(Closed) Shower AND wedding gift?

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
1501 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I would say do what you can afford. If that is only buying a shower gift so be it. You are spendig a lot of money to be with her on her wedding day and be in the wedding, and money is not endless. Also you have your own wedding to pay for.

A good friend will understand if you can’t buy a million gifts. And when it is your turn to get married this summer don’t expect people to spend more than they can.

Don’t stress yourself out over it.

Post # 4
1628 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

In general, yes it is now the norm for BMs to purchase their own dress, and yes it is the expected norm that you bring a gift to both the shower and the wedding. That said, you can set a limit on how much you want to spend on gifts and simply split that between shower/wedding how you see fit. I wouldn’t expect a friend (particularly a BM) to shell out extra money on the shower especially if you’re in a financial hardship. Just make sure to write a heartfelt card.

The point of showers is to receive gifts (you’re being ‘showered’ with them). You can also not go to the shower, and then are not expected to send a gift.  And while obviously you are never obligated to bring a gift and then couple shouldn’t be demanding them…most people will bring gifts and most will bring to both.

Post # 6
5093 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2012

You should give a gift for both, but as PPs said, you can choose how much or how little to spend.  Are you friends with anyone else at the bridal shower?  Perhaps the two of you could go in on something together to help you both save some money.

Post # 7
679 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Well, there are several schools of thought on this one.

Typically, yes, as a bridesmaid you pay for dress, travel, hair, etc.  And you would need to give a shower gift and a wedding gift. 

Some would say that since you are in the wedding and traveling to the wedding that that gets you of the hook for a wedding present, but not a shower gift.

My personal opinion is that two gifts are needed in this situation, a shower gift and a wedding gift.  A lingerie shower could be a very small, inexpensive gift and then the bigger gift would be the wedding gift (probably a monetary gift).


Post # 8
1433 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012 - Historic Lougheed House

I would say that you should buy her a cheaper shower gift (like some plain-ish lingerie), and then a cheaper wedding gift off her registry.  If you really can’t afford a wedding gift, then a very heartfelt card (and maybe even a 25 or 50 dollar gift card to her registry store) would be really nice.  

If you really can’t afford a wedding present, can you make something?  I just know that personally I would be really hurt if my bridal party didn’t get me a wedding gift (which I guess I have to prepare myself for). 

Post # 9
5758 posts
Bee Keeper

BM’s have always bought their own dresses in my world, so that’s nothing new, and yes, you give a gift to both, as they are seperate events. Many people in the South don’t do both,however, so its really up to you as to how you want to go about it.

Post # 10
1501 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@eagle: My Maid/Matron of Honor didn’t get me a gift or even give me a card. I am still disappointed by this. Yet she wants me to send her a disc of wedding photos! So even though yes people maybe should give you a gift they may not, so be prepared.

Post # 11
3264 posts
Sugar bee

A shower is a mandatory gift giving occasion so you must (if you attend) give a gift.  The wedding however is not mandatory, but the rule I use is that if I would attend the wedding I should WANT to give a gift.

That said neither has to be an expensive gift.  Just a token present. 

If you are hosting this shower, that in itself is a gift.




Post # 12
741 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

When I was a Bridesmaid or Best Man, for the shower we all chipped in for the gift so we could get the bride something nice without breaking the bank for the rest of us. 

Post # 13
247 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

sorry to tell you, but you have to buy her a gift for both.  Something small for the shower, and more for the wedding.

If you are a DIYer, make her a story book or theme with the lingerie. Personalize it.  A pair for shopping, cleaning, cooking,  etc.  Hope that helps.

Post # 15
9056 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

Yes, proper ettiquette would say that you bring a gift to both, but like most others have said, you can certainly make it an inexpensive gift. 

Post # 16
5148 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

2 events = 2 gifts.

You don’t have to go all-out and spend hundreds of dollars. You can get gifts that are more budget-friendly. But  each event should get a gift.

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