Post # 1
My Maid/Matron of Honor has finally gotten around to planning my shower (with much prodding from my mom). My mom sends me an e-mail in which she says this:
“So, keep in mind, if you have a shower, you may get fewer actual wedding gifts because people think they got you a shower gift so they don’t have to get a wedding gift, too, which I think is how it’s supposed to be, one or the other, not both, right?”
I told her I didn’t think that was the case. I have never heard that if you give a shower gift you either don’t have to give a wedding gift at all or can give a smaller one. In my experience, my shower gift had nothing to do with my wedding gift. In one case I spent more than I would normally have on a shower gift because I wasn’t able to attend the actual shower. I told my mom I disagreed and she reiterated her point, saying that i should expect smaller/less gifts if I have a shower. If that is so, what is the point of a shower?
I would love Bees opinions on this. I’m not trying to be greedy, but I also don’t want to be disappointed after the wedding if my mom is right and this is the case.
Post # 3
According to what I’ve read, your mother is right.
ETA: Some people still do gifts for both, but others just do the shower gift, or decline the shower and just do a wedding gift.
Post # 4
If I have learned anything from members of WeddingBee, it’s that things vary so much by geographic region.
Where I live showers are completely separate from wedding gifts. When invited to a shower, you get an appropriate gift for the theme of the shower.
Later on you purchase a wedding gift, which is usually more expensive and/or something of an enduring nature like crystal, linens, silver, etc.
Post # 5
Depends on your social circle and the customs they go by! If your mom knows most the women and attendees, she may very well be right.
Post # 6
I was taught that you only take one gift, but others have said you should take gifts to both.
I think I would take a registry gift to the shower, and cash to the wedding. But I’m the type of person that never goes to a party empty handed, be it cookies or wine or a gift. Others, I realize, are not so thoughtful. So I expect very little, and if I get lots, then I’m surprised.
Post # 7
I would say it totally depends on who/what/what’s common amongst your circle, etc. The same answer you’ll find all over, haha! I plan to spend a ridiculous amount of money on my brother and his fiancée, for example.
I would also say that it depends on your registry and the choices there. ie – If you have place settings that are $160+, and I was attending by myself, I may consider buying you the one large item for both events. However, if there are lots of items that follow the split of what I was planning to spend, that might be what I would choose.
Those are my two cents, not sure it helps!
Post # 8
I’ve heard that what your Mom is saying is mostly a Southern tradition, but in the NE, we give shower gifts AND wedding gifts. Usually shower gifts from the registry and cash for the wedding.
Post # 9
I didn’t realize that – but it was definitely the case in my situation. I only got shower gifts from a couple people and not a wedding gift. Other’s did both shower and wedding gift. For the solo gift people: I was really surprised by this – especially in one case, where she was a close friend and I was expecting something else for the wedding (d’oh!).
ETA: I’ve never ever heard of this and always do both a shower and wedding gift…
Post # 10
If money were no object (which I’m sorry to say is not true these days) then I would get something really nice for the shower and something super nice for the wedding. But if I were on a budget, I would really scale down the shower gift so I could give more for the wedding. I would say that, etiquette or not, be prepared that there will be people who will feel compelled to choose, depending on finances.
Post # 11
I’ve always given a registry gift for the shower and cash for the wedding. I see the shower and the wedding as two totally separate events so I’ve always given both. We haven’t had our wedding yet so I can’t say what people will do but in our circle I think people follow the “rule” I do.
Post # 12
Thanks for all the input, knew I could count on the Bees! I live in Florida – which some would argue is the south and some wouldn’t. A lot of the women invited to the shower are friends of my mom’s, and based on the opinions here I think they might do as she says. I think that most of my friends will give me 2 gifts, as I have done for them. I know money is tight right now for everyone including Fiance and myself, and am not expecting anything extravagant by any means.
Post # 13
I gift about the same for both. I usually buy them an actual gift for the shower and then gift money for the wedding.
Post # 14
I haven’t been to many weddings. But, I just gave FCIL something off of her registry for her bridal shower and that’s it. I’m not loaded, and trying to plan a wedding of my own, so I really couldn’t afford to spend hundreds on her. Her parents and a couple of aunts/uncles gave her gifts at the shower AND money at the wedding, though.
Post # 15
@rubyred605: i agree with this exactly, and this is what i do as well
Post # 16
I usually give a gift from the registry at the shower and then money at the wedding. I usually spend about the same on both the gift and the money.