Shyness mistaken for arrogance? hurt by coworker's remarks

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
9949 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Do you have a face that doesn’t look happy when you’re just normal?  Maybe that, coupled with not talking, is why.

Post # 4
Member
7997 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@temporary:  Us introverts can have it rough. I would just continue to be nice to her, and if her perception doesn’t change, then that’s her problem. I hate it when people don’t like me, but I am learning to let go. There’s only so much I can control.

Post # 5
Member
846 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I am the exact same way. I am shy to the point that people mistake me for being snobby.

To combat this, I try to smile more. Basically, I just try to appear more approachable and it seems to work. I still don’t really take the initiative to introduce myself to someone but at least, people don’t seem to be intimidated by me anymore. 

It sucks that your coworker said this about you but I would just try to forget about it. There’s really not much you can do to change her perception of you short of confronting her. 

Just let her think whatever she wants. And the people that truly get to know you will not think you’re snobby at all 🙂

Post # 6
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

You can’t worry about everyone liking you. It could be because you are shy, or she could just not like you.

SO is shy. He comes across as arrogant and rude at times. I never thought of him that way, but other people have. He can’t help it. That’s him. He’s actually a very gentle and kind person. I think it would benefit him professionally to be less shy, but that’s not something that will ever change.

Not everyone will confuse your shyness with arrogance. She’s obviously mistaken. Try not to worry about it too much.

Post # 7
Member
1465 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

One time, someone called me “boring and exclusive” because she was a friend of a friend, sitting at a lunch table with myself and my two other friends that she was aquainted with. She seemed really shy, and a little awkward, so I tried to talk about slightly mundane things (classes, funny stories) to open up the conversation and make her feel included. I may have veered a little toward inside jokey stuff with my two friends, as friends talking together at lunch are wont to do. She later reported back to our mutual friend, “Sitting with GoldfishPie at lunch earlier this week was torture. She’s so boring and exclusive.”

 

Sometimes you really can’t win, ever.

 

Post # 8
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@temporary:  Sorry, I have the same problem sometimes! I have really bad social anxiety so I don’t typically go out of my way to talk to people I don’t know, but I try to smile and be polite/nice too. When I was younger (HS, college etc.) people would say I was intimidating, as I’ve gotten older I’ve heard people who’ve never really even had a conversation with me calling me a bitch or stuck up, it hurts! I’m not really sure what I’m doing to give this impression to people, I’m just not super outgoing!

The ironic thing is, if I hear someone going around calling me a bitch behind my back I’m not really interested in making friends with that person anymore, and might end up being a little bitchy when I’m around them because my feelings are hurt or I’m uncomfortable around them. The only thing you can really do is not fall into that pattern and kill her with kindness so she sees how wrong she is. Good luck! 

Post # 9
Member
5932 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@temporary:  In a world of extra extroverted people who put everything they’ve got out there in every way imaginable….an individual that stands in the background and watches from afar is a strange creature indeed…I am one of these people, and since I’ll admit that I’m terribly aloof and cagey, it doesn’t bother me in the least when people are put off by it….you can’t be everyone’s cup of tea…but if I get to know someone and we connect, they’ll never find a more loyal friend…..so their loss if they think I suck…I know I don’t.

 

Post # 10
Member
7279 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@MsW-to-MrsM:  You can’t worry about everyone liking you. It could be because you are shy, or she could just not like you.

I agree. You don’t have any control over peoples perceptions. There is this lady at work that I originally thought was a total bitch. I avoided her for months. Turns out once you know her, she’s lovely and pretty funny. So I tend to judge people fairly quickly, however, I still keep an open mind. I know that sometimes my impressions just maybe wrong. 

Post # 11
Member
4576 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Nona99:  +1

@temporary:  I am the exact same way. I was raised:

a) not to speak unless spoken to

b) not to talk unless I could contribute something to the conversation

c) that “you can be hated for saying to much, but no one can hate you for saying too little.”

As you can see, not talking fucking constantly was a pretty big theme growing up. I’ve taken it into adulthood and tend to observe for awhile before getting involved in a conversation…and alot of people like to take that, combined with being decent looking, and run with it in the form of calling me “snotty.”

This, in particular, resonated with me:

“Usually the people who think I’m snobby are the ones who NEVER have spoken to me and just base it on perception.”

Exactly: the ones who have never taken the time to get to know you, but call you snotty, are not the kinds of folks you need to worry about.

Say what you will about quiet people, but it definitely helps weed out the assholes.

Post # 12
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@temporary:  I have the exact same problems at work. And the worst thing about it is that you can’t control people and a lot of times you don’t even know they half of what they think about you. My family was very blessed to be comfortable and to have nice things, but it’s a curse that has followed me my entire life. I would drop down and give someone the shirt off of my back if they needed it, and those that know me know good and well that I am nothing like what others perceive me as. I have been called all sorts of things through out the years, but I’ve always went by this saying:

 

“It’s not what they call you, but what you answer to.”

 

Because some people just will not like you. It’s unfortunate that they’ve made that pre-determination, but it’s the way it is. And you canNOT let them stop you from being you!

Post # 13
Member
399 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I have this same problem – although I am not super shy, I have what I like to call “permanent bitch face”. Everyone thinks I’m a snob/bitch/rude/arrogant/intimidating. And almost 100% of the time this is coming from people who have never even had a conversation with me! I’ve learned to just accept it. People who are non-judgemental enough to actually get to know me find out the truth, and the rest of them are people I probably wouldn’t want to be friends with anyway! 

Post # 14
Member
1553 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Are you me? Did I write this post? Lol. Seriously, I’m exactly like that. It takes me quite a while to open up to new people, and I’m always cautious with new people. I moved 500+ miles away from home 9 months ago, and haven’t made a single friend in my new town because of that. :- I think shy people are often mistaken as being rude or snobby.. people often think we don’t talk much because we think we’re above them, etc. Not the case at all. I get bullied at work sometimes for being shy/quiet, but it’s just who I am.

http://seriouslyforreal.com/seriously-for-real/top-10-myths-about-introverts/

^I read this on Pinterest the other day, and it made me feel better about being an introvert.. I feel like it’s so true.

 

You’re not alone!!

Post # 15
Member
9220 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’ve had the same experience, so many times.  Try not to let it get to you.  Sometimes people don’t understand those of us who keep our thoughts close to the vest.  It’s their problem, not yours.  There is nothing wrong with you just the way you are.

Post # 16
Member
2571 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I suffer from this too.  It took me a long time to make friends where I moved from and have had a hard time making new ones here but the friends I do have, they took the time to get to know me and not assume I was a B.

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