Post # 1
After many exhausting talks about the whole ring thing and having a ring for 2yrs. and not proposing he says the famous last words “It’s not you it’s me,I’m just not ready.” He also said “It’s not that I feel you’re not the one,but I’m so scared of the marriage failing because of what I went throught the first time.” Wife left after 20yrs. and cheated. I understand completely however……I went through a HORRIBLE divorce too and I don’t make him pay for what my ex did to me and I feel like he is doing that to me.We’ve been together for 2.5yrs. and he’s been divorced for 3.5yrs. It makes me wonder if I REALLY am the one for him. Shouldn’t that be enought time to know or not????He says all that right things “You’re my soulmate,I’d be lost without you,I want to grow old with you etc etc.” He wants me to continue to live as his girlfriend for as long as it takes him to “get over” what ex wifey did to him. He says he’s confident it will happen he just won’t commit to a time period. Where does this leave me? I have had a melt down over it, it has really broken my heart that I have given up alot (I had my own place)to live with this man and I’m intimate with him and he won’t commit to me. I moved in because we had purchased rings and there was an INTENTION of a commitment. As time went on and we talked about it more,he became MORE AND MORE terrified. I am 34 and he’s 45. He said he sees so many marriages falling apart that it’s hard to want to commit. What to do……
Post # 3
Awww…I’m so sorry, that is more than difficult. Sounds like you have a lot of serious, potentially heartbreaking decisions to make. But ultimately, if you’re not the right ones for each other…you’re doing both of you a favor by breaking it off now, giving him an opportunity to find the right woman for him, and giving yourself an opportunity to recover and eventually find the guy who will no waver in his commitment.
Part of a commitment, and being in a relationship, however, is helping each other to work through fears. You know the situation best, do what you feel is right.
I hope everything works out, one way or another. Just remember, every bad part of life is temporary.
Post # 4
Have you guys considered counseling? You would be surprised what you could overcome with having an unbiased mediator. You have invested a lot of yourself into this relationship. I think it’s worth a try…
Good luck! (((HUGS)))
Post # 5
I am sorry, take time to think. I hope you figure out what is best for you!
Post # 6
What he’s saying doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. He trusts you enough to let you liv with him and be part of his family indefinitely, but won’t marry you because he doesn’t trust you not to turn into his ex-wife. Eh?
It’s up to you how long you choose to wait, but he doesn’t have much incentive to do actual work on the issues he needs to overcome with you presently living with him and behaving like a wife in all but name.
Post # 7
He said he’s not willing to go to counseling because he feels that counseling is for problems and that “just not being ready”isn’t enough of a real problem. Talking to a stranger about issues in the past would make him feel to uncomfortable. He said he’s going to deal with it on his own. So far,I haven’t seen this method being too successful LOL! I don’t know,I have a feeling I have some major life altering decisions to make in awhile. I guess being “scared” is worth losing me over! It just doesn’t make any good sense to me. I always go back to- is this just an excuse because he’s just not sure about me as his wife yet? If it is,it really isn’t fair to me. I think he has everything he wants right now with no strings attached. It really hurts my heart in a bad way,especially when in the beginning his whole attitude on the subject was very different and rings were purchased before I even moved in. I feel as though a part of my heart died when he told me “he just wasn’t ready.” Maybe I’m just being to emotional but I can’t help but feel devasted over this. Every time I try not to think about it,it’s there,nagging at me. Help bees!
Post # 8
Don’t waste your sexy. Only you know what’s best for you. Deep down inside you know exactly what you need to do. Change is the prelude to progression.
Post # 9
I would go ask the encore boards about this. I know for many of us, this will be our first marriage and I know I don’t have any real words of wisdom for you since I’ve never been in your situation. I send you strength and patience, though!
P.S. I do agree he could probably use a counselor… and his unacceptance of having a problem is the problem. He has to realize that holding onto pain is a problem and that he needs to accept that. Until then, yes, he will hang onto it and never move on… leaving a giant elephant in the middle of your relationship.
Post # 10
“just not being ready”isn’t enough of a real problem. He said he’s going to deal with it on his own.
If it is not a real problem and he wants to deal with it on his own, let him. Move out. Now. If he doesn’t want a wife and a commitment, then don’t give him one. You can even stay his girlfriend if you want to, but he needs to decide what he wants.
That said, it does take a long time for some people to get over things. My SO and I were together and serious for 4+ years before he was finally ready for marriage again. He knew that I had no intentions of living with him, and lots of times it would have been easier for us to live together. I tried to accept things as they were and *I* decided that I wasn’t going to leave over the lack of a proposal, but I also was not giving up my house etc. Over time he started talking about “when we have a house together” and while that made me hopeful, I was still surprised when he proposed.
So you need to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you or not.
Post # 11
hunneebee said it perfectly…..
Post # 12
I agree with the counselling… Maybe “not being ready” is not a problem, but being significantly on a different page than your partner is a problem – either to resolve together or go separate ways because of incompatible goals…
I really don’t want to sound harsh or anything… but it seems to me that he’s comfortable the way things are, and you’re not. You have given him time – waiting for over two years for him to give you rings he bought is a long time… not very fair to you.
I’m all for working through problems as a couple, especially if you’re serious… but if I was in your situation I would really contemplate moving out and go back to dating : he has time to decide, and you’re not uncomfortable by living with someone without a commitment…
Post # 13
So if you live together now, and are intimate with eachother now, what exactly is he not ready for? Filing joint tax returns? I’m not trying to be snarky, I currently live wtih my Fiance and we are intimate with eachother… so I’m not trying to say those are bad things. I would be very frustrated if I was in your position too! It sounds like you are essentially living very similarly to a married couple now and he needs to shape up or ship out!
Post # 14
I would also second the idea of counseling. Can you explain to him that the “problem” the counseling is trying to fix is not his not being ready, but the strain that having different desires for commitment is putting on your relationship. In other words, the goal of counseling is to help your relationship grow, not to convince him that he should propose to you immediately. This only works if you are open to it – you can’t go into counseling with that specific agenda. But if the counseling is to help your relationship grow in whatever direction works best for the two of you, then maybe he will be more open to it?
Post # 15
although it can be very hard to leave the past in the past it is often difficult.the problem here is that he is bringing his unresolved baggage into this relationship and it isnt fair to either of u.its going to be hard but maybe its time for separate living,that might soothe ur frustration.
Post # 16
I agree with the other poster he needs to go to counseling. It sounds like his still hung up on what his ex-wife did to him and no it isn’t fair to take it out on you by making you wait. You are essentially playing the role of his wife but without it being offical. Is that something you can live with much longer? I see that this is tearing you up emotionally that’s not healthy for you. You deserve someone who won’t subject you to pain like that and string you along for god knows how long. I think you should think long and hard about if you comfortable waiting for as long as it take for him to get it together. If I were you I would leave because I as well as you deserve so much better than him.