- 5 years ago
- Wedding: October 2013
For Pete’s sake…I never thought I would write an emotional post online but I sincerely have no one but FI to talk with about the matter. He’s given me his thoughts and supports me completely but I’m still tore up. Here’s the situation….
My parents divorced when I was 2. My mom and I lived with a friend of hers in a house until she met my step dad. They married a year later and we moved to another city about an hour away. My bio dad stalked me and my mom during that time and was awful to us both…burning my things and saying crazy crap to my mom. No matter, my mom always gave him the option to be in my life and fulfill his duties.
He was never consistent. Ever. Sometimes he would come through in terms of getting me on his weekends, most times not. There were many times he would lie (still does) about him coming to get me on his weekend and he just wouldn’t show. He would then avoid me and my mom for months. You can imagine how devestating this would be to a kid. He also never financially supported me…in that he didn’t pay child support. He used to tell me he couldn’t wait until I turned 18. Anytime my mom would try to get the DA after him he would quit his job because in my state you can’t make someone pay child support without a job. At one point, his long term gf was paying it! I will forever be grateful to her…such a sweet thing to do.
My mom and step dad married when I was 5. They are still married…I’m 35 now. My step dad was “there” for me in that he and my mom bought me clothes, fed me, etc but we didn’t have this emotional relationship. In fact, he started sexually abusing me when I was a pre-teen and he still attempts stuff… Its sickening and I hate to talk about it. But it’s true and it’s my life and I just had to deal with it.
After much therapy for both men, I have done a lot of forgiveness. Of course it’s still emotional but I move on…
When I got engaged and called my bio dad to tell him he became irate (usual for him) because I didn’t get his approval before it happened and he hadn’t met my FI yet. Well, still to this day, my bio dad still doesn’t come through. He never comes to see me and I have tried to plan mnay things with him and he still blows me off. I never considered him an option for walking me down aisle. I feel he lost that right a looooong time ago. And it’s never felt right. The reason he hasn’t met FI yet is because I can’t get him to commit to anything to see each other. After this call, in Dec, I haven’t heard from him. I promised I would keep he and his wife in the loop and I have. He will still be invited to wedding.
Naturally I would have picked my step dad but I don’t want my wedding day tainted with him trying to cop a feel. I also never wanted to make a choice between the two men. Nothing about that ever felt right.
Yesterday, FI and I were talking and an idea popped into my head…I should ask my mom and her twin sister (my god mother). I had this really sincere, emotional reaction and FI saw that I felt happy. I was proud of my choice and felt it was a good idea.
Today, my mom and I are ordering my dress. I was planning on asking her then. I called the house and got my step dad. I figured now was as good as time as any to tell him my idea (I wanted to be honest and not hide anything, should he have certain expectations). He was less than enthused. He kept saying it’s your wedding but I could tell he was deeply hurt. He has a daughter that’s older than me that got married at 16 and never got a chance to walk her down the aisle and I know he feels since he “raised” me, he should have that right.
I am waiting for my mom to call me back and in the meantime I’m just really twisted and have no idea what to do. FI thinks I made the right choice but I feel AWFUL because even thought I’ve been hurt, I haven’t wanted to hurt anyone. I just wanted to make a choice that felt right to me. My mom and step dad are paying for stuff so that makes me feel even worse.
What are your thoughts?