Post # 1
So, the story technically begins a month ago when my fiance proposed by the beautiful Notre Dame in Paris. The words were perfect, the ring is perfect and I just spent 2 days elated. The reception of the engagement with the family was rather less happy, and mostly met with confusion and arguments. All, in all, not a great start. But after 2 weeks of arguing we managed to pull it together, sort everything out and start enjoying our engagement.
However, less than a month after our engagement my sister also announces hers. There’s a loooooong backstory to this; she has always been very dominant and for the last 20 or so years I’ve been struggling to find any degree of limelight in my family, being the more quiet and shy one. I was so looking forward to being ‘the bride’ for at least a couple of months (my sister has been in a almost decade long relationship so their engagement is hardly a surprise), be in a unique position where I could talk to my parents about readings and music for the ceremony and go dress shopping with the female members of the family. Needless to say, that I feel that my sister’s engagement has thrown everything back to square one, especially as we were looking at a longer engagement to save up for the wedding, and she’s now planning to have hers next year without even checking what our plans are. After the slightly rough start of the engagement with my family I finally started feeling like the blushing bride and really enjoying the happiness around.
Apparently my sister’s fiance was already planning on popping the question but my fiance accidentally beat him to it. Even though our engagement was announced in the family he decided to go ahead anyway regardless of how my fiance and I might feel about it. Since they’ve been together for almost a decade they’ve had more than enough time to get engaged so a large part of my sadness and confusion comes from the fact that it just had to be within a month of my engagement, despite plenty of previous and future opportunity.
Am I just being vindictive and using this as an outlet for deeper family issues or and I justified in thinking that my sister waltzing in like that and assuming I’m just OK with everything, planning her wedding before I even managed to set a date? (we’ve been trying to have a meeting with the vicar but unfortunately the meeting was cancelled due to an emergency) I don’t approve of her FH, he has said hurtful things on many an occasion and has made it clear he doesn’t think much of the PhDs that my FH and I are both on the verge of completing at Oxford Uni, while he’s hardly looking at a stellar career himself. I fear that this may be the death blow to the sibling relationship and I’m even more sad that I’ve spent the first month of my engagement crying rather than smiling.
Can anyone please give me some advice? I’m starting to go slowly crazy here because i’m so mad at my sister but I also feel so badly for hurting my parents by being openly angry (I’ve talked to them about it, and they’re now very supportive and say that my engagement is no less happy or unique because of my sister’s). What do I do??
Post # 3
p.s. sorry about this very long post (and the typos), just had to vent
Post # 4
You will see many similar posts on here and everyone says you get one day and you can’t expect people to wait or not wait to do things because of your wedding, etc. However, I can understand feeling sad because when it is 2 sisters, you are going to be talking about wedding plans with the same parents and family members.
If she wants to get married next year and you want a longer engagement then let it be. This will give you the time to save for your own wedding and get hers out of the way.
Post # 5
Since it was your sister’s Fiance that popped the question, I don’t really see how their engagement could be due to your sister being dominant, as you say–unless you think she nagged him into doing it when he did. Even so, I would just try to move on. I think it’s okay to be upset/angry about it, but remember–you’ll still get to be the bride on your wedding day. I would just let them plan the wedding for whenever they want to plan it and focus on your own timeline and school. Don’t let your anger turn this into a competition between you and your sister, which might be exactly what she wants. Try to think of it postively–if she’s getting married next year, you’ll be able to use some of the research she does for her wedding (vendors, pricing, etc). You said yourself that you wanted to have a longer engagement.
Post # 6
These replies already made me feel better, thanks so much 🙂 I know I should just shrug, move on and focus on the fact that the man of my dreams still wants to marry me after a month of family related rants, snotty noses and drama. I guess we’re definitely road-testing the ‘for better and for worse’ here!
Post # 7
Yes, shrug and move on.
You cannot control what your sister and/or her FH do. If they want to hog attention and get married in great fanfare a week before you do, then that’s what they’re going to do.
You CAN however, control your own life. If you want your time in the limelight, then wait for her to set a date and then set yours for a year later. But recognize that there are pluses and minuses to that as well: you’ll be the only bride for that year, but your parents and family (especially if they’re helping to pay) might be a little more subdued on the whole thing.
Finally, the other thing that you need to start doing is looking at your relationship and your future marriage as the start of YOUR family. In other words, drop all that baggage about not being #1 in your old family–because it really is your OLD family now and that’s the old you. You’ve found someone you love to be a new family with and that’s your future. Focus on that and let go of the drama.
Post # 8
@Oxfordnerd: My sister (whom I’m very close to BTW) announced her engagement two weeks after mine. I didn’t care, being as I got proposed to a week AFTER my brother. I am getting married a month before my brother but my sister is getting married in 2012. Her Fiance doesn’t like it but my family can’t be running up and down all over America for weddings. I’m sorry things are bad with your sister, but I think this is more because of underlying issues with your sister than the fact that she got engaged about a month after you. I’m sure she is over the moon because she’s been dating this guy for a decade. I can’t even imagine the kind of questions she’d been asked all while she was dating. If I were you, I’d just go on and try and enjoy my engagement and see if I can work on my relationship with my sister.
Post # 8
I think that is awful of your sister and your family. If I were you I would have set a date before their wedding and see how they felt about having their thunder stolen.