(Closed) Should we postpone the wedding.. or…..? (sorry, it's long)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I am so sorry for you! I was so sad reading this because i can sense how frusterated you must be….im in a bit of a similar boat with trying to please my FI’s Mother…. i say sit your FI down and have a serious talk with him about the realistic costs of this wedding and tell him that unless his parents are willing to contribute to the wedding that it will be done the way your 35k budget can handle. Thats it!

Post # 4
Member
34 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2012

OP I know exactly how you feel.  When I was planning my wedding, I had so many demands from both sides of the family and neither side wanted to pay for what the other wanted, it was such a pain. In my case, both sides was splitting everything 50/50, but since your parents are paying for everything, I think you need to put your foot down and set some limits. If they aren’t paying, they do not get as much say, that should be the way it is.  Make it clear to your fiance that while you are more than willing to work with him and his family of certain compromises, there is a budget and you cannot accommodate everything that they’re requesting.

Is it possible for your to cut down the guest list? For my wedding, it was actually my family that wanted a ridiculous guest count of 200, but I told my mom she was getting 100 and no more.  She was extremely unhappy about that at first, but eventually got over it when we made it clear that the number was not allowed to change.  I also did not give my family any control over the invitations and kept a count of how many were being sent out to make sure we didn’t go over that number. 

As for the rest of the “mandatory” things, I would definitely talk to FI and ask him which is more important to his family and work with him on figuring out the best compromise.  Maybe you can do the open bar but take out the midnight buffet?  Just remember to stand your ground and make it clear that this is your wedding, not his mom’s and you are doing your best to make compromises so that both sides are happy.  It might be hard and they may see you as the bad guy, but just keep in mind that this is your day and not theirs. 

 

Post # 6
Member
4194 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

Remember what FI’s counselor said- “FI I understand you don’t want to disappoint your mother, but this is not her wedding day it is Mayflowerbride13 and yours. By choosing to make your mother happy you are making your bride very unhappy. Your alliance must be with your bride. This does not take away from the relationship you have with your mother or anything she has done for you in the past, but you need to recognize that your bride/wife will be your future and she is the one taking care of you now.”

Have you and FI ever sat down and said- “this is what I want from our wedding day?” DH and I did that upfront, and prioritized what was important to us. There’s no reason to go into debt for a wedding. If you want 100 people, you can give 50 guests to your side, 50 to FI’s side. The budget your parents gave you is very generous for 100 guests- you can have an *amazing* wedding for that.

FI needs to stand up to his mother/stand up for you. Marriage isn’t about the wedding day, it’s about the commitment of two people, and making a new family. 

Have the two of you sat down together with FMIL and told her NO?

Post # 7
Member
9609 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2018

definitely sit down with your FI and talk and explain that unless his parents contribute they DON’T get a say! it is you and your FI’s day, not theirs! definitely cut your guest list, that will help your budget a lot. 

Post # 8
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Oh my dear, I feel you! My FI is Croatian and their weddings are typically 500-700 people and its a circus which I think people do for the money. Which is why FI and I VITO’d the big wedding ( my parents are also paying…not his…thats a whole ‘nother story!)and are doing an intimate 80 person, immediate family ( no cousins! ) and closest friends only. People are going to be bitter and upset that theyre not coming..but its not about THEM, which I think we forget sometimes…its about you and your fiance.

 

Good luck

Post # 11
Member
9609 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2018

@mayflowerbride13:  ok, if they won’t cut- they need to contribute, and find a venue you love that will accommodate the size! you should NEVER have to get married in a venue you hate!

Post # 13
Member
915 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Maybe you need to tell him that you’re so frustrated and confused that you’re wondering if you all shouldn’t wait to get married. But I agree with one of the previous posters that you need to make it clear that you understand wanting to do things that his family expects (maybe instead of putting it all on his mom, say “family”) but that you all can’t afford to do all those things, and that your vision of the wedding was different than this, and you feel like you can’t get a handle on what his vision is. Ask him what things are most important to him to have, and dicuss what is most important to you, and then determine, together, what you need to have happen at your wedding. 

He’s likely not wanting to discuss the wedding because he knows it upsets you, and he doesn’t want to feel like he’s in the middle of his mother and you. And I agree that you are his future, and he needs to be more worried about your feelings, but I think it will be an easier road for you if you can somehow avoid setting it up as a battle between the two of you.

Post # 14
Member
2874 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

i feel for you, where i live in mexico weddings are often circuses with every one couple or family have ever met…400 people isnt uncommon. i had to make the contraversial decision (with fi’s backing of course) to not have the wedding in his hometown, as my dream is to have a wedding day where i actually know who the guests are. so i stayed firm on 100 people

i would talk to fi, discussing what you both want and what are extras. i dont think people need a midnight buffet if they have had a full meal – maybe that makes me cheap, but so be it! also, maybe you can limit the types of alcohol – beer, wine and soft drinks rather than an open bar with spirits (could add a signature cocktail). 35k for food and drink is huuuuuge.

I think your biggest problem isnt what his mother wants – its the extent to which your fi is listening to her =( as much as i believe in respecting the inlaws, if you dont nip this in the bud now you’re going to have a nightmare when she decides how you should raise your children (if you choose to have any). i would emphasise to him you dont want to postphone and the most important thing about the day is celebrating your love – not a big fancy party.

i cant believe theyre so demanding yet not contributing. sheesh.

Post # 15
Member
5755 posts
Bee Keeper

Why is what HE wants more important than what YOU want? I’ll never get the bending over backwards to make everyone happy but myself train of thought. You have to learn to say NO…and mean it.

His family will get over it, but if they don’t, what will they do? Disown him? Refuse to come at all?

Can your Mom & Dad intervene and have a get together with all 6 of you to hash this out?

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