- 6 years ago
- Wedding: February 2014
I’m brand new to the site, though I’ve been stalking it for several months without having a real account! Got engaged in March, and now I can begin to plan my wedding! 🙂
Anyway. My engagement is a secret. My Fiance has an adorable 5 yr old daughter (A) who has lived through some horrible emotional abuse. We found out her mother was engaged to her bf for a few weeks but broke it off and kicked him out of the house (despite the fact that she’s pregnant with his child). He seems to be in and out now.
This is obviously a terrible model. We don’t want A to think that this is what’s going to happen between her dad and I. She idolizes her dad and loves me too (more than is healthy–she wants me to replace her real mom).
A suffers from all the textbook signs of abuse. Every other weekend (during her dad’s custody time), she begs us not to take her home. She constantly asks what day of the week it is (Friday=good, saturday=ok, sunday=bad, because she’s going home) and says her mom/mom’s bf fight and scare her. She even went so far as to tell me that she doesn’t like her mom anymore, and that her dad and I are better.
Her mother is diagnosed bipolar (but is not–I am bipolar and her behavior is not consistent with that diagnosis, she’s definitely borderline). To be fair, she was apparently very consistent and nice while she was medicated. But now she will not get treatment.
In the past, she has threatened my FI’s life multiple times/abused him (broke his nose, threw things at him, etc). She has threatened to kill herself in front of A (who now will say variations of, “I’m going to kill myself!” when she doesn’t get something she wants. A also sang me a song about killing babies on Sunday–wtf?).
We are afraid to tell A that we’re engaged because we don’t want to give her more to worry about. We’re also trying to start a custody battle to get her out of that home. So far DYFS has been no help (even though FI’s ex is growing marijuana in her home, smoking it around A, who can identify paraphanalia and knows drugs by name. She also knows wayyy too much about sex for a 5 year old).
Is it a stupid idea for us to sit down with her and tell her that we’re getting married with all this going on in her life? Should we wait? Or are we being irresponsible by not telling her?
Sorry, that was kind of a rant, too. 🙁