Post # 1
- Wedding: November 2014 - Historic cinema
Any other Bees the person in the r/ship who does all of the romantic things? Planning holidays, dates, leaving love notes, buying little gifts, saying I love you first every time?
I’m so down today. Mainly because we celebrated our 2nd anniversary thi sweekend and I planned a beaautiful holiday for us at some amazing settings and I didn’t get a proposal which I was expecting. It feels like SO is just along for the ride. I make all the effort and he makes none.
We have talked about it before and he says he feels bad that he disappoints me, but then does nothing!
Am reluctant to do anything now. We can just sit at home every night from now on, because I’m tired of doing everything.
Post # 3
It sounds like he doesn’t mean to hurt your feelings but just isnt very romantic or proactive. That does stink! What does he do to show or say he loves you? I’m sure there is something. Makes you soup when you’re sick? Does a chore you hate? Having different love languages is frustrating for both parties.
Post # 4
Oh honey, I know how you feel…it’s hard to be the one that gets it, isn’t it?
But I figured out a few years ago that men aren’t born knowing how to be romantic. It’s a learned behavior and unless his Dad was Cyrano, it’s unlikely there was a lot of romance in the air when he was growing up.
I was always the one that planned all of our stuff, and it kind of bugged me, but Mr. 99 always enjoyed it, got into the romantic spirit while we were there and recalled it fondly, so I never let it bother me….and as we’ve been together and done things, I see that he’s picked up on a lot of the romantic things I do, and made them work for him.
Talking about things in an open and caring way is a great start, avoid saying things like, “You never…I always have to…..” I would stick with, “I would love it if….how do you feel about trying….what if we went here, why don’t you set that up?”
It gets better, just give them a chance, after all, we all have our strong points!
Post # 5
- Wedding: November 2014 - Historic cinema
Have shown him the love languages and his is through quality time and touch. Which is what he does, but I take those two things for granted, as what people in love do anyway! Mine were gifts and affirmations. Neither of which he is good at.
The part that upsets me is the number of times we have discussed it, but nothing changes!
I thought that if I set up appropriately romantic settings then he would hppilly piggy back my plans and propose.
He’ll have a hard time finding equally perfect settings now, which of course in the long run won’t matter as long as it does happen, but gosh it would be nice to receive a romantic proposal.
Or flowers. I desperately want him to buy me flowers. Just once. I’m training to be a florist, so yeah, it would mean a lot to me!
Post # 6
My FI isn’t the romantic planner type either. He finds other little ways to express romance, though. Sometimes it’s as simple as covering me with a blanket. Honestly, give me those little moments over one big romantic outing anyday!
I agree with Nona99’s advice about talking things out, though. Great tips on starting that type of conversation.
Post # 7
Have you read Five Love Languages together?
My husband is the more romantic one in our relationship. He likes to snuggle, plan dates and trips, is very affectionate, reread old cards that I wrote him out loud and so on. When he asks me want we want to do for our anniversary, I will say something like “whatever”. That does not fly, ha ha, but it is not because I don’t care, it is just because I am just as happy going on a coffee date as I am planning a weekend getaway and am not really a “planner” in that way. I would not say I am unromantic – I certainly am affectionate, let him know I love him, surprise him with little gifts time to time, but I do think he is more romantic than I am.
I do think maybe though part of it is maybe you ARE doing everything. What would happen if you just said “I want us to go away for our anniversary, and you are the one who has to plan it”. Then don’t nag him about it. The ball is in his court. If he does not plan anything, well, he does not plan anything and you will have to go from there, but I do think on some level you need to stop trying to manage the relationship and give him the space to be involved.
Post # 8
@MissBettsy: So he isn’t good at gifts and affirmation but you admit you take touch and quality time, his love language, for granted? Sounds like you can both work on this!
And don’t try to plan the proposal. It will be magical when it happens because he planned it.
Post # 9
I totally feel you girl! I am 100% the planner in the relationship, he bugs me about it it’s so bad. BUT that also means that I love planning romantic things for him!!! And it would be nice to be surprised with one special date for a special event or something. Don’t get me wrong, he treats me so well, and I get treated to romantic little surprises like flowers for no reason, but that’s almost where it stops. I jokingly bug him about it and he gets all pouty saying that he buys me flowers sometimes etc so I smile and say I know and I love him for it. I secretly wish, though, that he would be a planner just once and surprise me with something big! Sorry for the rant.. I guess my point is that we know our men and we know that they are not purposely letting us down. Appriciate his little versions of romantic acts 🙂 (not that you don’t already!)
