Post # 1
I’m mostly venting, but I need a little advice here bees. I have this one friend who’s just generally being an ass. It’s really getting on my nerves and honestly it’s starting to kind of hurt my feelings. I probably would have told him exactly what I think of him a long time ago, but he’s in the military and I’m the only friend he still has from “back home.” He’s told me a couple of times I’m one of his best friends.
For starters, he’s sexist. He actually told me once that women in the military should only be allowed administration jobs because even if they can do the physical labor, they are too emotional to be any good in a high-pressure situation (he tries to justify this by saying there are things he doesn’t think men should be allowed to do, but can’t tell me what those things are). He says stuff just to piss me off (like one time we were talking about abortion, and he said he thought babies should be able to be aborted up to a year after birth. WHAT?!), with the guise that he’s trying to debate with me and get me to think, but really he’s just being an obnoxious a-hole.
Mostly, though, him attacking my personal life is really starting to get to me. He judges my SO for not going into the military (which SO was going to do but decided not to), and for staying at home to work while I go to school. He also told me it’s my fault why my SO isn’t going anywhere in life. He judges me for focusing on school and not having a job. Basically, he thinks we should have our own place and all our shit together, and we’re not even old enough to drink yet! I’m so glad he’s in the military and he’s making his own living and working hard, but not everyone can be at the same place in life at the same time. I have friends at all ends of the spectrum- people who are younger than me who are married and expecting kids, people older than me still living with their parents and barely holding a job. Different paces work for different people. Not saying anyone should bum off their parents until they’re thirty, but come on, we’re twenty. Geez. Not only that, but it’s none of his effing business. He can comment when he decides to pay for my SO to go to school. Plus all the time he makes these underhanded comments, trying to act like he’s giving me a wise bit of advice since he’s slightly older, telling me that I’m going to get out of college and realize other people are better and there is nothing special about me, and I need to do this or I need to do that.
Basically, I wonder if I should tell him what I think, and tell him he needs to back the hell off of my relationship and my life choices, or if I should just ignore him and let the friendship die. I feel bad dropping him as a friend, but I thought true friends were supposed to encourage you to reach your goals, and give you constructive criticism, instead of putting you down while pretending to give helpful advice. Half the time when I get done talking to him, I feel worse about myself than I did before.
Post # 2
ForeverBirds: Disgusting! Your friend is a POMPOUS Ass!! Drop his ass
Post # 3
He doesn’t sound like a very good friend, in fact this statement is pretty telling:
he’s in the military and I’m the only friend he still has from “back home.”
Post # 4
I respect people in the military, but that doesn’t mean if they are certified A*****e that I need to be their friend. I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life. If his friendship was 100% important to me on a personal level, I may tell him when a topic comes up that I don’t want to dicuss that “we are going to disagree on this, so it is closed for discussion.” If he presses it, I would just hang up, stop talking, walk away (depending on how you communicate)
Post # 5
Doesn’t sound like a friend I’d like to have. And it’s no wonder you’re his only friend either… I say dump his ass. AND you can tell him why too if you want.
Post # 6
Nuts to that. Life is too short. I think I would tell this person why I didn’t want to hang out anymore, but not feel all that bad about it frankly.
Post # 7
housebee: MsJ2theZ: I’m his only friend from home mostly because all of our friends left for college, though, not because he’s being an ass (which he is, but still).
Misswhowedding: I’m trying to figure out just how important it is to me to keep him as a friend. I mean, I’ve seen him once in the past three years, but we talk all the time.
Honestly, I have to wonder if he isn’t a little jealous of my SO and I (that sounds so conceited). His fiance left him when he went in the military, and she just had a baby recently- not his. I wonder if he doesn’t regret going into the navy and losing her, because he’s said on multiple occasions that he wants a serious relationship and he wants the kind of relationship my SO and I have. Plus his girlfriend (only one he’s had since ex-fiance) broke up with him less than a month ago. He’s had casual flings, but no girl he gets with wants to have anything long term because he’s in the military (or both of them are).
