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I can't be the only bee going through this. First, let me state that I am NOT domestic AT ALL. I get no joy from cleaning my home or cooking. BUT, I am not a total slob so I do keep a clean home and I do have to eat so I cook as well.
But bees, I'm sick of it. I feel like FI's maid. It's not my job to keep the place clean. I work 10 hour days and would appreciate some help around the house. I have asked nicely, joked about it, asked directly, made sarcastic remarks, you name it. The only time he does something is if I ask and that is ALL he does. Whenever, I have a big enough fit he replies with, "I'll do X tomorrow." Well, tomorrow, never comes and I end up doing it anyway. Every so often he says, "Babe, I appreciate everything you do around here." I have had to bite my tongue because I want respond, "I don't want your appreciation, I want your help."
I have tried not cleaning for weeks to see if he gets compelled to do something. Didn't work. There is NO initiative on his part to do anything around here. Lately, I have become resentful and angry that he has the luxury of coming home plopping on the couch and dozing off. While I always have a to-do list. We currently have a one bedroom and no kids. I am getting sick to my stomach thinking about when we move to a larger home and kids become part of the picture. I DO NOT want the sole responsibility of taking care of the home now or ever.
Anyone dealt with this and was able to reform your lazy dude? Advice needed.
Make a chore list: specify the chore, who does it, and when it has to be done by. Then stick to it. Make the list together so that things are equal.
I swear the list has saved my sanity.
Ugh, this is how I've been feeling lately (http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/ive-decided-it-must-be-talked-about). Luckily FI said he's been feeling lazy lately and helped out yesterday. I didn't have a talk with him yet though.
Men sometimes just don't understand.
I'm in a similar situation, but feel as though I'm unable to complain. I am a student in a nursing program and I work part time. He works full time and pays the majority of the bills. When we first started dating, he had a very clean house, so it's not like he won't clean or doesn't, however over the time we have lived together, I have slowly found myself doing more and more of the housework while he does less and less.
Tonight I was irritated because I had to stop studying to clean then go back to studying while he sat there and played a game. I know he pays most of the bills and I don't work as many hours as he does, but does that make me responsible for all the housework?? I am sure between school and work I double the hours he spends at work. If I ask him he helps, but I don't want to be a nagging girlfriend who is always after him to clean up after himself.
I wish I had some advice for you to fix this situation, but I am in need of a way to get a fire lit under my SO's butt to get some housework done as well!
EDIT: I will be graduating in less than a month and working full time afterwards. In the fall I plan on going back to school to get my BSN while continuing to work full time, I cannot fathom how I will have time for all this and to continue to be solely responsible for keeping the house in order. I talked to him about the problem a month ago. It was better for maybe two days tops.
I had to double check I didn't post this while sleep-checking the bee. I hear you. I am you. I have ZERO solutions for you. It is our biggest relationship issue. We've talked about getting a cleaner in here, but that won't solve it all and we're trying to be careful with finances at the moment.
And it's only going to go downhill for me - bf's cat hasn't been with us during the kitchen renovation, but it gets worse in a few weeks when she comes back with the cat fur, nasty cat litter smell, and litter tracked all over the place. She's fine, it's the owner's bad habits that are the problem. It's bad enough my friends can't visit because they are highly allergic to her, but as a responsible pet owner, HE should clean up after her, not me. (Note: I'm extra sensitive to smells, but he will let it go for 4-5 days before cleaning, and only at my meltdowns. Friends who can visit report it's not just me, it's bad.)
@happyheartbee: what is up with that? My FI lived by himself before and kept a VERY clean house. Cleaner than me. Of the two of us, he is the neater one and can clean better than me. But now that we live together, somehow all of that flew out of the window.
@kate6214: does your guy actually stick to the chore list? I have a chore list but I'm the only one reading it apparently!
