Not sure I want a Shower and Bachelorette and invite stress

posted 3 months ago in Traditions
Post # 2
Member
1773 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I felt like that. I hate the idea of people buying me things just because I’m getting married. I told my mom I didn’t want a shower. Told my friends I didn’t want a bachelorette party. Neither listened. 🙁

Then the wedding got moved up two months to try to accommodate my terminally ill father in law. This time I flat out refused to let them plan a bridal shower. And my friends decided to keep the weekend they had planned but turned it into just a girls vacation and not have it associated with my wedding. So I ended up getting what I wanted, no special gift giving parties thrown in my honor. 

Post # 3
Member
933 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I feel this way about my friends and our wedding party, like I don’t even want them to bring us a wedding gift let alone a shower gift!! My relatives I feel less guilty about because I know they can afford it, and are genuinely very excited for us to get married and to give us gifts. But I feel awful even thinking about my friends giving us any kind of gift, when they already have to spend money just to come to our wedding. 

My mother told me about our (surprise) couples shower that my bridesmaids were planning with her, and I told her please kill the idea of renting out a restaraunt, or getting special furniture and catering if hosted in their backyard. Its afternoon tea themed and I told my mom that I will (secretly) make all the scones and cakes myself and say that my mom did them, I honestly don’t want anyone to go to any extra trouble or expense over us! Maybe I feel this way because we are only 24 and by far the first of our close friends to get married, if others had gone first and had all the gift-giving parties maybe I would just feel like its normal. And also I completely appreciate that a lot of our friends (and our wedding party in particular) do not have money to burn, so I am very conscious of how much money they are having to spend on us 🙁

Post # 4
Member
2536 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Totally! I just had brunch with some of my girl friends as my ‘bachelorette’. So pretty low cost and low stress for everyone. There’s no way I’d have a shower. I don’t really understand them. People are already expected to get you a wedding present, but then they also have to get you another present for some reason? 

Post # 5
Member
845 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

This is why I didn’t have a bachelorette. I just felt like it was too much to ask people since they had to buy a bridesmaids dress and everything. My friends were broke and I just didn’t want to make anyone stress. I had a shower but felt the bachelorette was too much. I understand your feelings. I do enjoy going to events but when there are several (say an engagement, shower, bachelorette and wedding) I think it gets to be a lot. 

Post # 6
Member
1293 posts
Bumble bee

1.  Has anyone offered to throw you a shower or a bachelorette?  You say people are asking when you are having one, but has anyone actually offered to throw you one?  Because that’s step one.  These are not parties you throw for yourself – someone has to offer to throw you one.  So if no one is offering, all your worrying is moot.

2.  You can always decline the offer of a party when one is made.  If you don’t feel comfortable having one, you don’t have to accept the offer of a party.  Just politely say “I appreciate your generous offer to throw me a shower/bachelorette but I would prefer not to have one.”

3.  I don’t think you necessarily need to factor what you think people may like into the equation.  Some people love showers.  Some people loathe them.  Some people tolerate them because they like celebrating friends but hate some aspects of them (like games, or over long showers, etc.).  You invite your nearest and dearest from the people who are invited to the wedding and those who enjoy it will show up and those who don’t will send their regrets and likely see you at the wedding.  If you want to ensure that potential guests don’t hate you or the party, then the best way to accomplish that is make sure the hosts of the party aren’t making too many demands of guests (like buying special attire to participate) or planning multi-day affairs with excessive time/financial requirements.  Some people may be into that sort of thing, but I’ll venture to say most people aren’t.  It’s not that hard to throw a nice simple party that people will enjoy.

So, if someone offers, decide if you personally would enjoy that type of event.  Accept or decline their offer and take it from there. 

Post # 7
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I felt/feel like this a lot. I’m constantly thinking that people only do things out of obligation and it’s a constant struggle to remind myself and be reminded that people do genuinely care for me. However, at my shower I walked in and saw so many people who I loved and respected there. It was startling and I felt like I wasn’t worth all the fuss so I started to get nervous and stressed. My sister must have seen or felt my tension level rise because she was at my side a minute later, told me to relax, that no one was forced to come – they all want to be there and they’re all having a wonderful time. She reminded me I was the reason for the party, but everyone was getting positive experiences out of it that had little or nothing to do with me. It was honestly the most comforting thing and I’ve thought about it a lot in the runup to the wedding. Even if you’re the reason for the party, you’re not the center of attention. It is a really good thing for your community of friends and family to gather, and celebrate something positive. It’s an opportunity for everyone to get together. It’s an opportunity for people who wouldn’t have otherwise met to meet. It’s a happy occassion, and it’s unfortunate that sneering how it’s just a gift giving party is so common. 

Also, everyone feels uncomfortable opening gifts. I’d venture to say 100% of brides and grooms felt uncomfortable with that. It’s awkward and guests fake smiles because exactly no one in that room is jazzed about your new waffle maker except maybe you. However, it’s a shower, people know what they signed up for when they came and they will plaster on that smile because they love you and genuinely care about you. 

Post # 8
Member
396 posts
Helper bee

Same! Not doing a bridal shower, but I will be having a “bachelorette party”. Although the latter will be more of a weekend in wine country with my closest friends relaxing! Can’t say no to wine and cheese!!😀

Post # 9
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

following along because I feel exactly the same. Not engaged yet, but don’t want these events either.

Post # 10
Member
425 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

We don’t have a bridal party, but several friends have offered to host events. I have declined all offers for shower and bachelorette. Anyone who is around has been invited to the hotel the night before the wedding and we’ll hang out over pizza and wine.

Post # 12
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

I’m so glad I’m not alone! I have horrible social anxiety and grew up with not much money in our family so the idea of all the different parties leading up to the wedding terrify me.

Post # 13
Member
976 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I didn’t do a shower or want a shower even though those around me offered to throw it and it would have been small. I just didn’t want the hassle of it and to have people focus on me for multiple events. I did have an intimate bachelorette of 7 people and had a blast! Went to an amazing hip restaurant overlooking the ocean with great food great drinks and they had dancing as well. Don’t feel bad, do what you want to do! 

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