Weddingbee boards

Hello wonderful Bees.  I'm hoping someone will have some good advice for me!  Here is the situation:

My fiance and I have only been together less than two years.  We have been engaged for three months and have co-habbed for nine months.  The only problem is that he has an ex who seems to still be bitter and hanging on.  He doesn't talk to her or see her, but they were together for several years, so she is still close with some of his family/friends.  I have no problem with that or nor did she and I have an issue period until FI and I got serious and then she began to do some crazy things.  She has cussed me, texted my phone constantly, tried to get a guy to start a fight with FI (who was a friend of mine, so I was able to smooth it out, luckily), spread nasty lies to his family about me, used FI's niece to try to get information about us, called him crying, sent him inappropriate emails about some very personal medical tests she had to have, shown up at our house to throw a fit, and so the list goes on.  I haven't said anything to her about any of this, other than "I really don't appreciate being spoken to that way."  My theory has been that once we "x" (move in together, get engaged, etc), she will get over it and move on already.  That hasn't happened, but I am not threatened by her or really care enough to say anything to her, because at this point, I'm kind of over letting her shennanigans get to me.  Notice I say "her".

My fiance's best friend (groom) is getting married soon and also happens to be part of FI's family.  FI is in the wedding, as is the ex, who is very close to the bride.  The bride and I are not best friends, but we get along well and we all spend time together 2+ times a week.  The bride is having a combo shower/bachelorette party, and has not been shy about talking about it front of me.  I was told that she has invited 30+ people (including FI's whole family and all other female S.O.'s of the family)...but I was not invited.  I am invited to the rehearsal and the wedding itself, but am the only female who was not invited to the party. 

I am hurt by this, but had decided to just not say anything because I don't want to rain on any of her wedding-related parade.  However, the other invitees that I am close with (even some who are friends with the ex) have been telling me that it is ridiculous and that I should say something.  The problem is...I just don't know.  I partially feel like the bride is waiting for me to say something, but I haven't, even though we see each other frequently and she has openly talked about it in front of me several times.  The only reason I can come up with is because of the ex.  She just hates me and is the bride's best friend, although every single other female invitee was invited to the party and there will be 30+ people there, so I don't see why it would even be an issue.

I'm hurt, but I feel like I shouldn't say anything.  Time will work everything out and all...but it is hard to not say anything and just act oblivious when we are together and she discusses it and someone tells *us* to have fun at the party.  The main part that I'm having a hard time letting go of, is the feeling that "as long as the ex is still part of the family, I apparently won't ever be".  What would you do?  Would you try to find a kind way to discuss it, or just let it go?

I think you definitely need to have a conversation about it. If FI is related to the groom then you will have to be around these people for a long time.  I think you can approach it in a way that says "I'm not mad at you" (even if you are a little) but I was just wondering why....Or ask FI to talk to her/the groom to get the scoop. That being said, if this is a combo shower/party thing, she may only be inviting her closest friends. Perhaps she thinks it would not be appropriate for you to be a part of the "girl party" but doesn't know how to just include you for the shower part of it (if that makes sense).  Chances are, she is equally uncomfortable but feels like she needs to be accomodating to her bff. I would just remember that she is the bride, and she's probably feeling lots of stress and pressure to do lots of different things.  I would suggest your approach be cool, calm, and non-accusing.  Tell her you understand, but just want to clear the air so its not awkward.

Thanks for both sides of the advice.  I originally didn't want to say anything to the bride about it, because, hey, its her wedding and she can invite whomever she wants to the wedding-related events.  The fact that I was bothered about was that I was the only female not invited, so that felt somewhat like a subtle personal attack.  I had decided the best decision was just to let it go and not say anything.  Now I'm just not sure.  There are certain invited guests (including my fiance's sister) who are not going to attend the party because of this issue.  I specifically told those of FI's family members that I am close with that I did not want to make an issue of it, because I felt like that would make it worse.  Now, since FI's family members are upset and feel that my fiance and I were both disrespected, I'm wondering if I should say something before there is a family drama?