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This is a purely hypothetical situation that hopefully will not come to fruition but it got me thinking today.
I'm currently 16 weeks pregnant with our first, which will also be the first grandchild on my side of the family. My brother and his wife are also pregnant and are now 11 weeks along, so we'll be having two grandchild in quick succession in our family.
DH and I are set on not finding out the gender of our baby and want to be surprised at birth. My brother and his wife are going to find out their baby's gender at the 20 week ultrasound.
DH and I have decided on two boy names and two girl names for our LO but are keeping them fairly quiet for right now, although my mom and sister know the names we like. I'm not sure whether my brother and his wife have talked about names for their LO yet.
It got me thinking, what if they decide on a name once they find out what they're having and it happens to be a name we had chosen for our baby. Granted we have two options for each, but we definitely have a strong preference for one over the other with each gender. Since our baby will likely be born first, would we still go ahead and use the name, or defer to them since they found out the gender earlier and therefore settled on a name earlier?
This is all just hypothetical and I will probably tell my brother our name choices soon so it doesn't become an issue, but I was just wondering people's thoughts on the matter.
I think whoever produces a real live baby first gets first dibs. That said, if a sibling mentioned a name that I was considering, but had several others that I liked almost as much, I'd at least have a quick "negotiation" with them.
If I were you, I'd probably throw your favourite names out there now, to sort of "call" them, haha. I voted that whoever has the baby first gets to choose their name first.
It's tough when it's a hypothetical situation, because you never really know how you would react.
For now, I'm in the camp that it is ok to have someone with the same name in the family. If the last names are the same, it gets a little more tricky, but it is still up to each set of the parents.
ETA: I agree that whoever has the baby first gets to name the baby what they want, but if that's the same as the only name that the second baby's parents want to name him/her, then they get to name him/her that too.
My 2 FSIL had this issue. The oldest twin wanted to name her kid Brady and so did the other twin. The older twin had the kid first and got to name him Brady and when 2nd twin had her kid she name her kid Brody. BTW do you know how confusing it is when I try to call them because I get all sort of confused.
I am actually terrified of this happening to me. I'm sure it's an irrational fear, but still. I know I wouldn't want to tell the name beforehand to a lot of people, but if it had to come up or it was a family name or something I probably would try to "call" it if I was due first.
I don't know, I think it can be a bit complicated. Especially if it's a family name, for instance.
I do think that whoever has the baby first gets "dibs" on the name. But...it gets complicated when other factors come into play. Say they found out they were having a girl (and say you guys did too) and they chose Olivia Marie as their name. They had all these monogrammed baby gifts, etc, given to them for Olivia Marie and then...you guys choose it. Yes, I think that may induce hard feelings. Right or Wrong, Dibs or whatever, it would be super awkward.
DHs and I's families both have multiple cousins with the same first names. I actually have 6 cousins with the same names (I have a really large extended family). So obviously my family doesn't stand on name formality.
Whoever says it out loud gets dibs first!!! :) I hope this never comes to "reality" however I'm curious to hear from someone who ever had this happen to them (even with just a friend...not necessarily family).
I don't have kids but we do have baby names in mind (1 for girl, 1 for boy, not a long list or anything) and I'd be super duper bummed if my SIL/BIL had a kid and named it with one of our names...even though, no I'm not pregnant and don't intend to be for a while. Maybe more than bummed...super pissed!
Interesting points all!
@AmeliaBedelia: I definitely had not thought about all of the monogrammed and personalised gifts the other baby would get, which of course would make things super awkward. I don't think I would take the name if they decided on it, but I would be a bit upset.
@Juliepants: That is definitely what I'm going to do! I just sent my brother an email now asking if they've talked about names. I also think my mom would say something to him like "hey, that's the name your sister is planning on using" so I don't think it will become an issue.
@tksjewelry: oh my, 6 cousins with the same name?! That's a lot! We already have enough confusion in my immediate family as my brother's wife has the same first name as my sister. SIL took my brother's last name and my sister didn't change her name after marriage so we have two people in the family with the exact same first, middle, and last name. CONFUSING. As a side note, my sister sent me the u/s picture from my SIL's scan today and when I saw the name on the scan, I immediately thought it was my sister's and started freaking out because she's been so adamant about not wanting children. Silly me.
@sexxysheddy: Brady and Brody? Yeah, I can see how that would cause all kinds of confusion!
@penguin: Yup, now I'm thinking maybe I should send my brother an email saying "These are the names we like, so stay away!" I think I would be really upset if we lost our first preference name for our boy or girl, but we have a pretty good relationship so I'm going to assume all will be fine. I too would like to hear from someone who has experienced this actual sitaution though....
