Post # 1
It always surprises me that people delay their engagements because a sibling has gotten engaged. (A short delay of a few weeks makes sense, but not for months as some folks do.) The rationale is generally that the first engaged ought to enjoy the spotlight. I tend to think that engagements are personal decisions of a couple and other people shouldn’t have much bearing on them. It seems like there is a chance I might get engaged in the next six months and my bf’s younger brother is buying a house with his girlfriend of 5+ years (who is graduating from B-school this year) so I suspect they may be closing in as well. I don’t think this would be a problem for us, because I doubt they care, in fact at Christmas all four of us and another couple were all arguing reasons why the others should get married first. (e.g. the longest dating couple of 7.5 years claimed you calculate by adding age over 35 and doubling it, easily making us the winner). But I’m curious about what factors people think should matter, beyond the obvious that if one person would be really upset if you didn’t wait, then for the sake of the relationship, you wait.
Does age matter? I’m 31, bf is 34, bf’s brother is 31, bf’s girlfriend is 27.
Does gender matter? Two brothers, as opposed to two sisters or a sister/brother?
Does how long you dated matter? When you want to get married? Other factors?
Post # 3
i don’t think any of it matters. an engagement isn’t exclusive to anyone. you didn’t wait to start dating someone because your sibling just started dating someone so why would you schedule engagements around each other? i just don’t see the big fuss to be honest. i think the only thing that matters is you’re ready to get engaged.
Post # 4
I hope this doesn’t come off wrong-
Honestly I think you are just reading way to much in to this. Engagements should be spontaneous, and you should be surprised! It takes all the fun out of it if you have to try to plan your engagement, or worry about having him wait long enough so other people have their “spotlight” ! When each of the men are ready, they will ask, and it wont matter who did what when. You will each have your own spotlight on your wedding days, so I dont think it matters too much about the engagement. I never talked to my “Future Husband” about getting engaged because I wanted him to ask when/if he was ready and wanted to. It took 4 years, and I wouldn’t have it any other way, because it was the best surprise ever!
Post # 5
@sammie_trejo: Oh, I am not worried at all. I was merely curious because I’ve seen postings elsewhere on the Bee, where people did worry, so I was trying to understand why people do. Just one of the many things about which I get curious.
That said, I disagree in part on the complete surprise regarding engagements. I personally see nothing wrong – and some good – from talking about engagements with your SO at the right time (and of course not all the time). Nowadays I think a lot of people talk about it in advance, along with houses, kids, etc. that goes along with general life. That said, of course I would want to be surprised with the actual proposal!
Post # 6
In my culture no one cares. There’s no spotlight on engagements either.
Actually a lot of the time when families or close friends have series of good things like that happening around, ppl see it as a fortune…
Post # 7
I wouldn’t lose sleep over the timing of it all. If I had control over when the proposal would happen, I might wait a couple months because I’d honestly want to celebtrate it with my family for a little bit. But it wouldn’t be because I felt that etiquette REQUIRED me to. It would ony be because I wanted to. Everyone is different. Some people would be bothered by it, personally, I’m not and I know others that wouldn’t be either. It’s not like you’re planning on your wedding to be on the same day as theirs.
Post # 8
For me personally, one of the reasons I can think of that would matter is if the parents are paying for the wedding. I do think two daughters, for example, getting engaged and planning a wedding at the same time might be a financial burden on the parents which could impact the whole expereince of wedding planning.
Post # 9
I don’t think it really matters about when the proposal will happen. I especially think for two guys because their parents don’t have to pay for much (or any) of the weddings so when they get engaged doesn’t matter. I think it matters more when their are sisters involved.
Example, my two cousins (both girls) are two years apart and both were in really serious relationships. The older sister, got engaged around Thanksgiving. Two weeks later, her younger sister announced she was pregnant. Then it seemed everyone paid more attention to my pregnant cousin than my just engaged cousin and she was jealous of having her thunder stolen by her younger sister.
I just think it depends on the situation but gender I think plays more into it. I don’t think you have anything to worry about with your Boyfriend or Best Friend and his brother. I think it will be equally exciting for their family no matter what.
Post # 10
I know that I’ve read a lot of post about hurt feelings over other couples “taking the spotlight” away from their engagement by getting engaged shortly after. But PP’s make a good point: it really depends on the siblings. Brothers tend to be more “Eh, whatever,” where sisters would be more inclined to be upset.
However, how would the Future Sister-In-Law feel? Would her feelings be hurt? If you got engaged and then she got engaged a week or so later, would you feel a little upset about it? Just playing the devil’s advocate here.
But really, if it were me, it wouldn’t bother me very much considering she’s not your Boyfriend or Best Friend sister.
Post # 11
I do not think that someone should have to hold off their engagement or wedding just because of a sibling. I had to do it (because Future Sister-In-Law is a personzilla not just a bridezilla) and I think it is absolutely ridiculous! I can understand holding off your engagement for a month or holding off your wedding for about a month or two but anything more is crazy.
My Future Sister-In-Law got engaged last year, about a month and a half after she got engaged my now Fiance told her that he was going to propose to me in a few months. She freaked out saying that he was stealing her spot light. Because of this my engagement was pushed back 6 months. When Fiance and I actually did get engaged she freaked out again because we want the same time of year, so we pushed our wedding back a year. I feel like I am putting my life on hold so someone else can live their life, it irks me so much.
Post # 12
I could see delaying weddings a bit if the parents are paying for them, but if you guys are paying for them yourself and everyone is cool with it, I don’t see a problem.
Post # 13
Eh this is a little sticky. My brother proposed to his now-wife after my husband was already ring shopping and it did suck a little bit because it was a total shock to us and (stupid as it sounds) I didn’t want us to look like we were “copying” (especially after some of my family made jokes about this “putting the pressure on” my husband).
It sounds like your situation is different though because everyone kind of knows you’ll both be getting engaged soon. I think whats more important is spacing the weddings out a bit. I pushed our wedding back 6 months later than I originally wanted to give some breathing room after my brother’s wedding. I just wanted to make it easier for our family (particularly our parents). Plus that kind of gave them their time and us our time.
Post # 14
My brother got engaged shortly after me, and will be getting married a month before me. I could not be more thrilled about it. First of all, it means that all of the siblings will be getting married in age order (which I think is pretty cool). More importantly, the timing is just right for my brother and his new fiancee.
I think that when to get engaged is a very personal decision for a couple, and a decision that should be made regardless of the relationship status of your siblings/friends/peers.
Post # 15
My parents went through this. As my dad was picking up the phone to tell his parents he was engaged, his sister called to announce her own engagement… And they’d picked the same date. Since her call got through first, she got the date. 🙂
Post # 16
We had about 10 couples we know, including my BF’s little brother get engaged summer/fall 2010, and we’ve had 3 couples get maried already, with at least one more, maybe two, coming up before 2011 is over. Boyfriend or Best Friend said it put him off from doing it because ‘everyone’ was doing it, and he didn’t want to just be taking part in a trend (not that it’s his only reason, but it didn’t help with anything except allowing for a logical reason to talk about it).