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I know this has the potential to become a hot topic but I'm just curious about what the majority opinion is on this issue.
My personal (and religious) conviction is not to live together before marriage. However, I respect all with differing beliefs. Me not living with my fiance doesn't hurt anyone, just like someone else who is living with her fiance doesn't hurt me. :)
I've lived with my FI for about a year and a half, a year of that was before we got engaged, and I think it's been really beneficial to us. It's helped us learn each other's ticks, how to compromise, and we have more time to spend with each other. Our relationship really changed when I moved in with him...we just got closer and more serious, if you will.
I don't think there is a right answer to this question. It depends on every couple and their personal beliefs.
To me there is no "should"--what's right for one person might not be right for another. For me personally, it was important to live with DH before marriage. But that doesn't mean that that's what SHOULD happen for everyone.
I personally do not like the idea of living with your SO before marriage, but with immigration, I don't have much of a choice! I have no where else to live when I move to the states but with my FI.
It really does depend on the people involved, what their values are, etc.
Personally, I couldn't imagine marrying someone without living with them first. As much as FI and I love each other, it was important to us to see what our day-to-day lives would be like as a married couple before making such a huge commitment. We lived together for a year before getting engaged.
I personally feel that its very important for the couple to live together before marriage. Dating and living with someone are two very different things. Until you share a roof and bills, I feel like you can't really 100% know the other person. I learned a lot about FI when we first lived together. We've been cohabitating for almost 5 years now and I wouldn't take back a single day of it. It's drawn us closer together and made us really work and think as a team. I personally would not consider marrying someone that I didn't know for a fact that I could live with.
I realize other people have different views on the subject and thats fine. This is just my opinion and what works for my relationship.
@UpstateCait: I agree 100%. We moved in together before we were engaged and will have lived together for almost 3 years on our wedding day. We have learned SO MUCH about eachother, some things that might have been potential deal-breakers in other relationships.
My mom always told me that she WANTED me to live with the man I thought I would marry because she didn't have the opportunity (grandparents.) My whole family supported us entirely. And now they're just excited we're getting married!
Should? There is no "should." People do what they like and what they feel is best.
what @CaitMarae said! FI and I went through a lot of fights while we figured out how to best live together. You learn so many personal habits, people become lazy in their own place vs when they're trying to impress you when you go out. You are seeing them for who they truly are, and it can cause problems. FI and I felt it was absolutely necessary to make sure we could live together without tearing each other's heads off.
Everyone I know learned both good and bad about their significant other when they moved in together. Some of those things made them closer and some were major issues that had to be worked out. For me, I wanted to know if there were any issues to work out before saying I Do.
@PuntaCanaBride: I wanted to live with DH so badly before we got married. and we are both Christians.
i was/am of sound mind that people should live together before they get married. Its a huge adjustment so living together might be a deal breaker, you know? Maybe you just cant do it??!!
BUT I lived with DH before we got married, it was awsome and we got married. and now...we are married and nothing has changed! I wish we had waited just so we could have all this "newess" to enjoy..moving in, setting up pur home as married couple etc. *sigh*
Oh well. We did wait till were were engaged atleast! :p
I can't imagine NOT living with my SO before marriage. It was very important to both of us and we cohabitated for 5.5 years before getting engaged and 6.5 years before the wedding.
Best thing we ever did in our relationship!
For me, living together was completely the right thing to do. However, I totally understand that it isn't for some people. And I DO think it's a mistake to move in with someone you're not seriously committed to - it's so much harder to break up with someone when you live together, especially if you have pets, etc. I think a lot of couples that aren't right for each other stay together because it would just be so hard to move out.
So, I guess I think that in general, living together is a good last step before marrying someone - just to make sure that there aren't any big problems that come up.
I definitely don't think you "should" have to live with your SO prior to marriage but I can see how others might think that. My husband and I dated for 7 years before getting married and never lived together (we're not religious either, just my personal preference)...so for us, we didn't learn anything crazy new about each other once we did start living together after the wedding. After 7 years together, dating and living together weren't very different. But I can see how couples who haven't been together nearly as long might feel it's necessary. I just never did and am glad we waited.
i voted no just because thats what i believe and followed - well i waited until i was engaged and when we moved cross country (after getting engaged), it would have been silly not to.
but in reality, i feel to each their own. i judge no one for living together or not. i know people who live together and don't ever want to get married, that's fine too. i am just a little old fashioned plus i have seen too many women not get married for years on end because they are living with their boyfriend (so i feel bad for them). the way i see it, something needs to change when you get married - and that could be your living arrangements!
I'm an old fashion girl, I say dont live together until married. But its good to spend weekends together and have sleepovers so you get used to waking up together so its not a complete shock. But i wouldnt fully move in with someone I wasnt married to.
I don't think there is an answer to "Should."
Each person has his or her own convictions, beliefs, and preferences.
I chose to move in with my FI 6 months after we got engaged, which was 6 months before our wedding.
