Post # 1
So let me preface with: I HATE that I am writing one of the “vent” posts…. but you know what? my poor friends are sick of listning to me and I don’t blame them so cyber space it is.
I am in a LDR trying to plan a wedding and am quite “type A”. translation when stuff needs to get done I don;t wait for nine people to approve I bounce ideas off of the people who are accessable to me (which is generally NOT my FI since he works 12 hour shifts in the middle of the night) and then move forward.
I don’t mean to leave him out but, stuff needs to get done and I am the one doing the work so sometimes yeah I am a jerk and just choose for him.
needless to say he isn’t pleased with the situation. He wants me to “respect his wishes” and to “clear stuff with him”…. which I guess is reasonable… but like I said he isn’t here, and he sleeps all day and works all night… when does he think that is all going to happen? his solution ” well come up wtih three ideas and then I will choose one.” HELL NO! are you kidding me? I am doing a DIY wedding and I work full time and you think the solution is me doing three times the work and then you get to have ultimate veto power? I think not.
which brings me to the part about why I am writing. we aren’t talking. I tried to talk to him about it this morning and I started all diplomatic and using words like “WE” and “both working to make it better”.. that is not how it ended. it ended alot more like “You have un realistic expectations of what planning a wedding is like and I am not going to put up with it anymore. I am not fighting anymore and you need to figure out how to get over stuff we can’t change because no one has invented time travel. it happened I apologized about not talking it over with you… I can’t go backwards to fix it” ……. his answer? “fine I will fix it but I can’t talk to you until I figure it out have a nice WEEK”….
so now we aren’t talking for apparently a week. my LDR is turing into the wedding with no groom and his birthday is this week and I am not going to lie I don’t want to make a big “yeah it is your day!” deal when he can’t be bothered to talk to me. I know this is the wrong attitude to have, but I guess I am not a good FI.
sorry for sucking so much. sorry for being so aweful. sorry for being the worst FI ever. sorry for living.
Post # 3
Ok! Lots of deep breaths!
I know you’re upset with him, and it’s good to come here to let everything out in a vent so that you don’t say something to him you don’t mean. And it’s great to get other perspectives on here! Yay!
I’m going to start by playing Devil’s Advocate. Would you like it if your entire wedding was planned by someone else and you didn’t even get a say b/c you worked too much and didn’t have time to talk with someone about it? B/c that’s definitely what he’s going through. I know you need to just make decisions, but it wouldn’t hurt to run things by him to make sure he’s cool with it before you made ultimate and final decisions. Like the big stuff…DJ vs. Band, what you’re having to eat, photographer…things he might actually care about! Things like flowers or what color the bridesmaid dresses are might not matter that much to him.
I know it’s hard to release some of that control (I’m very type A too), but it is his wedding too, and it’s not fair to dictate to him what his wedding is going to be like. It’s definitely difficult to do this in a LDR, but you have to try to compromise and allow him to make some decisions too…
Post # 4
I’m sorry you’re fighting– I’ve had this disagreement with my FH as well, but it wasn’t as difficult because we’re not LDR.
The only thing I can recommend is to ask him what he wants to be included on (big decisions like venue, does he care the flavor of the cake, the DJ, the menu/ bar options, etc) and go from there. Obviously he can’t be included on every little thing (like the guest book, place cards, etc), so just find out what is important to him, and make a compromise.
For example, does he care about flowers? Maybe just the colors. So you could discuss what colors/ price range he’s comfortable with and then make the final decision yourself. That way he can feel like he’s included but you’re not doing three times the work.
But what I had to do with my FH was tell him, “Ok, you want this wedding, you want to be involved, so when I ask you to talk to me about it for ten minutes, that needs to be a priority. Working out or taking a nap or hanging out with your friends can wait the ten to fifteen minutes it will take us to make a decision. Otherwise the decisions will be made without you and you can’t get mad at me.” From there, it was a lot easier to get him to cooperate, and I think he realized how he was making it so much more difficult. You have to think of EVERY LITTLE THING, and guys don’t really see that.
Again, I’m sorry you’re fighting, and I hope this blows over soon.
Post # 5
How exactly is presnting 3 ideas 3 times the work?
Show him 3 pictures he picks one. Tell him 3 choices he picks one. I don’t understand how that is difficult. I also don’t understand why waiting overnight is an issue. You surely communicate at least once a day right?
Post # 6
I would ask him what are the most important parts of the wedding to him and what things in a wedding really stand out to him.
For example, my FI was type-A, 100% involved in picking out the band but the flowers? He literally could not care less.