I really think that it's absolutely fine for more than one sibling to chose a favorite name! In my family, my cousins had this situation with a couple extra facts. My older cousin wanted to name her firstborn son... after both her father and her father in law... which just so happened to be her father's first and last name and her brother's first and last name... Additional more specific details would let you know that this name order was also important for other complicated reasons within her side of family... But it was definitely intended to honor both sides of their family. Her brother pulled the card that since it was his name that he thought that he should have the right to first dibs, and since his wife was due within a few months of her due date, she honored his request. But She had the boy, and he had a girl. Her father-in-law died unexpectedly within a month of his grandson's birth, and so it was an honor that she was not allowed to give. That wasn't the end of the story though because her brother did eventually have a son, but didn't use the favored name, and so this generation has lost a really nice name basically because of a hypothetical question! I remember thinking it was fun to have a friend share my name and i think it would have been fun to have two cute kids with a great shared name!
@Ree723: I have roughly 80+ cousins in my generation, so that makes the 6 really no that bad, LOL. In my dads generation, all the brothers are called bubba and we just call all their first born boys ditto's. Weird, but everyone is easily remembered that way.
@Ree723: I really should have said CONGRATULATIONS on your pregnancy, by the way! And good luck with the names. I'll bet whatever you won't have any issues with the other couple. A lot of the names I love, other people probably think aren't really that great and TBH, almost every name I've heard here on the Bee baby name polls are really not for me! Chances are there is nothing to worry about!
Not the exact same name but my brother is Ryan and our cousin is Brian and we were all very close growing up so you can only imagine how many times they were called by the wrong name. Sometimes my grandma even called me Brian or Ryan and I'm a girl lol. Furthermore, my mom's BFF named her son Brian as well.
I think if you and your brother have a good relationship, you should all just discuss potential names ahead of time to avoid any issues. If the kids will grow up together, I think it amy be annoying fo the whole family. On the other hand, if you don't live in the same place, it's prob. not a big deal to use the same name.
I really really don’t understand why people make such a big deal over people “stealing” the same name. No matter what someone names their kid, at some point in their life they are likely to know someone with the same name. So what does it matter if it’s their cousin, school friend or colleague.
I know I’m in the minority – but I say that if you like a name, go for it regardless.
In my family (both brother and sisters kids) they have found out the sex of the baby and had names for them before they were born. (control issues much :P) anyways we have talked about the baby and call it by its name before its born. So i think names dont necessarily have to be given oncce they are born, it can be before. But in saying that if you are set for a name i think you should talk about it with your bro. Also what if when you are talking to him you guys both like the same name???
im sure everything will be fine though!
I think whoever names there child first has dibs, whether thats at the 20 week scan, or the birth. But I also think its ok for cousins to have the same name. The can always have different nicknames or go by initials if it is going to cause a lot of confusion.
I agree that you have dibs as soon as you say the names out loud to the other people. I would never name my baby a name that my sister had "called" or even a close friend. It's messed up and I wouldn't want someone to do it to me.
I agree that it's when you name the baby, not necessarily when it's born. That being said, you can't name a not-yet-conceived baby, and you can't name a baby whose sex is unknown unless you plan to give them the same name regardless. That's just cheating. :P
@Ree723: I would throw the name out there now. You don't want them to find out the gender, tell you the name and then be accused of "stealing" it if/when the time comes.
I voted for the last option. It wouldn't really matter to me, especially since I'm assuming you and your brother have different last names since you are married. If that makes you uncomfortable, i would make sure to discuss it with them and see what they say. I think it will be much easier once they have the scan and know if its a boy or girl.
Good luck!
My sister kept my niece's name a secret all the while she was pregnant. My uncle had a daughter and named her after my deceased grandmother, uncle’s mother. After discovering this, my sister tells mom and me she wanted to name her daughter after our grandmother. Personally, I thought my sister should have stilled named my niece after our grandmother, the name is special to all of us.
I believe it is ok for relatives to share a common name. If it is important to the parents for a child to have a particular name, what gives someone else the right to say no? I will name my child whatever I please and I wish someone would say something.
Although logic says the first baby born gets the name they want, think of how you would feel if you spoke up about the name you'd chosen and THEY were having their baby first and just named it that? I get that you can't call dibs in a broad setting like with all friends/extended family but I think in immediate family it would be a jerk move so if you know the name you like/most likely want I would say something before they (possibly) get their hearts set on it too.
When I got pregnant I was talking names with my mom. If it were a girl I had mentioned wanting to name her after my Great Grandmother. My mom's reaction was that I absolutely could NOT do that, my sister had already said if she had a girl she was going to name her that. My sister wasn't pregnant at the time but apparently she was SOOO certain she would have a girl.
