(Closed) Shower held by FMIL to invite her friends that weren’t invited to our wedding

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

I guess continue to kill them with your kindness, and send out the extra thank yous.

I feel bad that your Future Mother-In-Law kind of went off into no mans wedding land but I’m guessing her heart was in the right place.

Post # 4
3574 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Yeah, they shouldn’t have been invited, but they should still get thank you cards.

Post # 6
273 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Ugh, how frustrating.  My Future Mother-In-Law has similar ideas about things along with similar poor communication habits.  I’m still a ways behind you – wedding isn’t until end of April – but I’m dreading this sort of thing happening.  I know that a lot of friens of my Future Mother-In-Law cannot make it to the wedding since it isn’t close to where they live, so I’m sure something similar will go down.

I don’t know why I’m so caught up on etiquitte – but one thing that I’ve learned through all of this wedding planning process – I do actually like to follow some sort of a rule book – but unfortunately not everyone has the same rule book, i suppose.

Good luck!

Post # 7
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

..are you sure the list wasn’t just so you could send individual thank you cards?

Post # 9
735 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

If these women (who hardly know you/don’t know you at all) attended a party in your honor AND gave you a gift, a written thank you really is in order.

The fact that your Future Mother-In-Law provided you with the addresses of the guests in a timely manner means that she believes you have good manners and would want to thank these guests appropriately.

Since you did not host the shower, you did not control the guest list and should not be expected to invite them all to your wedding simply because they attended this shower.  But you absolutely must send a written thank you card.  It would be best to write the cards ASAP, but with your wedding date approaching quickly and several showers to attend, these ladies will probably not hold it against you if you wait a week or so to send the thank yous. (But don’t procrastinate and get them in the mail RIGHT after the second shower!)

Also, because these ladies have not received other wedding correspondance they probably aren’t expecting Thank You cards that match your invitations.  So if you are concerned about your budget, you could handwrite the personal thank you notes on other card sets from a local stationary store (or Target.)


Thank You cards are good manners.  They should be hand written, not emailed.  Our mothers’ generation remembers this.  Some of them tend to think we’re a bit spoiled if we receive gifts from people we don’t know well and don’t send thank yoou notes.  You want FMIL’s friends to like you, it will help you maintain a good relationship with her.

Post # 10
46256 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

A thank you card is never overkill.

Post # 11
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@d-girl: Oh, I see now! Sorry about that. Hm. I guess maybe err on the side of too polite and just send two? Maybe adjusting the second round to say “So nice to see you again and thanks ___”

It’s extra cards, but people like getting cards in the mail. 🙂

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