anything that comes against you because growing old together means you both stick to each other no matter what. This is just a little glitch in your lives and when you do grow old together, you will both just look back on how irrelevant it was to get upset over this when there is more to your relationship than just a wedding.

Good luck on your wedding day.

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