Post # 1
OK – So my FMIL’s sister (FI’s Aunt) held a shower for me on behalf of my Future Mother-In-Law so she could invite all her friends that were didn’t invite to the wedding. We are having a small wedding of about 75 people. In My Humble Opinion, inviting people to showers who aren’t invited to the wedding is in poor taste, but hey, thats just me. Anyhow, at the end of the shower (which was mainly an event for FMIL’s friends to socialise amongst themselves) I thanked them all for coming and contributing the $20 each for the group gift.
I sent a thank you email to FI’s Aunt thanking her and I have a thank you card ready to go as well. So I get an email today from Future Mother-In-Law with all the contact names of the people that were invited. There is no message asking what to do, but the message is obvious. Send yet another thank you to these people for attending. Of course I’m going to do this, but does this seem like a little bit of overkill?
Post # 3
I guess continue to kill them with your kindness, and send out the extra thank yous.
I feel bad that your Future Mother-In-Law kind of went off into no mans wedding land but I’m guessing her heart was in the right place.
Post # 4
Yeah, they shouldn’t have been invited, but they should still get thank you cards.
Post # 5
This is actually the first of 2 showers she will be holding. She is also inviting people she invited to the first shower to the second shower, meaning yet another shower with people who weren’t invited to the wedding. 🙁
Also – How long do I have to send out these thank yous? ASAP or is by next week ok? The second shower in on the 27th.
Post # 6
Ugh, how frustrating. My Future Mother-In-Law has similar ideas about things along with similar poor communication habits. I’m still a ways behind you – wedding isn’t until end of April – but I’m dreading this sort of thing happening. I know that a lot of friens of my Future Mother-In-Law cannot make it to the wedding since it isn’t close to where they live, so I’m sure something similar will go down.
I don’t know why I’m so caught up on etiquitte – but one thing that I’ve learned through all of this wedding planning process – I do actually like to follow some sort of a rule book – but unfortunately not everyone has the same rule book, i suppose.
Post # 7
..are you sure the list wasn’t just so you could send individual thank you cards?
Post # 8
^^ yep the list was to send thank you cards or an email – not sure what. But since all those people are coming to both showers – do I have to send 2 thank you cards? I was waiting until both showers were over to send out one and for the people that attended both, acknowledge that?
Sorry, I wasn’t so clear on my inital post as to why I was confused and thought this was ‘overkill’.
I should also mention I’m actually getting married at the end of September 2011, not in Jan of 2012.
Post # 9
If these women (who hardly know you/don’t know you at all) attended a party in your honor AND gave you a gift, a written thank you really is in order.
The fact that your Future Mother-In-Law provided you with the addresses of the guests in a timely manner means that she believes you have good manners and would want to thank these guests appropriately.
Since you did not host the shower, you did not control the guest list and should not be expected to invite them all to your wedding simply because they attended this shower. But you absolutely must send a written thank you card. It would be best to write the cards ASAP, but with your wedding date approaching quickly and several showers to attend, these ladies will probably not hold it against you if you wait a week or so to send the thank yous. (But don’t procrastinate and get them in the mail RIGHT after the second shower!)
Also, because these ladies have not received other wedding correspondance they probably aren’t expecting Thank You cards that match your invitations. So if you are concerned about your budget, you could handwrite the personal thank you notes on other card sets from a local stationary store (or Target.)
Thank You cards are good manners. They should be hand written, not emailed. Our mothers’ generation remembers this. Some of them tend to think we’re a bit spoiled if we receive gifts from people we don’t know well and don’t send thank yoou notes. You want FMIL’s friends to like you, it will help you maintain a good relationship with her.
Post # 10
A thank you card is never overkill.
Post # 11
@d-girl: Oh, I see now! Sorry about that. Hm. I guess maybe err on the side of too polite and just send two? Maybe adjusting the second round to say “So nice to see you again and thanks ___”
It’s extra cards, but people like getting cards in the mail. 🙂
Post # 12
Yeh sorry all – to clarify – I am sending written thank you cards, that was always the intent – but I had thought emails on top of that was a little overkill.
Thanks for your responses!