Shy couple and a heartbroken mom… Do I do it or say no

posted 3 years ago in Traditions
Post # 2
Member
760 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - Gold Hill Gardens

Could you do a toss of some thing else? Like movie tickets? Then your husband won’t have to go under your dress (completely with you there) – nor would you have to focus only on the single friends . . . If your mom really wants you to do a toss of something . . .

Post # 3
Member
1441 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Yeah, I think that’s a bizarre tradition and there is no way in hell I would do it no matter what my mom or anyone else said.  Stand your ground.

Post # 5
Member
1298 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I think this is a really weird thing for your mom to focus on. I don’t like that tradition either and we did not do a bouquet toss or garter toss at my wedding. I would just tell your mom that you are not comfortable with it. period. 

Post # 6
Member
3047 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Haruyou: If you don’t want to do the garter, don’t do it. I wouldn’t classify myself as particularly shy, but I wasn’t comfortable with that one either so we just didn’t do it. As for the wedding bouquet, we had like one single adult female at our wedding – no way I was going to do that to her. Instead I brought my bouquet to my grandpas’ grave so that he could be included in the wedding to some extent – so there are non-traditional things you can do with your bouquet that are still meaningful. Perhaps you can do something similar to commemorate a loved one of yours? Or hand the bouquet to the couple at your reception that have been married the longest? I’ve heard some people do that and I think it’s a really sweet gesture.

Post # 7
Member
760 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - Gold Hill Gardens

Whoops, I was unclear in my post . . . I meant I am completely with you in disliking the garter removal and toss! 

Perhaps you could do a toss of a small bouquet (or something) with something related to your first date? If you went to dinner, a gift card to a restaurant, or movie tickets, or a day pass to a park. Don’t focus on the singletons, let anyone who wants it join in the fray . . .

Post # 8
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

We’re doing the bouquet toss but skipping the garter. Honestly I don’t think we actually have any single guys on the list.

Post # 9
Member
3709 posts
Sugar bee

I didn’t do either – and I was married in 1977. My daughter’s aren’t doing either (2013 and 2014 weddings). P.S. I have a feeling, that once you get over this issue, they’ll be another one down the line.

Post # 10
Member
1266 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

We’re doing a bouquet and garter toss, but we’re not limiting it to single people and we’re going to give the people who catch it a prize. You can always just give your FI a garter to throw rather than wearing one and having him take it off.<br />

Post # 12
Member
42510 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

You don’t have to do either tradition if you don’t want to, but it seems you are trying to come up with something to make your Mom happy.

Many couples still do the garter toss without the groom “going under the dress” in such an exaggerated fashion.  When it comes time, the bride simply disappears around a corner for a minute and slides the garter down her leg under the dress. You can place it as low as you are comfortable and where it will stay in place for a couple of minutes- even as low as just under he knee. The groom can then reach the garter with total discretion.

As for the bouquet, if there aren’t many unmarried women, it seems a bit of a waste. Why not surprise your Mom, or Grandmother by presenting them with your bouquet? No tossing required.

Post # 13
Member
1466 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Haruyou:  This is a totally different approach and maybe not answering your question… it really sounds like you and your mom are not on the same page right now, and I bet that sucks for both of you because you are so close.

Could you ask your mom to set aside some time to talk about all of this wedding stuff? Tell her you want to talk about what each of you want, what you are experiencing going through the planning of the wedding. Give each other a chance to own the floor and tell it all while the other listens with an open heart, not interrupting, just taking it in. Even if it doesn’t mean that you do what she wants, she feels heard, and it could bring you closer together. And hopefully she will hear you too and she loves you enough to want the best for you. Feel free to ask more if I’m not explaining this well

Post # 15
Member
577 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

When I read the title and first half of this post, I thought you were going to say something like you want to elope and your mom is hurt that she won’t be there. Garter and bouquet tosses are really very, very minor aspects of a wedding. I’m going to bet that it’s not those elements themselves that your mom is upset about, but she’s sad that your getting married will mean that the two of you will be less close in the future or that she won’t be as important in your life. It’s pretty common for moms to feel that way, especially because from what you said, the two of you have been extremely close. Planning your wedding involves a whole lot of decision-making, and this is probably the first major thing you’ve planned in partnership with your FI where you mom isn’t as involved.

I would have a heart-to-heart with her and reassure her that you’ll always have a special relationship and her opinion will always matter in your life. She probably feels a little left out in the busyness of wedding planning, so take some time to do mother-daughter things that aren’t about the wedding. Be firm about wedding decisions and just tell her that you’re not comfortable with the garter toss and the bouquet toss doesn’t make sense logistically. But still show her that you value her opinion in other areas.

And I agree with a PP about planning a special way to give your bouquet to your mom in recognition of her importance in your life.

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