I ended up having a girl and naming her something completely different as to not offend my mother and sister. It's been almost 6 years since then and guess what? My sister has 3 boys.
I think that you are in a unique situation because you are both pregnant, and you are due first. So it's not like you could tell them the name you want, and then they could name their baby that first. (If she were due first, I'd be a little hesitant to tell them the names, because they could use one of yours.)
If I were in your situation, I would bring up the names that I like. Because if SHE brings them up and one of them happens to be the name you like, it will seem like YOU are stealing HER name. (I hate the term "name stealing" but you know what I mean!) There's no reason why you can't say "Hey, we've been thinking of names, and we have it narrowed down to these two for a boy and these two for a girl... have you thought of any names?" That way, you throw out the ones you want, and you don't have to officially claim them, but she will get the idea that you like those names, and hopefully pick something else.
The chances that she likes the names you like are pretty slim, since there are so many names out there!
I would talk with them- see what names they are thinking of and discuss "ownership" of names.
While technically I would say that whoever has the baby first gets "dibs", I could never do it in real life.
If I knew my sibling had chosen a specific name even though they were having their baby a couple of months after me, I could never use that name. Why create unnecessary family drama?
If you guys have narrowed down to 2 names for each gender, I would talk to your sibling about them. Because same as above, if I knew that a sibling who was pregnant at the same time had a couple of top names, I would avoid them myself.
My brother and I both want to use my dad's name. I am much more likely to have a baby before him but i wont necessarily 'steal' the name. It wouldnt bother me if we both used it becuase i might end up using it as a middle name. but on another note I have a cousin named michael and brother named michael. I have an uncle named joey and a brother named joey. If you like the name, use it :)
I'll admit I didn't take time to read everyone's responses, but my take is that unless there's a special meaning to a name (i.e. it's my sister-in-law's dead mother's name and they want to use it as a tribute), whoever has the first baby gets to use the name first. And then it's up to the second person to decide if they still want to use the name even though "someone else has it".
Of course, I grew up as one of a bajillion Sara(h)s so I don't really believe that anyone has dibs on a name or it's bad for numerous people to have the same name. Because even if there isn't another Betsy in the family now, maybe someone will marry a Betsy in the future and you'll have two Betsy's in the family anyway.
This is currently happening in my family. My husband's brother is having a baby a couple weeks before his other brother. The other brother (whose wife is due after the first) are not finding out the gender. Brother and SIL #1 are. Brother and SIL #2 have decided to use husband's grandfather's name if it is a boy. He told Brother and SIL #1. They just found out they are having a boy. Though Brother #2 may end up having a girl, Brother #1 is not going to use the name since he knows that even if Brother #2 has a girl, he will save the name for when he has a boy.
Well that was mighty confusing. Hopefully you can follow along! Anyways all that to say that Brother #2 said they want to use that name at some point for one of their children. Brother #1, while having a baby first and knowing for sure it is a boy, is fine and he and his wife are choosing another name. I'm not sure if it matters but Brother #1 and wife don't care about naming after family members (first child isn't) while Brother #2 does. Just something to think about.
Congratulations and good luck! I'd let your brother know your names just in case :)
I think this is one of the risks of keeping the baby's name a secret... someone else may unknowingly take it.
I think every situation is different. If you have 8 names you like, you can't dibs them all. It's just like boys in middle school, you can only claim one. If you've had a favorite baby name for years your friends and family should probably stay away from it unless it has some significant meaning to them.
But if you don't tell anyone the name, you can't expect them not to use it. And if they announce the name and it turns out to be what you chose, you really can't expect them to go back and change it. I also don't think you have to change your baby name after finding out... but at some point you're going to have to let the cat out of the bag so you may as well just tell them your name choices in the beginning to save the trouble. (I use "you" in general, not referring to the OP)
That's tough. While I don't believe in "calling" a name, if one family (who is currently expecting, this does not count for a potential baby down the road) has already picked a name, taken to refering to the unborn baby by that name, and perhaps even had items personalized with that name, or decorated the nursery with that name in mind, and then finds out 5 weeks before the birth of their baby that one of their siblings has been silently planning on using that name and went ahead and took it, yeah, I think that's a pretty jerky move.
In the case where couple A was due first, and picked a name (and did not share it with anyone) and then found out that couple B just happened to pick the same name and publicized it, I think couple A has two choices. They can either 1. forgo the name, or 2. Tell couple B-right away- that they are planning on using that name so couple B has another 4-5 months to come up with another name.