It use to be like that with my FI. We sat down and had a very long talk, laid everything on the table, and then corrected the things that needed to be corrected, that being one of them. Now we share it. We have 2 kids and a 3 bedroom house. We work opposite shift (which sucks!) so I clean up the messs the kids make during the day and the kitchen when it gets messed up and he does the same thing a night. Laundry bounces between us depending on the day and how much it is... It works out for us. We both like a clean house so we both work at it to keep it that way,
@NJmeetsBX: I don't know. Mine is the same way. In fact, there were times he told me I didn't clean good enough when we first lived together. Ha! Where did that guy go?
...Wait that came out wrong. I meant I would bust him cleaning behind me saying it wasn't as clean as he normally kept it. Not that he was just critiquing my cleaning skills.
Come on sisters! This is not the 40's or 50's . It is not your sole responsibility to clean and cook-especially if you are working outside the home and/or going to school.
This has nothing to do with who makes the most money., This is about equal division of labour and equal access to free time.
Sit down with the man, tell him how you feel, and ask him to step up. Let him identify the half of the chores that he will do and come to some agreement re how often those chores must be done.
If he acts like this before you are married, I can guarantee it's not going to get any better after you are married.
I'm pretty lucky in that respect. I do most of the cleaning, but DH is more than willing to help me when I ask. Unfortunately, I don't have any advice, because I haven't had to deal with it. The only complaint I would say I have is that the dining room table is a landing pad for everything that comes into the house, and that drives me nuts... I don't know what to do about that though...
Sit down with the man, tell him how you feel, and ask him to step up.
Alas, I have done that to no avail. He doesn't think the chores need to be done as frequently as I do (or at all). For example,
- he used to not fold and put away laundry. He used different baskets for clean & dirty, a couch and other surfaces.
- believe it or not, in the 5 years he had lived in the place prior to dating me, he had NEVER cleaned the tub.
- he can go for days w/o cleaning the cat litter. He probably would vacumn/sweep the cat litter up once every six months.
- he used to eat take out food all the time, to avoid cooking and clean up. And shopping.
So his argument is really that none of the chores I think need to be done, need to be done. And the few he conceeds might need to be done, he thinks should be done on a FAR less frequent basis than I do (and I'm not all that particular).
@NJmeetsBX: Try sticking the chore list to his computer/TV screen/current reading book. If you made the list together then he has to honor that arrangement.
@kay01: yuch- never cleaned the tub for 5 years?????? says a lot about his idea of cleanliness.
Honestly, I can't imagine living with, much less loving with someone with that attitude. My SO does whatever needs doing without asking. If he sees a load of laundry is in the hamper and needs doing- he does it. Same with dishes, vacuuming, dusting , grocery shopping etc.
We both work full time- we live in a condo, so no outdoor chores for him. There's no way he would sit on his ass and let me do all the work.
If he used to spend $ to eat takeout all the time, then I would tell him that he could now use those dollars to hire someone to do his half of the chores. It is not open to negotiation that those chores need to be done. Normal people do not live out of laundry baskets, or go without cleaning the tub for 5 years.
I have talked to him. If I tell him when I am cleaning that he needs to come help he will. But I get irritated that I should even have to ask. If he sees something needs cleaned I think he should just do it. Why should he need an invitation to clean?
I think I will try a chart and see how that goes over.
My FH is messy. Has been messy and will probably always be messy. He's gotten a tad better since we've been living together, but not much. This past Saturday I felt like I had to BEG him to put the clean dishes away. I was going 100 mph doing stuff for the wedding, cleaning, shopping for receptin stuff and food for dinner, cooking for our friends who were coming over later AND I had a dress fitting to go to before everyone came over. I was so tired (bad fit of insomnia) I didn't know if I wanted to cry or scream.
Lists may not work for everyone. For awhile I would try "What time do you think you'll be able to get _______done?" but that doesn't seem to work these days.
I feel the same way! It is so difficult when I make the majority of the money and do the majority of the house work. He does a lot (if not all) of the cooking which he thinks evens the odds. Uhm. No. I do the laundry, clean the toilets, etc, etc, etc. When he says I will do X tomorrow, and three days later its not done and I mention it... I'm a nag.