I think it depends on the people and the relationship. I grew up thinking that I wouldn't live with someone before we were married but FI and I have been living together for a little over a year and I'm glad we are. We have grown so much more in our relationship because of it, with our schedules it would have been very difficult to spend significant time together otherwise.
My Fi and I live together. We have the majority of our relationship. I wouldnt say everyone should do it but I think for some it's a good experience and it paves a way to the future marriage.
one thing i think is crazy and why i would never vote "yes" is the belief that some people have who think you should live together before because if you don't, you might find out things about the person after you're married that you didn't know before! i am just like, i know who i am marrying, if i could find out something after living together big enough to make not love or want to marry FI anymore, then i have other problems! i mean, ya, i might find he has some annoying habits like leaving his clothes on the floor or what not. but am i going to say i can't marry you anymore?!
EDIT: just want to put a little disclaimer that i really believe everyone should do what they want and i am not judging anyone, this is just how i feel and if a friend asked my advice on whether to live with a guy before marriage or getting engaged, this is what i would tell them - they don't have to listen to me though!
I think it really depends on the situation. I'm a pretty traditional gal, and I didn't really want to live with anyone until I was married to them. This all changed however according to my situation.
I'm originally from Seattle, but I moved to San Antonio for college. 6 months after we were engaged my lease was up on the apartment I was sharing with two of my best friends. I didn't want to purchase a new one year lease, since we would be married in 8 months, and then we would be purchasing a house together. It just didn't seem feasible for me to move 3 times in the next year. If my parents lived closer, I would be staying with them, but it's just not possible. Therefore, I'm living with my fiance for the next 8 months, and I really love it. :)
I'm glad I moved in with DH before we got married--I've said this in a few threads before, but it really allowed us to get used to living together and work out the kinks (that "adjustment period" people talk about is real) instead of being thrown together after the wedding and having to figure it all out adjusting to a brand-new marriage at the same time.
I definitely think it depends on the couple. My friend chose to live with her then-boyfriend (now fiance), and it was right for them. For me, I wanted a last year with my parents so I could help them out and just have that experience. My dad has health problems, and I wanted to spend my last 'single' year with them. In addition to that, I'm in a temporary position at work and I want to have a 'real' job before I move out of the house.
Personally, yes I think couples should give together before they get married, but I understand that not everyone feels that way, and to each their own. I think there’s a lot of things that people should do before they get married, but like the above – not everyone feels the same. Such is life! ;-)
I’m not religious, so I don’t have any hang-ups about living “in sin”, and I am of the mind that I should fully “test drive” all hugely important things before I “buy”, as it were. I also try to minimize the stress I impose on myself, and the physical stress of packing/unpacking/moving, the emotional stress of moving in with someone for the first time and the stress (even if 100% good stress) of weddings are all individually stressful events on their own. For me, I wouldn’t want to impose additional stress on myself by combining those events when it’s not necessary for me to do so.
@UpstateCait: Nicely put! DH and I felt the same way about it. We wouldn't have gotten married without living together first.
I support living with each other you need to know the ins and outs of each other before you think you can spend the rest of your life with them. Although we are not officially living together due to i'm still in school when he is here with me for long periods of time before going back to work in CT then I love it. It gives me a glimpse into what our married life will be like!
@PurpleUnicorn: Really? If you found out your boyfriend was a disgusting slob who didn't know how to pick up after himself, treated you like his mother, left the bathroom a mes everyday and didn't want to work with you on it - you would just accept that? There is a huge adjustment period that goes on when you live together, and yes, sometimes it can be a deal breaker. I was with FI for 6 years before we moved in together, and we definitely found things to argue over. We had already decided we were going to work through all of our problems no matter what, but for some people, its not something you can get past if they don't share the same values and habits as you.
@PurpleUnicorn: I totally respect your opinion and I think I can explain why I and so many other women feel strongly about the idea of living together first. You said, "i mean, ya, i might find he has some annoying habits like leaving his clothes on the floor or what not. but am i going to say i can't marry you anymore?!" I see what you are saying but I don't think it's about one or two little things. It's the overall living together that may cause problems. Sure, if someone leaves their clothes on the floor, you can get over it or work on it, or whatever, but let's say your spouse does many things like this. Or what if there is a big thing that you didn't realize before getting married/moving in together. I think that's what most women mean when saying they want to live together first. At least that's how I feel. (Not trying to argue, just show the opposing side) I totally see what some women want to wait! :)
I definitely had to live with my husband first. He agreed. We worked out minor kinks upon my moving in and found we could cohabitate quite nicely. But I definitely think living together shows if you can really live together and get along. I think it is certainly possible to love somebody but not be able to live with them/get along!
For us it was important we lived together.
I have a son from a previous relationship, he doesn't have any kids. He didn't move in until we knew marriage was our next step. I felt it was important for him to see what life was going to be like living with a kid. I wanted him to know that yes this is wanted he wanted and what my son wanted as well.
