Post # 1
Sensitive topic but I need some advice-
I have a sibling who suffers with anxiety and when they are having an episode they become very violent. Yesterday while they were over visiting my home they suffered an anxiety apisode which led them to punching a hole through my wall in anger. my sibling is 23y/o. this is not the first time the have damaged property- my parents house whom he lives with has seen many holes and doors damaged in these anger episodes. however Im extremly upset, hurt and also angry they he would do this in my home as I see this as a huge sign of disrespect. I’m having a hard time figuring out what to do and say.
We have tried getting him to a doctor and he is normally a good kid but is become increasingly more angrY. He quit his job, dropped out of school. We can see he is also suffering from depression but when one of us tries talking to him to get him help he just gets angry and again destroys my parents home.
Calling the police is not an option as we do not want to ruin the rest of his life, I’m just looking for advice on how to deal with this situation and I guess typin this out may get out some of the hurt I feel from my own home being destroyed… Any words?
Post # 3
None of what you’ve said here precludes him from understanding what he did was wrong and having an obligation to remedy it. Present him with a bill and an equivalent of work he can do around your house if he doesn’t have the money.
He’s an adult now. The only person who can fix him, is him.
Post # 4
@spiced latte: I would not allow him in my home until he underwent some serious medical treatment and counseling. 23 years old is not a kid. It’s not like he doesn’t know right from wrong, correct?
You cannot control others’ behavior. If he chooses to behave the way he does, all you can do is insulate yourself from it. If he gets crazy like that, it’s my opinion that calling the police is the most appropriate course of action. You say you don’t want to ruin his life, but you aren’t the one making the choice to behave in an illegal manner. When he makes those choices, he makes the choice to ruin his future.
Let him suffer the consequences of his actions rather than continue to enable him.
Post # 5
I would simply tell him he’s not welcome in my home until he gets his anger under control. And I’d bill him for the repair.
My bff has a brother with emotional problems and it makes me sick the way she excuses his behavior an won’t deal with it. I’m so afraid something will happen to her…
Anyway, IMO, he should be held accounable for his actions. Are you going to wait until he hurts someone?
Post # 6
@spiced latte: Make him fix it. I get that you don’t want to call the police, but at least give him some kind of consequence. He won’t stop doing these things if he gets away with them.
Post # 7
He sounds like he has serious anger issues. You need to get the doctor or police involved or he could become another one of those statistics on the news.
Post # 8
- Wedding: May 2013 - Kempinski San Lawrenz, Gozo
If you call the police you will not be ruining his life. If he wasn’t doing anything wrong, there would be no need for the police to intervene. Which means that his behaviour is causing the need for police intervention.
If I were you I would calmly inform him that as an adult, he is responsible for the consequences to his own actions. I would calmly (and from a distance, if you feel he might be violent) give him an ultimatum: get help, or it will leave you with no choice but to call the authorities. Tell him it’s not something you want to do, but it’s something you HAVE to do, and that you would be much happier if you didn’t have to call the police.
Post # 9
As someone who has a very serious mental illness myself, I would expect some repercussions if I were to ever behave so out of hand. Call the authorities or bill him for the damage because, anxiety or not, he is responsible and well aware that his actions have consequences. It sounds like (and forgive me if I’m wrong) everyone walks on eggshells around him and allows him to behave violently with little to no negative feedback. He’s not a child anymore, it’s time everyone starts treating him like an adult.
Post # 10
This has been going on for years but progressively getting worse- yesterday was my final straw. he is an adult and ive told him all along that he needs to take responsibility- that’s actually what led to him punching a wall yesterday- he repeatedly states that his anger stems from everyone always talking to him about his lack of motivation. He says it’s anxiety that is causing him to be isolated. He says he doesn’t want to hear about him not going to school or working- mind you he lives rent free with my parents- they pay his phone and internet bill and all his food. Kicking him out of the house is also not an option because I think we are dealing with someone with some mental health issues and we all want to help but don’t know how to efectively. Do we leave him alone complety and hope he gets his life together? Not to dismiss the fact that mental health is a serious issue- but could he just be using it as an excuse? at home he locks himself in his room and plays video games- but he goes out with friends all the time. And does it even matter that his anxiety makes him so angry he becomes violent- is the anxiety and excuse for this behavior ??
Post # 11
I would never call the police, but I would require him to pay for it or to fix it himself.
Post # 12
@spiced latte: If it were me, I’d make him pay for the damage and he would never be allowed in my home ever again.
“Anxiety” does not mean that one is exempt from consequences for ones behavior, nor does it mean that one (especially at 23 years old!) does not know wrong from right.
Post # 13
Also adding that he will be paying for the wall he damaged.
Post # 14
I have severe anxiety. He does not have anxiety. He suffers from spoiled baby brat syndrome. Ppl like him are just making ppl with real anxiety look like whackos. He just doesn’t want to work, go to school, pay bills or feed himself. He’s figured out that he doesn’t have to since everyone else does it for him. I’m sorry to be so harsh about him but ppl like him anger me greatly.
Do not let him convince you that it’s anxiety because it’s an issue of his anger.
He has anger issues,
Post # 15
I appreciate all the honesty and the personAl views. It’s not so much an issue for me as I don’t see him often but my parents are suffering and I’m trying to help them. Having never been surrounded by mental illness I dont know if that’s what it is or just a behavioral issue.
Post # 16
- Wedding: May 2013 - Kempinski San Lawrenz, Gozo
I am a mental health social worker, and I’ve seen this situation happen again and again. Even though your brother has mental health problems, he is still an adult and he should be given the opportunity to ask for help. He also has the right and duty to know about the consequences to his actions, even if that means getting the authorities involved.
If all that fails, and your brother is a threat to his or other people’s safety and well-being, maybe he isn’t mentally fit to make certain decisions about himself after all, and someone who cares about him (you or your parents) might need to make that decision for him.
Either way, he needs to learn that there are consequences to his behaviour – whether that behaviour is positive or negative. If you eventually need to call the police, it doesn’t mean you don’t love or care about him. It means you’re taking care of yourself, and that the situation has become more than you are able to handle.
I’ve seen a lot of people improve after being given court-mandated psychiatric/psycholocial assistance…but sadly, it depends on whether the authorities decide to take things seriously.