Post # 10
I know what you mean. I’m definitely the more romantic one overall, but luckily the dear SO has really taken notice and stepped up. He’s definitely more romantic now, but in a different way than me, and that’s okay.
Are you just looking for “romance” to be in a specific way? Is he showing you all sorts of ways he loves you, but you’re missing it? Begin to look for the ways he already shows his affection, and appreciate it.
Of course, I get the whole wanting him to plan a romantic outing and buy you flowers (I’m still waiting for my SO to buy me flowers… he never has). I think it’s good to maybe give him a little start. Tell him, like Nona said, “Hey, this place sounds awesome! Why don’t you get it set up for us to go there and book any restaurant you want for dinner after?” That makes it a lot easier for him to take some of reigns since it might be something he is uncomfortable with.
Post # 11
@MissBettsy: I thought that if I set up appropriately romantic settings then he would hppilly piggy back my plans and propose.
He will propose when (and if) he is ready to propose. Trying to manage the proposal or the setting to “inspire” him will do nothing.
Have you two discussed marriage and your preferences for a proposal? Honestly, if I was him I’d feel a bit pressured to put on a performance, rather than to focus on the meaning of the proposal (even if it comes while sitting in bed in your PJ’s watching a movie on a Friday night).
I would also caution that romance comes in many forms. My husband thinks it is romantic when I empty the dishwasher (my bad luck to end up with someone whose love language is acts of service as I am pretty damn lazy about housework and the like!). Despite the whole love language thing, you can’t control how someone shows you love, you can only communicate your needs and if it remains unsatisfying for you, determine whether that is going to work for you or not and either move on or not.
If your SO’s is quality time, well, he is giving you quality time even if you are planning it so he may think that is enough as HE feels pretty content. Clearly it is not as you need gifts and affirmation. You can’t really MAKE that happen though, he has to be willing even if it is outside his own comfort zone.
You have even said you take HIS love language for granted, so I am not sure that it is fair to say he does not respond to yours either. Sure, maybe they come easy for you but that does not mean they are fulfilling the need or that your love languages should come easy for him. There is no room for scorekeeping here!
It sounds like some very honest communication is in order here, instead of making assumptions about him proposing and the like.
Post # 12
Is he a pefectionist? If he knows how important romantic gestures are to you, and still doesn’t do them, maybe he’s afraid what he does do won’t meet your expectations and will disappoint.
Post # 14
@RayKay: Romance certainly does come in many forms. I’m the one who finds FI totally romantic if he empties the dishwasher, haha. And like I said earlier, I just melt when I’m falling asleep on the couch and he covers me with a blanket. It’s easy to overlook these small acts, but oh so rewarding when you take the time to notice 🙂
Post # 15
@MissBettsy: Does he show you his love in other ways? Some little things can be romantic. Like for example, my guy will bring me back a piece of cake if he goes to a a catered meeting. He’ll pick up my favorite chocolate bar. He’ll do the dishes. He’ll give me the white meat when we roast a chicken. He will get out of bed first and let me sleep in for those extra few minutes, and then he brings me a cup of tea while I’m getting ready.
Little things like that really show love vs. large romantic gestures. I get that it’s important to have a mix of both, but if he does sweet little things like that for you then he’s probably a keeper 🙂
Post # 16
- Wedding: November 2014 - Historic cinema
We have discussed marriage. It is supposed to be coming soon and this trip, which I haad been planning for months could have been perfect. Being part of the shut it up pact, I only got more expectant when he keept bringing up weddings the entire weekend…which he never does!
When I said “for granted” I meant that touch and time are important to me too and we are always cuddling, holding hands, being together, but it just seems to me what couples in love naturally do!
We have talked about it several times. I showed him the love languages, we each di the test, I’ve cried about it. I’ve made suggestions of what I would find romantic – picking a rose from my garden on his way inside. He says he gets it, says he wants to be romantic, but then nothing.
He’s not a perfectionist.
I’ve said to him, let’s do something fun this weekend. You plan it. Then he comes over, hasn’t planned anything or suggests we do dinner and a movie…which we do about 3 times a week already.
If I leave the rubbish by the door he will put it out in the morning. He emptied the dishwasher once. And he does get up and bring me coffee in bed in the mornings.
But dammit, I’m a spoilt brat only child (not really!) and just want something small and superficial once in a while!