I'm sure some will disagree but it was important to me that make sure we all could live together and fix any issues now.
@SapphireBride1008: I was under the impression that was the purpose of dating. :P
Living with a boyfriend/girlfriend has always seemed like such a big gamble to me. There are no guarantees things will work out, you become codependent in terms of finance and lifestyle, and it makes it harder to break up if things don't work out. At least when you're engaged, you're on the same page and are truly committed to the relationship beyond "test driving it."
Also, I am convinced that people can learn to live with virtually anyone (or anything) if the love and commitment is there.
Absolutely! You learn so much about a person (and yourself) when you're faced with everyday situations.
Try before you buy, I say!
I didn't live with my ex hubby before we got married because of my Dad. Luckily Dad is now a believer that it would have been a good idea. I dated him for 5 years and slept over his house three times a week for about 3 of those years. I STILL found out he was a total selfish jerk about space and I never would have guessed that before at all. Also, he was a remote hog which seriously annoys me. Add to that his mom had always done his laundry and cooked for him and even though he knew perfectly well that when I am hungry I call out or make reservations (I have no idea what a broiler is and own 1 pot.) he still somehow expected that someone was going to take care of that stuff. With just getting married and the stress involved with that and then moving which sucks, throw all of these little revelations on top and there were quite a few arguments or resentments.
This time, we moved in together after almost a year dating because it made good financial sense for us as individuals and we really liked each other as people on top of dating. I had no idea how much he spent free time surfing ESPN channels and playing video games. He had no idea how much time I spend reading and that I really don't cook. like at all. Lol - our kinks were worked out and it was smooth sailing for the last 6 years or so. I would never go the other way because I just think this is better for me.
@UpstateCait: I am in 100% agreement.
I really thought I knew my FI but we moved in together and I saw a whole new side of him. And I love him more for it! I grandfather was the pastor at a Pentecostal Holiness church so believe me, I understand the biblical aspect of it and I don't mind those views. I just mind it when someone expects you to see the same views. You may think I'm going to hell for living with someone before marriage but please don't throw it in my face every chance you get. It's rude.
And before someone attacks me that was not an aim at someone up here. Just a thought for anyone!
:D
@Minutiae: I don't think you should just move in with anyone, and I don't really think that's what anyone is trying to say. Moving in was the next step for us, we were serious, contemplating marriage, and wanted to make sure it would work. Engagement is just the confirmation that know we can be together for the rest of our lives, we were already planning it.
And I'm sure if you love someone you can live with them, but resentment starts with the small stuff and can grow. And if you haven't had to deal with big situations, or how to deal with a fight when there's nowhere else to go, people may end up divorcing. "Love is all you need" is not really true. You need a partner and someone who is willing to compromise and be a part of a team. Not everyone can do that and sometimes it doesn't show until after you move in.
It definitely depends on the couple. Personally, I think it is the best decision for our relationship. We are getting to know each other so much better. People who oppose our decision tell us that nothing would change after we get married, but I disagree. Being a girlfriend or fiancée is so much different than being a wife. There's a new sense of family and caring for another person. Yes, our closet allocation, where my shoes are on the shoe rack, where our pots and pans are stored... all these things would be the same, but I will be going to sleep knowing that I am a MRS. This isn't a test for me to see if I can handle my significant other's annoying habits or behavior. I love this man and my feelings will not be swayed by his habits. It's our way of getting to know each other on a deeper level, when our guards are down and when we're both exhausted after work. It's just preparing me to be a better wife. (Just like when couples welcome their home to a new pet before having a child together). It's all personal preference. I just wouldn't have it any other way.
@SapphireBride1008: no offense, but I hate that analogy. What is the relationship before marriage if not a "test drive"? You're not blindly marrying someone off the street...you're marrying someone you've been in a relationship for quite some time (most of the time).
I personally think it's up to the couple. We did not live together before we were married and I'm very glad that we didn't. We had the excitement of moving in together after our honeymoon, and it wasn't all easy, but it was dfinitely not just another day either. So I certainly don't regret my choice and am glad that we waited to live together.
@arenyth: I didn't say people were "just moving in with anyone," did I? I said boyfriends and girlfriends. Of course everyone on this board is going to have a very positive view of living together--the relationships worked out obviously, haha. That doesn't make it seem like any less of a gamble for me, though.
What really grinds me is this insinuation that crops up, that couples who don't cohabitate have worse relationships simply because they're moving forward differently. Couples who don't live together are also serious about their relationships and work on the big stuff. Couples who don't live together also have the skills required to make a marriage work--that's not something special that's reserved for cohabitators! The only difference is that some couples adjust to living together before marriage, and some couples after. Anybody could end up divorcing, right?
The nice thing about waiting to move in together is that the work of adjusting becomes part of your marriage; you have an obvious change in your relationship (living together) to mark the new commitment to your relationship, and it's a challenge you can tackle as husband and wife.
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