Post # 1
Hey ladies! It’s been a few days since I’ve been on the boards since my wedding was this past Friday (yay!) but there was one thing that has been bothering me since the big day and I thought I would turn to the bees for some advice. Let me first say that my MIL is a great lady. She is super sweet, and has been a good friend to me since I’ve been with her son. Her husband, my DH’s step father is a nice guy, but is very reserved and a little uptight.
Now, I know I will risk coming off as super greedy when I say this, but they didn’t get us any sort of gift, card, anything for the wedding. I am a little bit hurt. I know that you aren’t supposed to expect gifts or anything at weddings and that they are a courtesy from the guest, but I was shocked that they didn’t even give us a card or anything. I thought that was a bit odd. Am I weird/selfish for thinking this?
They are pretty wealthy people and had originally offered to help with the wedding. They never did. The only financial assistance we got was from my parents (who have far less money than my in-laws) I was okay with this because the bride’s family traditionally pays for the wedding anyway. However, I was a bit annoyed that my MIL offered to help with the wedding, but never did. Anyway, I at least thought they would get us a card or something. I mean, they are pretty well off, it wouldn’t have been unreasonable to expect.
The only thing I can think of is that maybe they aren’t really that supportive of our relationship. They are of the LDS faith and my husband and I aren’t. We are both former members and now no longer follow the religion. I know they weren’t super happy when my guy stopped going, and probably weren’t super happy that he picked someone to marry who also doesn’t believe in the church. I am honestly a little hurt that they didn’t even make any sort of effort, and my husband is upset too. He mentioned that he might say something to them about it. What do you guys think? Should we say something or just let it go?
Post # 3
That is touchy subject, kinda going through the samething. My FIL’s gave their 1st son and now wife 10,000.00 but haven’t offered a cent to us. I have complained about it to my mom who works at the same place as my FMIL and just kinda said this is what we are paying for , this is what they have left to pay for, and my FMIL was just like ok. Anyways to get to my point I understand you are upset I would be too, but if anyone is going to say anything I think it should be your husband. Or maybe just try and let it go because it is over and done with. It doesn’t change the fact that you two are MARRIED! and that is the important thing.
Post # 4
I wouldn’t make any comments to them at all. I would be hurt as well, but it’s not worth bringing up. They choose not to give you guys a gift, bringing that up is going to make it akward and possibly cause tension in your relationship.
Just enjoy being with you new husband. As long as the wedding is paid off, it doesn’t matter.
Congrats on getting married!
Post # 5
That is pretty weird, and I would be hurt too. Did your MIL get you anything for your bridal shower? Maybe she thought that was your gift. Also, my cousin/MOH just gave me our wedding gift for our June wedding. She bought us a set of gorgeous cut crystal antique wine glasses that took her a long time to find. So maybe she is planning on giving you something special…
I wouldn’t say anything about it if I were you, but I understand why you’re upset 🙁
Post # 6
It’s totally understandable to be upset, but I wouldn’t say anything, especially since it sounds like there are already tensions between you. I don’t see their relationship with you and your husband improving if you try to address it. People just suck sometimes – sorry you’re going through a tough time, lady.
Post # 7
Hmm…that would really bother me if I were in your situation, but try your best to ignore it and not let it get to you…
Maybe they didn’t help out with the wedding because you both have decided LDS isn’t for you guys? But I don’t see that as a reason to not give a gift. My family would definitely not help out if we decided we weren’t going to get married in a catholic church.
Post # 9
- Wedding: October 2011 - Tre Bella, Mesa, AZ
I agree with @Ms. Sparkles. Just try to let it go. One of the things my psychologist friend said to me when I brought up a subject like this (confronting people) was “What goal are you trying to achieve by doing it?” If it’s just to get it off your chest, but it will cause hard feelings or family drama, then it’s best to just try to work through it, and let it go.
Personally, I’d be a little peeved too, but a few things to keep in mind…
They may not actually be as well off as you think. I’ve known people who kept up with the Jones’s, had nice houses, great cars, nice stuff, and they were in serious debt. Unless they’ve shown your their annual income and debt, you can’t say for certain they’re actually well off.
The other thing… I’ve known many people in my life who gave A LOT of money to their church, had very strong values about their religion, and were perfectly wonderful people to be around – I would never know they were judging me if others hadn’t told me the negative things they’d said. You may be right that his parents really don’t approve, but you’ll probably never know (and do you really want to know?).
Best to just take a deep breath and be thankful that they are at least decent in-laws. 🙂 Just don’t expect any monetary support from them in the future.
Post # 10
My feelings would be hurt too! Maybe she is planning on giving you something in person, or maybe they are really uptight with their money?
I wouldn’t say anything about it though.
Post # 11
Congrats! I hope it was a great day.
I would have your husband say something like “Mom, I think your card got lost because it wasnt in the pile of other cards” And let her respond. and her response will be the final answer.
If your FH is equally upset about this he should tell his parents that he is upset they didnt recoginize the day even with a card.
I agree its a bit strange they didnt give you a gift, but the strangest piece is the lack of a simple card.
Post # 12
No one in my husband’s immediate family gave us a gift or a card either, so i know where you’re coming from. They didn’t help at all with the wedding and that’s what confused me the most. I am still a little…not upset, but dissapointed in them. You’re not being selfish or unreasonable in your feelings at all. Honestly, the best thing you can do is just move past it. It was hard for me to do b/c they didn’t even congratualte us and had nothing but complaints after the wedding was over when my mother was working her butt off in the kitchen getting everything ready during the wedding. They actually got to sit down during the reception and “enjoy” when she never had the chance.
Post # 13
If they attended the wedding, I doubt that they didn’t give you a gift because they don’t approve. Otherwise, they probably would not attend, either.
I guess I would not mention it. PErhaps they just haven’t given you a gift yet? Maybe they still will…
It is odd, and I can understnad why you would be hurt.
Post # 14
Did you tell them specific things that they could pay for to help with the wedding? The offered, but did you follow up with, “Hey we need help with this.” If not, they may feel that you did not want their help. They may be kind of upset about that. Not trying to be mean, but I know there is always another story (and this kind of happed with my in-laws).
If not, I guess they just figured celebrating the wedding was enough. Are parents supposed to give gifts anyway? I just thought it was the guests, or anyone not really involved in the wedding. I don’t think the money thing (your parents helped and are not as well off as they are) is a big issue in this case. Just because they have more money does not mean they need to give you a gift. I guess I would just not worry about it and try to make amends the best way possible.
Post # 15
I thought you have a year from the wedding date to send a gift? Am I wrong?
Post # 16
I would have your husband say something. She did offer to help pay, so it doesn’t sound like animosity towards you guys is really the issue. Gifts get left at reception venues all the time, especially if it was a card. He can frame it as he’s just making sure. And if she didn’t give anything, she owes her son an explaination even if not a gift. I would definitely have it come from him and not you. They’re his parents. Even if he shares your opinion it’s still his mom, and you don’t want to go there!