Post # 1
A good friend is getting married and I am in her wedding. She has done a lot to celebrate me during my engagement so I was looking forward to the opportunity to celebrate her – she deserves it. When I initially talked with her about it, she at first said that us coming to visit her was more than enough. I was like “of course we will do a shower for you! Are you crazy?!” I was really excited and started emailing with the other bridesmaids. She even sent me a guest list with addresses. I got an IM from her to “hold off” on the shower list last Friday. I thought she was tweaking her list. Then I got an email yesterday from one of the other bridesmaids telling me that the bride didn’t want a shower. Instead she wants to lay out by the pool and have a low-key weekend.
I feel really hurt. I had already started to do a lot of work and was excitedly chatting with my friend about it. Then she didn’t even come to me herself. I have no relationship with this other bridesmaid, but the tone of email was…off-putting. I feel so confused and wounded. I tried to chat with her about it and she didn’t really say a lot (just that our visiting was more than enough) and then had to go. Maybe she was concerned about being a burden financially? But why couldn’t she tell me that herself?
Post # 3
Oh, I’m so sorry! It sounds like you were being really thoughtful and had put a lot of thought into this. In your friend’s defense, I have to say, I HATE showers. Not because I don’t love my friends and family, but because being surrounded by people who are there solely for the purpose of giving me gifts makes me incredibly uncomfortable and awkward. I never know how to act, the gift giving part of the day is horrible for me, and I have a lot of anxiety leading up to it. You wouldn’t think this about me, if you knew me, because I LOVE to be the center of attention. But I’m horribly uncomfortable with people doing things for me or giving things to me. I don’t know why. So when I read this, I thought that maybe your friend (the bride) has a similar problem. I kind of admire her for saying no to the shower, because I wasn’t able to do that, and I’m having 3 (1 down!). She really REALLY should have spoken to you in person, though, and I’m sorry that you feel badly. ((HUGS))
Post # 4
My guess is that she didn’t want to hurt your feelings because you were so excited, but also didn’t want the traditional shower and didn’t know how to tell you. I suggest giving her a call and letting her know that you’ll throw whatever shower she wants, and ask her to tell you what her dream shower would be.
Post # 5
If she wanted a low-key weekend laying by the pool, she should have told you that sooner. Ideally, when you first suggested a shower, and if not then, at the very least she should have told you that before/instead of sending you a guest list. The fact that she had the other Bridesmaid or Best Man tell you, that you don’t even really know, also strikes me as a bit rude. I can definitely understand your disappointment!
Post # 6
Aw, that is a disappointment. It seems you were doing a lot of work to make sure she had an amazing time. I would try to let the hurt feelings go though. I’m sure she didn’t mean to offend you. She has the option to request a low key weekend instead of a shower. Maybe she just tried to go along with tradition but couldn’t make it work for her.
Post # 7
Thanks! I don’t know why I’m so sensitive about this.
She always hosts thing for other people so I was suprised. But maybe she doesn’t want to be the center of attention, especially when gifts are involved. I loved my showers but also didn’t like opening gifts in front of people. So I get that.
MissHelen – I did tell her that this morning during our brief chat. I really am happy to do whatever she wants. I’m just hurt that I had to hear from somone else. The tone of the email was like she was doing me a favor by clueing me in. Just kind of rude. Had my friend come to me and been like “I really don’t feel comfortable” I would have completely understood and gone with it. But now I feel kind of isolated, that she has to communicate things to me through people I don’t know. I don’t know the other bridesmaids well, so now i just feel isolated from the whole bridal party 🙁 Maybe I am hormonal….?
Post # 8
Jennifer – you are right. I don’t think she meant to offend me at all. I need to remind myself of that.
Post # 9
Here’s my input. You said the email from the other bridesmaid was ‘off-putting’ but imagine if a friend told you to give a total stranger some ‘bad’ news. I imagine I’d write the email awkwardly as well. I mean, she doesn’t know you and she has to tell you this? How awkaward for BOTH of you. Just a possibility!
Post # 10
She probably has a lot on her plate and is just avoiding people trying to negotiate or argue with her. Keep in mind that you will be doing her a huge service if you can roll with whatever she wants with a happy and supportive attitude. I don’t think what she did was the most sensitive but she probably just didn’t think it out.
Post # 11
Also keep in mind that when you don’t want one of the “traditional” wedding things— be it a first dance, a shower, a stag do, a garter toss, or whatever— people often don’t respect your wishes and try and talk you into the very thing you don’t want. It’s almost always well-meaning; as an example, my fi really does not want a stag do, but every time he explains to a friend (male or female) that he doesn’t want that party, they ALWAYS try and talk him into it.
Perhaps her change of stance was last-minute because she was trying to decide herself what she really wanted, and her request to have the friend deliver the news was based in part by your insisting on throwing a shower even after she said that your visit would be enough? I’m in no way trying to make you the bad guy here! But she might not have felt comfortable in telling you No after she’d already tried to once and failed, and didn’t want to get into a situation where you’d end up bickering.
Post # 12
OP was posted 2 years ago, I think they’ve got it sorted out by now. 😉
Post # 13
ZOMBIE THREAD RESURRECTION!