This morning before I left to work, FI said he would do the dishes and the laundry. An hour into my day, I get a call at work...asking if there is anything he can do to help me out. YES! The things you told me you would do!!! Last week he said he would go to the post office to get stamps to mail our wedding invites...still waiting on that one.
I called him back right after we hung up and told him that he can help me by not asking what he can do but just doing it!! Luckily he got it and told me he would take a more proactive approach to our housework. Tonight I came home from work to our dishes done :) Still havent checked the laundry but one out of two isn't bad :):)
@NJmeetsBX: I think it helped that we made the list together so neither of us felt forced into it and so for the most part the chores get done. Some things needed adjustment after we started and sometimes we switch up the jobs...I do one of his, he'll do one of mine, but for the most part it works. One thing I think that helps is that I don't mention his chores unless he has passed a deadline. That way he doesn't feel like I'm nagging. He is a big boy and can read the list. It is his responsibility to get them done.
@julies1949: Yeah. Even when I was in the infatuation time period where everything is rosy, it was pretty disturbing. I wasn't sure how he'd take me cleaning it when we hadn't been dating long, so after my first shower in it, I "snuck" in a cleaning. The worst part? He DID NOT NOTICE or comment on it until I mentioned something.
He also doesn't think eating out was more expensive. A burrito or sub sandwich for $5-8 he saw as cheaper than buying food. He thinks a lot of food goes to waste. With the new kitchen in, I've been trying to tell him how expensive things are so he starts to understand he can eat better for less - everything from steak to burgers, shrimp scampi to a quick hot pastrami sandwich. The only one I've really sold him on (and thoroughly addicted him) is a recipe that restaurants don't have out. But of course...cooking for him sets the cycle of chores/sharing issue going again...
He really has many great virtues - very smart, loving, caring...except he is lazy/procrastinates on chores. His mom insists she did not teach him to be like this (single mom raising 3 kids) and even tries to help some to make up for "his share" because she feels bad.
@happyheartbee: Ditto. And he is resentful he has to stop what he's doing to help me then ("Does it have to be done now?" Well, no, but you'll forget to do it unless I say yes...) and I'm resentful I have to always ask and he can't see.
My FI is not too bad but I just get frustrated when I have just cleaned the kitchen and he will make toast and somehow make a huge mess with crumbs and peanut butter on a knife directly on the counter top! Or he will come home from work and blob on the couch which is what I want to do but instead I clean.
My way of dealing with him is to stay positive.
I agree with trying a chore list. Write the chore list together (get his opinions of jobs that need to be done) and let him pick first what he would like to do, I do this and he is more likely to do it quicker and do it well as he thinks its his idea!
Another thing I do is positive re-enforcement. For everything he does, no matter how little I will praise him and it works! Just saying wow thanks so much for cleaning the lounge today - it looks great, and then guess what he decides to do it more often!
I know it is tempting to complain and we don't get praise for every thing we do - but give it a try! :)
I'm sorry all you ladies are dealing with this, but SO GLAD I am not alone! :)
My FI is an awesome, wonderful man, but he is also a lazy, messy man. He could walk past the same mess 20 times a day and not feel complelled to clean it up. He could walk past it 20 times a day for weeks on end, and not feel compelled to clean it up. Clutter doesn't bother him. Dirt doesn't bother him. It is baffling to me.
I am not a neat freak, it is a struggle just to clean up after myself. When he came into the picture it became chaos. Like a lot of you posted, I did not want to nag, so I then became resentful because I was doing it all myself, which then it led to fights, and so on. Now I just tell him what to do. It's annoying, and I sometimes still get pissed, because why do I need to tell you to clean up crumbs after making a sandwich??? Seriously. But, I have learned to pick my battles on this, and as long as he does what I tell him for the most part, I have learned to deal. I figure as long as I have to direct him I can direct him to the chores I hate (litter boxes, garbage, etc). :)
@nzgirl: I do the positive reinforcement to! It makes me wanna gag sometimes, because really, no 33 yr old man should be fawned over for washing dishes. But hey if it makes him think twice next time he sees them piling up, whatevs. I can stroke him a little. LOL!
