(Closed) Shouldn’t he know by now????

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: Will he ever be ready???
    yes,he just needs time : (15 votes)
    26 %
    no,he's to comfortable : (42 votes)
    74 %
  • Post # 3
    276 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    Awww…I’m so sorry, that is more than difficult.  Sounds like you have a lot of serious, potentially heartbreaking decisions to make. But ultimately, if you’re not the right ones for each other…you’re doing both of you a favor by breaking it off now, giving him an opportunity to find the right woman for him, and giving yourself an opportunity to recover and eventually find the guy who will no waver in his commitment.

    Part of a commitment, and being in a relationship, however, is helping each other to work through fears.  You know the situation best, do what you feel is right.

    I hope everything works out, one way or another.  Just remember, every bad part of life is temporary.

    Post # 4
    82 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    Have you guys considered counseling? You would be surprised what you could overcome with having an unbiased mediator. You have invested a lot of yourself into this relationship. I think it’s worth a try…

    Good luck! (((HUGS)))

    Post # 5
    1110 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2009

    I am sorry, take time to think. I hope you figure out what is best for you!

    Post # 6
    2398 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2010


    What he’s saying doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.  He trusts you enough to let you liv with him and be part of his family indefinitely, but won’t marry you because he doesn’t trust you not to turn into his ex-wife.  Eh?

    It’s up to you how long you choose to wait, but he doesn’t have much incentive to do actual work on the issues he needs to overcome with you presently living with him and behaving like a wife in all but name.

    Post # 8
    82 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    Don’t waste your sexy. Only you know what’s best for you. Deep down inside you know exactly what you need to do. Change is the prelude to progression.

    Post # 9
    665 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    I would go ask the encore boards about this. I know for many of us, this will be our first marriage and I know I don’t have any real words of wisdom for you since I’ve never been in your situation. I send you strength and patience, though!

    P.S. I do agree he could probably use a counselor… and his unacceptance of having a problem is the problem. He has to realize that holding onto pain is a problem and that he needs to accept that. Until then, yes, he will hang onto it and never move on… leaving a giant elephant in the middle of your relationship.

    Post # 10
    318 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: February 2011

    “just not being ready”isn’t enough of a real problem.  He said he’s going to deal with it on his own.


    If it is not a real problem and he wants to deal with it on his own, let him.  Move out.  Now.  If he doesn’t want a wife and a commitment, then don’t give him one.  You can even stay his girlfriend if you want to, but he needs to decide what he wants.

    That said, it does take a long time for some people to get over things.  My SO and I were together and serious for 4+ years before he was finally ready for marriage again.  He knew that I had no intentions of living with him, and lots of times it would have been easier for us to live together.  I tried to accept things as they were and *I* decided that I wasn’t going to leave over the lack of a proposal, but I also was not giving up my house etc.  Over time he started talking about “when we have a house together” and while that made me hopeful, I was still surprised when he proposed.

    So you need to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you or not.  

    Post # 11
    2532 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    hunneebee said it perfectly…..

    Post # 12
    1854 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: December 2009

    I agree with the counselling… Maybe “not being ready” is not a problem, but being significantly on a different page than your partner is a problem – either to resolve together or go separate ways because of incompatible goals…

    I really don’t want to sound harsh or anything… but it seems to me that he’s comfortable the way things are, and you’re not. You have given him time – waiting for over two years for him to give you rings he bought is a long time… not very fair to you.

    I’m all for working through problems as a couple, especially if you’re serious… but if I was in your situation I would really contemplate moving out and go back to dating : he has time to decide, and you’re not uncomfortable by living with someone without a commitment…

    Post # 13
    403 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    So if you live together now, and are intimate with eachother now, what exactly is he not ready for?  Filing joint tax returns? I’m not trying to be snarky, I currently live wtih my Fiance and we are intimate with eachother… so I’m not trying to say those are bad things.  I would be very frustrated if I was in your position too! It sounds like you are essentially living very similarly to a married couple now and he needs to shape up or ship out!

    Post # 14
    348 posts
    Helper bee

    I would also second the idea of counseling.  Can you explain to him that the “problem” the counseling is trying to fix is not his not being ready, but the strain that having different desires for commitment is putting on your relationship.  In other words, the goal of counseling is to help your relationship grow, not to convince him that he should propose to you immediately.  This only works if you are open to it – you can’t go into counseling with that specific agenda.  But if the counseling is to help your relationship grow in whatever direction works best for the two of you, then maybe he will be more open to it?

    Post # 15
    173 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: December 2013

    although it can be very hard to leave the past in the past it is often difficult.the problem here is that he is bringing his unresolved baggage into this relationship and it isnt fair to either of u.its going to be hard but maybe its time for separate living,that might  soothe ur frustration.

    Post # 16
    1296 posts
    Bumble bee

    I agree with the other poster he needs to go to counseling. It sounds like his still hung up on what his ex-wife did to him and no it isn’t fair to take it out on you by making you wait.  You are essentially playing the role of his wife but without it being offical.  Is that something you can live with much  longer? I see that this is tearing you up emotionally that’s not healthy for you.  You deserve someone who won’t subject you to pain like that and string you along for god knows how long.  I think you should think long and hard about if you comfortable waiting for as long as it take for him to get it together.  If I were you I would leave because I as well as you deserve so much better than him.

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