*I only think this way in the matter of siblings having babies though. My best friend could name her child the same name as my daughter and I wouldn't care. Distant relatives are the same. This only pertains to first cousins, as I think it's unfair to have the same name with such close relations.
I would tell them your names. If they tell you theirs first, then I think the names are theirs.
My husband always wanted to name a daughter, if he had one, after his Grandmother, Lillian. We had talked about this, before we were even married. When DH and I were dating, my sister had her first child. She named her daughter Lily. So for obvious reasons, DH could no longer name his daughter Lillian in the future. He mad jokes about breaking up with me at the time. So now we are going to use it as a middle name instead, but still not the same.
Ah this will be my issue! My sister and I like the same name for a female. I think it's because we both did gymnastics at a gym where the owner's daughter name was a longer version of it - or at least that's where I got my inspiration for it, when I was about 10 years old. She was *pissed* that her sister-in-law choose that name for her kid. She felt it was one that she and her husband had talked about while they were dating and therefore it was "hers." I tried to calm her down about this to no avail. I know she'll be even more pissed if I choose it for my kid. At the moment, I am just waiting and should I get pregnant later with a girl, I'll talk to her then. She's had a lot of difficulty getting pregnant a second time, but even so I don't think she's given up on having a girl with that name.
So it doesn't even take two simultaneous pregnancies to get someone upset. In this case, I'd say whomever officially decides on the name first gets it, whether that's at the gender scan or at the birth. I'd be frustrated to have two weeks to think of a new name for a kid, so if you are pregnant at the same time, best to discuss this in advance and resolve the issue (if it is one) then.
I just thought I'd share how our daughter and our niece inadvertantly got exteremly similar names- not on purpose. BIL & SIL named their daughter Gabriella and we named our daughter Tabitha. Different right? Not so much: Gabby and Tabby. Yep. Its kind of funny now, it never occurred to any one on the family beforehand though.
I'd say that once you have a bun in the oven you can call dibs. Both my fiance and his brother want pass their dad's name to a son, but his brother and his brother's wife have not had a son yet and it's a little up in the air if they're going to try again. If we become pregnant with a boy, and they still don't have one before the kid's born, we'll be using it.
If we were pregnant at the same time, we'd definitely conceed to them as they mentioned wanting the name first. There'd be no push to pop the baby out first to get dibs.
I'd say if it is really important to you to have these names, you should mention them now.
My FSIL and I found out we both want to use the same name for our daughters if we ever have them. I said the name and then she said that's her dream name too! I love it (Lillian) because it's after my grandmother. She said it came to her in a dream. I feel kind of silly for being upset about something that is totally hypothetical (neither of us is pregnant or planning to be soon ... and who knows if we'll both even have daughters?) but it still upsets me. It doesn't help that my FSIL and I have not had the warmest of relationships, either.
I don't know what we'd do if we really did get in that situation. I know I won't stop loving the same because of its sentimental value, but I'm hoping the power of her dream fades. If not, I guess whoever gets pregnant with a girl first will get the name. Maybe the other can use it as a middle name?
I think if they declare the name they intend to use at the ultrasound, they sort of are calling dibs. You can always trump them but going ahead and giving your child that name if you give birth first, but that's not a very good way to keep positive relations in the family. If they plan on using that name for the entire second half of their pregnancy, and then you steal it at the last minute with no warning, I would be pretty upset if I was them. What if they already painted the name on their nursery wall and bought products with the name on it?
I think if they declare a choosen name that you are hoping for, you guys should discuss it. Otherwise it might be considered kinda of passive aggressive to keep your mouth shut and just take the name.
If they neither of you discusses names, it's fair game. Maybe you could bring it up first and say you want to make sure you're not planning on the same names - there are four names you guys really like - and state them. It at least allows you to declare first which names you are trying to claim, and allows you to find out if there is even an issue? Because it would also suck for them if you claimed a name and then couldn't event use it because you gave birth to teh other gender.
Luckily, I won't have this issue on my side, since my brother is older, has his 2 kids, and doesn't plan on having any more.
On the other hand, my fiance is the oldest of 5, and his younger sister got married in January. I don't think she has plans to start a family for a while, but it could end up that we are pregnant at the same time. He wants to name one of our sons after his grandfather/uncle/brother, which I love, and don't think anyone would mind if his brother eventually did decide to have kids and wanted to name his son after himself too.
I think it all depends on how the family and people involved see it. My aunt had her heart set on naming her daughter Alyssa. About a month before she had my cousin, my other aunt (her sister) had a daughter and named her Allison. The first aunt was really upset and when her daughter was born, she named her Meghann Alyssa, because she thought Alison and Alyssa were too similar.
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