@kay01: OMG I read your post and laughed about the laundry. Except my FI seems to think that the dryer is the place to store clean clothes! No, hun, take the clothes out and put it away. Thanks.
honestly? I just relaxed about the whole thing. Right now the dishes need to be done in the worst way, and yes its bugging me, but....I'm on here & putting together a cheat sheet for an exam later today. They'll be done eventually.
I basically ask/tell him every weekend to do one or two things that really need doing, like steam cleaning, or the dishes. He's getting a LOT better at doing them if I don't overwhelm him with everything that needs to be done. Small chunks.
Same problem here. I blame the fact he was raised by a traditional southern family (men have jobs, women stay home and housekeep). He hired a maid almost as soon as he moved away from home.
My only suggestions; hire a maid to do the deep cleaning every other week or so, lots and lots of praise when he does anything that resembles cleaning, and ask him directly for help when he's on the move. Like last night, I was cleaning and he was sitting on the couch. He got up to go get a drink and I did the 'ole "hey, while you're up, please feed the dogs." He would have never walked the extra 5 feet to feed them on his own, but he was already up, and I asked politely, so he did it. I mean what what he going to say to get out of it at that point?
I do realize I will always be doing 90% of the housework, but he does mow the lawn and keep the garage tidy (which I am famous for destroying). I can only choose not to hold it over his head and to gently (and politely) remind him of things that he can do to help.
Aw, if you find anything that works let me know! After a few years of living together FI will OCCASIONALLY do the the laundry with out being asked.. but for the most part I have to hound him to do things and like you.. I usually get the "I'll do it tommorow". He will change the garbage.. but then leaves it at the front door (so it's the first thing I see when I get home from work) until the dog gets taken out. *sigh*
I have the same problem--I hate cleaning but if I don't vacuum or clean, nobody does. Luckily, he takes out the trash and he does the yard work (though you'd think we don't own a lawn mower from how long the grass in our back yard is right now). It's tough when you both work full time... I do think that if one person doesn't work or works part time, they should do more around the house.
I'm just hoping that when I get a raise and if/when he gets a better-paying job, we can get a maid to come out once every week or two. It's a small price to pay for the relief of not having to clean or nag him.
I'm an old married bee...my DH is guilty of being a lazy bum too. If he is playing a video game and the house looks like crap, I sit down on the couch with a book. When he asks about the mess, I tell him I'm not taking care of it all. If he gets to relax then I do too. It has helped some. He doesn't clean like I do, but right now I don't care. I'm pregnant and tired and if he doesn't dust before he vacuums, well...at least the floors are cleaner. :) We have 2 dogs so the floors are an issue here. If he leaves a pile of his stuff lying around, I take the pile to the garage and set it on his work bench. He keeps the garage so clean I don't understand why he can't help do that with the house.
I work night shift, 3 nights a week. He is very clear that nights I work he gets to cook. We make a menu and I don't put anything difficult on the nights he cooks. Usually spaghetti, tacos, fajitas etc. Not time-intensive and certainly not difficult recipes. We might go out 1 night a week usually the night after I have worked my 3 because I am exhausted. Otherwise I cook, and I** clean the kitchen because he just doesn't know how to. We argue a lot over dishes in the sink. The dishwasher is directly to the left of the sink, not across the kitchen...no reason for dishes to be in the sink! And if the dishwasher is full, empty or run it. At the very least just wash the dishes so I don't have to look at them in the sink!
I guess what I'm saying is you find a way to deal with it. Either you share responsibilities or you become resentful. You will still argue over the dishes in the sink, but maybe one day he will figure out how much those dishes in the sink bother you...
@Pomapoo: and @bree72: I am SO with you about the maid. A close friend of mine resolved this issue by hiring one. When I mentioned it to FI he thought it was absolutely ridiculous to hire a maid for a 1BR condo. I offered to pay him to do the cleaning if he thought it was so simple. Haven't heard back on that offer yet! LOL I think that hiring a maid is definitely back on the table. If for nothing else than for preventing my resentment and, yes, the nagging.
