Post # 1
One of my BMs has a 1 year old son. And I rarely get to see her anymore since he was born (actually since she got pg). I also have known her mother for as long as I’ve known her (she was a professor of mine and I worked as a TA for her) and I’ve been to her mothers house many times.
Anyway, the shower invites went out last week. And this weekend I saw my BM, who told me that her mother would not be able to come to the shower since she needed her to watch the baby. Well, I told her that the baby could come to the shower, since I know at least 4 other children that are coming and my mother and aunts and sister would all like to meet her son (they all know my BM, but haven’t met her son yet). And my BM seemed to like that idea. And I thought the problem was solved — and no one would have to miss the shower. Well, I just found out that she RSVP’ed that she was coming and her mom was going to stay home to watch the baby!
I guess I just feel like her mom does not want to come to the shower….I don’t know why they can’t ask her sister to watch the baby or find someone else that was not invited or just bring the baby! I might be over reacting, but I just feel like her mother does not want to come to my shower…and it hurts my feelings. Now I’m questioning if I should have invited her mother at all….I guess I’ll see if she comes to the wedding or not.
just needed to vent
Post # 3
You know, there is probably a good reason why she doesn’t want to bring the baby, so you should just give them both the benefit of the doubt that they are doing what’s best on this one. Maybe your friend simply wants an afternoon without the baby, to enjoy your shower, etc. Maybe there is something else personal that she doesn’t want to bring up. I wouldn’t infer that the mom won’t go to your wedding because she won’t be at the shower. IMO, there is a big difference between the two – a shower is a fun little celebration, but nothing like your actual wedding!
I feel like with weddings in general, there are lots of little slights. I think the best approach is to acknowledge when you are dissapointed, vent if needed (as you did!) and then move on! If you let this stuff weight you down, it will be too overwhelming.
Post # 4
Awww-don’t worry about it. Your friend’s mom probably thinks that it would be good for your friend to be there without worrying about the baby and so she can focus all of your attention on you.
Also, some people just don’t like showers. I dislike them so much that I don’t even want to have one but my mom and sisters say that isn’t happening so well cross that bridge when we come to it. My grandma never goes to showers and it is never anything personal so I would just concentrate on all of the bigger things you ahve to deal with. =)
Post # 5
I completely agree. Don’t stress about it. Maybe her sister is a flake and wouldn’t be a good babysitter. Maybe the mom doesn’t get much of an opportunity to spend alone with the baby. Or seeing that he is so new, maybe she just wants all the time she can get. And having children, I can completely understand your BM wanting a little time without looking after her little one. Maybe the baby is sick or difficult and she doesn’t want people to know. Maybe she’s OCD and doesn’t want people around him to get him sick. There could be a million reasons.
I am a little like you, I get sensitive and hurt feelings easily. I can over analyze things. Enjoy your shower.
Post # 6
I would’ve probably done the same as your BM…leave the baby at home with someone you trust and have a good time at the shower. If I brought the baby, I would be totally preoccupied with taking care of it. And I would feel terrible if the baby started crying – I would feel that it would be too disruptive to your event. The mother probably feels that as long as her daughter is there to represent the family, it should be fine. It doesn’t sound like she intended to hurt your feelings in any way.
Post # 7
Thank you ladies for the advice – it helps. I am definitely over sensitive and my feelings get hurt easily too – Tanya.
I like to think that her moms reason for not coming are that she just doesn’t like going to showers. She watches the baby alot – so I dont’ think that is it. And my BM works full time and the baby is a daycare all day, so its hard for me to think she needs a break, but maybe she does (but I still want to see her son once in awhile!!).
My FI thinks I’m completely over reacting too…
I just hope her mom comes to the wedding, or else I’ll have to deal with this all over again…
Post # 8
I do think you are overreacting. I had a friend that only left her child under another person’s care ONCE in the child’s first 9 months- and that person was her mother.
I thought it was weird that she couldn’t leave her kid with anyone, but as time went one I met more and more people that were intent on raising codependent children. Maybe your friend is one of them?
Another possibility- my cousin and his wife had a baby. I hadn’t met the baby by the time my shower rolled around and I was hoping that the wife would bring the baby. Well, she didn’t. She was so excited at the prospect of being baby-free for an afternoon that there was no way she was bringing that kid! Maybe your friend is looking forward to being child-free and catching up with you at the shower?
In any case, you can’t make people attend your shower. And given the history you mention with your friend and her mom, I doubt the mom suddenly started to dislike you!
Just relax and enjoy the shower!
Post # 9
It might not be that her mother doesnt want to come to the shower. Maybe she isn’t able to get you a gift, or maybe she wants to make sure that your friend isn’t distracted. I’m sure she’d love to be there for you, but for whatever reason cannot.
Maybe she was alreayd babysitting for another grandchild, and she can’t get out of it?
Post # 10
I agree with everyone here, there could be a million different reasons why the mother isn’t coming or why your friend wants to leave her baby with her instead of someone else. Maybe the mom thinks it’s more important for her daughter to go and not be worried about the baby while she hangs out and has fun. Just let it go and enjoy your shower. I bet you get a nice note from the mother afterwards and then this will seem so silly.
Post # 11
Great advice by all! Try not to read too much into it. I’m sure your friend will explain why at the shower and I’m sure it is nothing personal against you. Relax, or you’ll get caught up in reading into everyone’s responses, which will not bode well.