Post # 1
DH and I have some friends we are very close to, P and K. They are a couple and are getting married April next year.
They are getting married on a budget – and when I say budget, I mean they really don’t want to spend money on anything. They are only inviting 15 people, she will get her dress from ebay, they will have a reception at a mid-level restaurant and are getting married in the early morning as the celebrant is cheapest at that time. They have asked to borrow my Lexus as the transport and K isn’t going to get her hair and makeup done (she is gorgeous but a tomboy and the only makeup she owns I bought as a present for her.)
They were going to have her cousin take photos but once they decided on a small wedding they felt it would be rude to invite him and not his family, especially as he is only invited as they want him to take the pictures.
DH and I thought that we could pay for the photography as a wedding present. We haven’t mentioned anything to them yet but have started getting quotes and gathering information on different photographers.
Part of me really wants to do this for them, as I love them and I know that K really wants to have a beautiful wedding but part of me thinks that it is not our responsibility.
P & K are very different to us when it comes to money. P has a big inheritance (six figures) that he is going to put towards a house, so it isn’t like he doesn’t have money but they live very frugally (nothing wrong with that!!!). DH is very successful and they sometimes seem a bit funny with how much money we have. For example, they make comments about how expensive my car was and how we are yuppies. P also seems very proud when it comes to money – and I am worried that by offering, we are going to offend him. I think K will be thrilled, but she also seems to expect that because we are well off that we should spend a decent amount of money on their wedding. She has never said this outright, but has hinted towards it.
Post # 3
I wouldn’t do this. It sounds like they have the money for a photographer, they’re just choosing not to spend it. If K really wants photography, she should work it out with P. Also, it rubs me the wrong way that they are planning a super-budget wedding and have hinted to you that they expect a big gift from you after already borrowing your car for transportation. I’d put like $100 in a card and call it a day on that one.
Post # 4
@cmbr: Yeah.. I see what you mean. I get the feeling K feels that way as we went to a wedding for some mutual friends a few months back and DH and I gave them $200. P & DH were talking about water taxis and DH offered to pay for a water taxi for their wedding and P said no, it is too expensive and k said “it is only $200, they gave (mutual friends) that much for their wedding”. It seems like she thinks because we are closer we should give them more.
Post # 5
I don’t like that either…. I think they have the money to do it. Yes it’d be nice of you, but I personally would let them pick their own. I’d do as UberClaire said and give $75-100 in a card and call it a day. Especially since they are borrowing your car.
Post # 6
- Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo
After your second update, it totally sounds like K is expecting more from you! If P can afford the nicer wedding elements that K (presumably) wants, it’s totally not your responsibility to contribute. I mean if you genuinely want to, that’s one thing and you should go for it, but if any part of this rubs you the wrong way, treat this as a normal wedding guest.
Post # 7
I’m thinking that perhaps the safest and best course of action would be for you and your husband to determine an amount that you believe would be an appropriate monetary gift for these friends and then give it to them soon in a card. You could include a note that explains that you wanted to give them their wedding gift early so that they would have the opportunity to spend it in any way they wish, perhaps toward something for the wedding or honeymoon or in any other way they would like.
Post # 8
I know everybody does things differently, but my system is that I give the same amount at every wedding I go to, no matter how close I am to them or if they have a cash bar or if I had to drive six hours and stay in a hotel, etc. The only time I increase the amount is if it’s the wedding of a family member. If $200 is your standard, that’s *exactly* what I’d give this couple, especially since they seem to think that you owe them something. I can’t even imagine talking about what I think people should give me, haha. If they want photography they can pay for it themselves! (Also, I don’t know how much photographers cost in your area, but knowing how much I paid, that would be a ridiculously generous wedding gift)
Post # 9
Another thought: I think the reason this situation bothers me so much, is that I’ve experienced it with my own family. My parents are better off than some of their relatives and friends, and they’re incredibly generous. Over the years, there have been many situations where I’ve felt that my parents were taken advantage of by people who could have afforded what they wanted, but decided to try to get my parents to pay because, “why not? they can afford it!” Ugh. I just get really bothered by people who feed off of the generosity of others.
Post # 10
I agree with @cmbr: , even if you guys are very close this would kinda rub me the wrong way.
Post # 11
I think this is something that is between P&K. I don’t think K really thinks you should give them more but I do think she is using you guys to try and get a few things for her wedding because P doesn’t seem to want to spend the money.
I think P & K need to really talk about finances before getting married. Maybe you could talk to K and ask if everything is ok because you have noticed that they don;t seem to be on the same page about wedding spending.
And I think you should gift them whatever you are comfortable gifting them but I don;t think paying for vendors for their wedding is a good gift. It would probably be more useful to be honest about what cash gift you might give them and then that way they can decide to spend money on something they were not going to.
Post # 12
I agree with everyone else. It seems like they can afford it, they are just choosing not to have a photographer for whatever reason.