- 5 years ago
- Wedding: June 2015
I’ve been dating my SO for 2 years, we’re in a LDR, and he has a lot of commitment issues but is getting serious about thinking and talking about marriage with me. He’s told me that, if we were to get married, he’d want to get married in a couple of years, not wait longer. It kind of worries me, and I’d like to get engaged this year or shortly thereafter, and would like to get married sometime in 2014, ideally. Of course, neither of us know where we’ll be living then, since our jobs are hard to predict. The lack of predictability in my life, both personal and professional, is often frustrating for me, and more than a little scary.
My LDR/waiting is pretty hard on me sometimes, especially because I keep picking up negative attitude signals from my mom. A lot of hints here and there about people who “stayed 5 years in a dead-end relationship,” a lot of great stories about women who got engaged after just a few months when they finally met the right one, lots of probing questions about whether things are really hard for me in the LDR. It’s hard because all these subtle comments make me feel more insecure and also make me feel even more protective of my relationship. I’d told her, VERY early on in our dating, that I’d probably have a good idea of whether I loved him just a few months in. She reminded me of that as soon as that time was up, and has acted dubious about him ever since. I feel a good bit of disapproval and skepticism from her, though she is polite and nice on the surface. I’ve known her my whole life, and I can tell when she is unimpressed with people, and when she is biting her tongue (and still letting slip negativity). My SO makes me happy, and we’ve been doing our best given the distance between us, and I think our relationship has steadily improved.
The hardest thing right now is that my mom keeps telling me that she and my dad won’t have any money for trips or to go visit family until 2015. Call me crazy, but it feels like it’s fishing for info on our timeline (which I haven’t told her in case it doesn’t work out; if we get married, I want her to like my husband, and if we miss our timeline deadline, I don’t want her to say stuff that makes me feel bad). Like, I’d ideally like to get married in 2014, but I can’t tell her, “Oh, well I might want you to travel in 2014!” because obviously I have no idea whether I’ll actually be able to get married then. But if I DON’T say anything, she could interpret it as us not planning to get married until 2015 anyway.
Maybe I just sound paranoid and weird, but I know how my mom loves to fish for information and timelines, and it just gets me a bit down. It also gets me down that she and dad wouldn’t (apparently) be able to save up some money for plane tickets if I got engaged this year. I kind of don’t believe that! It isn’t so impossible to save money.
There’s really nothing I can do about any of this, but it’s tiresome. I’m trying quite hard to Shut It Up, and it has made ME feel better and less stressed.
Argh, maybe the truth is, I have no idea how we’d afford to get married or where we would even live if we did, and my mom talking about travel plans YEARS in advance makes me worry more about the details of a future I cannot possibly predict.