should we share!?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
2878 posts
Sugar bee

My fiancé doesn’t like talking about the past. He lives in the present, I’m his woman and the only one he cares about. He doesn’t understand why I asked about his ex. I don’t ask anymore but at first, I really was genuinely curious about his past love life because it was a way for me to learn a bit more about him, but it really annoys him. So I let it go. As long as I’m the only one he wants to be with, I’m cool with this and I think we all need to keep our secret garden somehow. 🙂


Post # 4
5909 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@fiftyshadesofbride:  ….ummmm…..I think for Roster Sharing to actually work, all parties involved need to have a roster…otherwise its a recipe for disaster. 

I think prying for this information is only going to make him uncomfortable and you unhappy…and what could you possibly gain from knowing that information? 

You’ve got to be happy with who you are, and know that there are going to be people the BOTH of you find attractive in a way that your partner just isn’ what…you’re married to each other and that’s what counts.

It’s ok…just take a minute to think about why you want to know so badly.



Post # 5
9037 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@fiftyshadesofbride:  Stop!  Don’t even let your thoughts go there.  If your husband doesn’t want to talk about his sexual past, it’s his business and none of yours.  Maybe losing his virginity was an unpleasant experience for him, you never know.  Don’t make him think about it.

My husband and I never talk and never have talked about things like our sexual pasts, other than in vague terms.  We were both married before and we know some basic stuff but all that really matters to us is our relationship NOW. 

And being insecure over him thinking a celebrity is cute is a little over the top.  There are  millions of attractive human beings in the world.  Stop making an issue over something that is not really an issue.

Enjoy your husband and relax a little!  Insecurity isn’t attractive but self-confidence really is.

Post # 6
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think it varies from pesron to person, some people are comfortable talking about the past, others like to leave the past in the past.


For us, we are completely open and know tons about each others past. However, the method of getting to that point is important in my opinion.  We like to joke around and are just generally curious about it.  It’s never been done in an insecure or jealous kind of way – if that was the case, neither of us would discuss the past.  


Ultimately though, his past really isn’t any of your business and he isn’t obligated to share it with you (unless there is something that would directly affect you – e.g., STDs).


I don’t think his crush on Katy Perry is anything to be concerned of. It’s human nature to look at attractive people. I think you’d be lying if you said you’ve never found another human attractive just because you’re in a relationship.  There is always going to be someone better looking, thinner, richer, more successful, etc. than you. The sooner you accept this fact and get past it, the sooner you can be happy and content with your own life and what you’ve got.

Post # 8
2571 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@Nona99:  Roster Sharing…lol  I love this term. 😉


OP, I kind of see where you’re coming from re: him thinking a celeb is cute/attractive – it sometimes bothers me knowing FI thinks X Y or Z celeb is cute, but on the flip side he will tease me mercilessly over Robert Downey Jr, lol.  I’ve loosened up a little over it over time and now tease him every so often about his celeb crushes.  It’s not that he wants to be (or realistically COULD ever be) with any of these people – attractive people are nice to look at, and you move on with your day.

Post # 9
2783 posts
Sugar bee

@fiftyshadesofbride:  I think you should just let it go, you do not need the information and it will likely make you upset/insecure/uncomfortable, even if you think it won’t. Just drop it

Post # 10
3077 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

I think you shouldn’t worry but I also don’t see the big deal about asking him when he lost his virginity…I can’t imagine getting angry at my partner for asking me that. I also asked my SO at some point. I’ve actually gotten almost the full nitty gritty on my SO’s history, even though she’s my 2nd person and 2nd time so I obviously don’t have much of a deep dark history.

Just enjoy your relationship and don’t complicate things just because.

Post # 11
6697 posts
Bee Keeper

I think it’s  perfectly normal to discuss past relationships with a spouse, though gory details are never appropriate.   Like a pp, we joke about former GFs and BFs.  What I do find strange and even concerning is that H didn’t even say  I’d rather not discuss that with you, but went right to anger. 

Post # 12
1662 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@fiftyshadesofbride:  Hmm tricky. I think if you want the information, you are entitled to it, not as his wife persay but as his sexual partner. I had one previous partner and was my fi’s first. I offered him the info, but he wasn’t interested.

Post # 13
2114 posts
Buzzing bee

@fiftyshadesofbride:  well lets address 1 thing first. Just because he thinks Katy Perry, or any other girl on the street, is attractive doesnt mean youre not enough for him. That is a huge turn off when girls think like that! And drives me crazy too! I see “cute” guys all the time, but its the emotional connection that I have to my SO that stops it from turning into more. Yes that guy is good looking, he could never compare to my SO. I even joke when we see one of my fav bands – I always say we are going to see the future father of my kids hahah.

In regards to the roster: I have always done it in past relationships and I guarantee you that at least one person always gets uncomfortable/ upset. We have not shared in this one. I have no desire too and he admitted the same. I have a higher number than id like to admitt and he use to party ALOT so im sure he does too.

The past is the past.

Post # 14
1067 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@fiftyshadesofbride:  not to sound like a big old skank or anything, but I had some ridiculous teenage years, with some memory blanks, and I do not honestly know my number.

whatever is in my past is in my past. I love the fella intensely, and my sexual history has absolutely no bearing on our relationship in any way. It just doesn’t matter.

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