Post # 8
Unacceptable. I would start to distance him and ignore him. He seems a bit off to me. I wouldn’t tell him off out of fear, really. I would slowly let the friendship dissolve. He doesnt seem to add anything positive to your life. Life it too short.
Post # 10
ForeverBirds: This may sound condescending so please give me the benefit of the doubt if it does. If he is very close to your age then he is really young and it is easy at that age to think that for the most part, you have the world figured out and know how things are meant to run. Things are also much more black and white to some people at that age (some never grow out of it, I admit). I know someone who is around that age and doesn’t have those beliefs but strong ones nonetheless and how he expresses them can be annoying as hell. When he speaks we all kinda look at each other and roll our eyes and privately just tell each other he is being immature and we hope he grows out of it, quickly.
Point is that it reminded me that maybe when I was that age I also thought things were more clear cut than they really are and there is a ton of gray in this world.. now I think everything is a shade of gray and very few things are really that clear cut. He seems to have strong beliefs on how things “should be” and it could be very likely that given a few years he will simmer down and become a worthwhile friend who can see the value in your life choices as well as his own, however different they may be at that point.
At the moment though, telling you to do things like drop out of school and putting you down is not something you should tolerate. Maybe one day he will be worth your time and emotional energy, but you don’t deserve to be belittled while he sorts out his own BS. You are right where you need to be for you and your goals. 🙂
Post # 10
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
Ugh. One thing you learn over the years is that just because you ARE friends with someone, you don’t have to STAY friends with them.
This guy is a perfect example of someone who is no longer contributing anything positive to your life. If you don’t want to abruptly drop him, I would at least start tactfully responding less and less until you two don’t communicate any more. He sounds totally worthless as a friend.
Post # 11
ForeverBirds: Get rid get rid get rid. He sounds absolutely insufferable. I would just ignore him and let the friendship die. You don’t owe him any explanations and if you do try and explain, it sounds like he’ll just argue with you and be a dick.
Post # 12
I’ve seen this before, in these infantry/ special forces types. Let me guess… no overseas postings yet? He’ll soon change his tune after a spell in Afghanistan.
When they’re in the UK, they’re all “f***ing women” and “f***ing REMFs”. Then they get posted and they get sick, or they get shot, or their vehicle breaks down in the middle of a firefight. Who arrives to save them? The profesional corps, the RAMC and the REME, both of which contain a large number of women. They’re pretty happy to see “women and REMFs” then, I can tell you.
Post # 13
ForeverBirds: Just let the friendship die, it isn’t worth the drama of confronting him. Sometimes people change and it just means they aren’t compatible with us as friends anymore.
Post # 14
yellow7404: I have never felt afraid of him and he has never acted like he would cause me or anyone else harm, nor were the “you’re one of my best friends” comments in any way… Creepy? I guess. He’s not dangerous or unstable, we just don’t agree on a lot.
serendipity24: It’s not condescending at all! He’s only a couple of years older than I am and hopefully he will grow out of it one day but I just don’t know that I have the energy to put up with some of his comments until that time. Honestly, he’s not necessarily a bad guy and he CAN be funny and entertaining to talk to, and these conversations make up less than 5% of our total conversations, but they really bother me. Maybe I’m oversensitive but I don’t want to have to deal with feeling like I’m less than, either because I happen to be female or because I made vastly different life choices.
cece_intheuk: True; he’d probably tell me I’m being overly sensitive and reading too much into it (and then say I proved his point about women being too emotional).
Rachel631: No overseas postings and I don’t think he will get any because of the branch he’s in (even if he did get sent overseas he probably would never see actual combat), plus he’s halfway through his contract already.
Post # 15
ForeverBirds: Ugh… with no overseas postings in sight, the “prognosis” is dire, I’m afraid… usually they are only “cured” through trauma of some sort…