- 6 years ago
- Wedding: May 2013
My FI is Italian and his family has always expected a huge Italian wedding. Whether or not this is what he actually wants is VERY hard to decipher because he doesn’t want to disappoint his mom. In fact, until recently he had been insisting he really wanted communion at our ceremony because HE wanted it (even though we’re not practicing and other than weddings, neither of us has been to church in over 3 years) but he recently admitted that it was in fact because his mother wanted it and he didn’t want to disappoint her. That being said, I’m having a hard time figuring out what he really wants vs what he wants for his mom. Basically his mom’s idea of a wedding is completely different from mine and so he is “stuck in the middle” and while I am more than happy to give him what HE wants, I don’t want to give in just because of what she wants.. so finding out what he really wants is crucial… but nearly impossible 🙁
My parents are paying for the wedding. My dad has given us a budget of 35k, including food, drink, photographer, etc… FILs have given us nothing. My dad was expecting a much more intimate wedding (100 ppl or less) as that is what I had always dreamed of, but with my FI’s big Italian “family” we’re now at 250. Due to the “mandatory” open bar and “mandatory” midnight buffet, etc etc etc that is expected of us, we are stuck at a venue that I absolutely hate. hate hate. with the fire of a thousand suns, hate.
We really want to upgrade our house in about 3 years, and have been planning on staying within what my parents are giving us for the wedding so that everything we get from the wedding in terms of money, can go into savings for the new down payment. This wedding seems to be spiraling out of control, despite the fact that I am doing most our decor by myself (the decorator is just for the backdrop, lighting and ceiling… the venue is hideous, this is really really necessary). At this point we are looking at 15-20k over budget
I’m getting uncomfortable. As a couple we agreed on the midnight buffet, decorator, dinner entertainment and cocktail hour. Everything else was just kind of expected and happened without much discussion. I tried to suggest to my FI that maybe we could just do a fun, very heavily appetized reception.. but then have a sit down cake serving for our entertainment so theres still the sense of community… and he flat out rejected it.. giving no reason other than It’s not a wedding then! words of his mother, no doubt.
I don’t know what to do, other than suggest postponing the wedding so that we can afford all the elaborate stuff he wants… but I’m hurt that the whole point of it being a day about our love has been lost. It seems like the point is to get others as drunk/full as possible… on my parents dollar. This is now impacting money we had planned to save for our future so we can have a family. It’s really stressing me out. It has come so far from a small beach wedding I had always dreamed of.. and is now basically a circus. I’m happy with the things we agreed on together, without outside influence, but hate hate hate all the extra crap. Even if I postpone it I feel that it will stil be just as messy, and I just can’t see justifying spending 50k on one freaking day!!!
I’m so sad, and so depressed. I just want us to have a fun day with our friends and family.. which is what FI said he wanted too… but the expenses are adding up, we can’t cut our photographer, or DJ, or any of those things… the food and beverage costs ALONE are 35k… which is making me so uncomfortable. I’m tired of arguing and trying to be logical and reasonable, I’m tired of being the only one looking at the budget, and I’m tired of his mom whispering in his ear and telling him how things “should” be done. I’m drained, I’m hurt, I’m just ready to head to city hall and be done with it. But that won’t even be an option with FI.
When did weddings stop being about the couple getting married?!