I have to add that I made him soley responsible for the guest bathroom since he uses it most. It will be fun once the baby comes and he has to really start cleaning in there ;) Then he will get a little taste of what I do every day. He's been a lot better about cleaning than he was before, but he still has work to do...so do I though.
Ugh, I've been feeling the same way. SO and I are both going to school and are finishing up our last semesters, but his schedule and course work are much more demanding, so inevitably, I end up doing most of the housework, laundry, dishes, cooking, etc..
You should have heard him BITCH and make up excuses when I urged him to please go mow the lawn yesterday, because it was getting embarassingly long. Then had the balls to say, well if I go do that, you should clean the kitchen or something. ARGHH, I wanted to smack him! As if I don't do everything else!!
I'm afraid it won't get better anytime soon, since he will be working a full time job immediately after graduation that will bring in the majority of our income. There will have to be a BIG talk about this very soon...
I agree!!! The list may help I was going through this for a while, until I realized.. WTF I work more than full time and so do you... BUT just cause your tired doesnt mean you get to skip out on cleaning the house. Why should I be the one getting off work and then come home and work. Then after our son was born it got worse cause he wants to chill when he gets home and goes in the bedroom to play his comp games and Im left with the cleaning, cooking and taking full care of OUR child. So I just started saying when he got home today were cleaning this do this and this and i will do this and that.. Then we do it together now.. always and nobody resents anyone else :)
Confession- I didn't read all the PP's, but to OP, I had a similar problem, we have different threshold for what we considered clean, and I don't want to be his maid. I also don't want to be a nag about getting him to do things, so we compromised. I hired a cleaning lady to come in every second week, for $50 she works for 3 hours and does the floors, the bathrooms vacuumes and dusts. The way we see it, it's like not going out to dinner once every second week, and it's saved us SOOOO much bickering it's totally worth the sacrifice.
We both hate cleaning, so its always a struggle. We both gripe about having to clean, but just deal and spend a couple hours every weekend cleaning. As soon as we can afford it, we are going to hire a cleaning lady to come in every other week to do the deep cleaning
Since I'm the clean freak, I do the majority of the housework but he handles all the cars, doggies and the yard. Since I cook, he cleans the dishes and the kitchen. He does the laundry but I will assist in folding because I'm anal about how my clothes are folded. I clean the bathrooms, while he washes the floors. I also do all the grocery shopping since I do all the cooking. We split the chores based on what we are good @, which has worked wonderfully.
My gf who have each been married longer than a decade told me to establish the house rules now because if he doesn't help now, he'll never help. One gf makes her husband pay for the house cleaner and gardener because he doesn't want to do anything.
I do have the issue w/ the dinner room table as well. He just likes to drop off all his stuff there.
My bil had this problem, his wife wouldn't clean. They ended up getting a cleaning lady.
I agree, communication and compromise are key here.
You need to sit down together and iron out:
And then you need to decide on a equitable division of labour, that works for you.
I'll speak up, as "the messy one" in our relationship:
It really motivates me to clean when we do it together. I clean the kitchen while he cleans the bathroom, I tidy the bedroom while he vacuums, or whatever. Then it's more of a shared activity and you can be sure that we're spending the same time cleaning.
My FI's room mate's husband is like this. I drives me and him up the wall. His wife works full time and then comes home to work on her photography business. All he does is sit and play video games. When they go to shoot a wedding on a weekend my FI usually has to clean the whole house before he'll invite anyone over. I helped him clean several times because I know he doesn't have much time off and I want him to enjoy it. This past weekend, the husband asked my FI to clean and come to find out he was playing video games and that was why he didn't get to it. Well, he didn't clean lol... The problem there is my FI will not bring it up the issue so its never solved. If you talk to him calmly I'm sure he'll see how it makes you feel. I like the idea of making a cleaning list. For myself, I do certain things on certain days to keep up with it all.
its almost like you read my mind!!! OMG or i get the whole.. i worked out at the gym longer so you should clean the house WTF!! makes no sense or i get make a "chore chart" like what are we 5?
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