I’m guessing your FI has a few preconceived ideas of what is in a “wedding” and if you’re making all the decisions, he might feel like his opinion isn’t important or that the wedding isn’t about him at all.
Post # 7
@vmec: that particular fight began with the save the dates that I was hand designing, so he wanted me to design three versions and then he wanted to be able to choose one. so yes for that project it would have ben three times the work… and when I had the one I liked done, I tried to show him (3 times over 4 hours), but he was unavailable, and my printer is volunteering his time, so I couldn’t really wait overnight.
Post # 8
@vmec: How exactly is presnting 3 ideas 3 times the work?
Fully researching three vendors, three photographers, three DJs, three anything really is a lot of extra work. Maybe not three different favor options, though, but you know what I mean.
Post # 9
Another idea… I’m not sure if he actually wants to see 3 seperate ideas… he probably just doesn’t want you to come and say “This is it and that’s it”. If you’re DIY a project, it’s the perfect opportunity to say something like, “I’ve got an idea to make X this way…but I’m not sure if I should do y or z, what do you think?”
EDIT- just saw your update…yeah he needs to get a little more realistic on seeing 3 seperate, different options.
Just keep the conversation about what you’re doing open.
1 more thought…if you’re in a LDR and his schedule is a bit difficult..would it be possible to have conversations that have ZERO wedding talk invovled? He might be a little over-dosed on wedding talk for the moment.
Post # 10
First off, I’m sorry you’re feeling crappy and fighting with your future husband while trying to plan your wedding! Planning a wedding is really stressful and sometimes it seems like it’s impossible when you need to incorporate a lot of opinions. I think it’s good that your FI wants to be involved in the wedding plans, even though he works weird hours. But this shouldn’t mean that you have to create 3 detailed versions of everything before he makes the ultimate decision.
I would do what previous posters have done and ask him what aspects of the wedding are the most important to him, tell him he should research these and give you his top choices, and you can do the same with the other details–but hopefully he doesn’t care about every tiny little detail. My FI has been quite involved in wedding planning–he booked our honeymoon after we both researched it, he found a DJ and florist that looked great, etc. However, he told me he doesn’t care about certain things, like what particular flowers we have, what the unity candle looks like, what our cake looks like, or the favors. So I chose these on my own and it went much easier.
Post # 11
@JenniMichele: Yes, you should be doing that anyways though. Right? I mean when you’re scouting you have your top 3 once you have your top 3 your presnt the options. I’m not sure why THAT is extra work it should be work regardless.
The hand designing, okay yea extra work. Maybe if it’s something like that show him your insirpation that you’re basign the design out of?
Post # 12
I’m sorry if I’m being flip, but … maybe you should suggest that HE come up with 3 *equally acceptable options* for one of your big decisions, and then YOU will pick. If he’s like most guys, I’m pretty sure that would help him see the light. Heehee.
Post # 13
Seriously, for the DIY stuff, I would do two things:
1) Ask him to send you two or three inspirational photos of ideas/designs he likes.
2) Give him deadlines at each step (providing the inspirational photos, and giving feedback/approving what you come up with), and make it clear that if he misses them, you will have to move forward.
Post # 14
How about this idea? Not sure if it’ll work or not:
What about sending him an email with the ideas, seperated into sections. Put on it “must have back by x-date or I have to choose due to time constraints”. Logical reason to need it back the next day or two.
That way, he gets to have his choices, you get a deadline. You can even call and leave a voicemail saying “hey, I sent you x and I HAVE to have it back in two days or I have to pick for you due to the vendor”. Or whatever.
It isn’t unreasonable to give him a timeline, since you also have one to work on.
Send photos of colors, ideas, whatever. Seperate email for each thing.
IF he gets tired of all the emails, he’ll tell you and, maybe, let you do it on your own. Otherwise, you both win. He gets to have an input and you don’t have to stress over it. Much.
good luck! hope this works out for yout!
Post # 15
My FH isn’t always around when I can make decisions either. I do most of my research at work (shhhh) and design invites, STDs, etc at work. But I bring home 3 rough ideas, vendors or whatever and he gives me his input on the things he cares about. Flowers, he could care less. Photographer he wanted to browse portfolios.
Post # 16
I think you need to have a serious talk with him. Ask him if he realizes what goes into a wedding, and then once you inform him (cuz men have no idea what goes into a wedding!) and then ask him what is most important for him to get a decision on. Then, if he has the time, have him do the research, OR, do only those with 3 different options (ideally pics and info). when I was planning our wedding, I did this with my hubs, and his response was “you know what I like, and you like the same things I do, so I’m ok with whatever you want, but I want to help with music.” fine, great. me and my girls did the work, I showed him as I made decisions, and life was good for us